The 5 Most Important Questions to Ask Yourself at 60

“Coming into age” in our youth-oriented society is likely to inspire a flurry of questions about the meaning of life. Where did the time go? What was it all about? And who am I now that I’m not who I used to be? If you are asking yourself all or even any of these questions, think of yourself as fortunate. The alternative is to forge blindly ahead in denial or reactivity, either viewing aging as a slow, sad decline, or, on the other hand, merely a Viagra-fueled extension of midlife. Here are 5 more questions out of the 25 most important questions we pose and explore in our book The Spirituality of Age: A Seeker’s Guide to Growing Older that hold the potential to lead you to a new vision of aging as a dynamic life stage offering unexpected psychological and spiritual freedom.

What Illusions does Aging Dispel?

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As we watch our parents age and pass away, we are confronted with the understanding that we, too, are mortal. But the youthful illusion of immortality is but one of the many illusions that aging dispels. As author Connie Goldman put it in her book title, Who am I…now that I’m not who I was? Dispelling the illusion that we can forestall the changes and losses associated with aging is one of the necessary, if confusing, frustrating, and disorienting initiations into true adulthood we must endure if we hope to reap the rewards of the fully lived life. With time and practice we come to trust that the letting go of the old, as frightening and disorienting as it may be, inevitably leads to something always profound, and occasionally stunning. What illusions are you leaving behind—and what more authentic and dependable truths are coming to take their place? authentic and dependable truths are coming to take their place?

What Qualities did you Neglect in the First Half of Your Life that you are Now Free to Develop?

One of the gifts of longevity is that as much as we have experienced and accomplished in the past, we stand poised at the threshold of a potentially unprecedented amount of runway ahead of us: ample time to explore new ways of relating to the world. As part of this, we feel a tug at our hearts to develop qualities and potentials in ourselves we were previously too busy to attend to. We become better listeners. We can take a step back to see the bigger picture. We can stop and enjoy the moment, reminding ourselves and others what life is all about in the first place. In fact, many who have mastered certain ways of being are curious and eager to experience the exact flip side, at least for awhile. Someone who has always been quiet and supportive of others realizes he would like to experience what it’s like to be the center of attention for a change. At the same time, someone who has already mastered being powerful and gathering attention to herself may crave simply to be left alone. What qualities did you neglect in the first half of your life that you are now free to develop?

Is There a Constructive Role for Regret, Shame, and Guilt?

Spiritual growth demands that we face the unwanted realities of life and of ourselves, for example, pain and suffering, disappointment, losses that cause us regret, and unresolved aspects of ourselves that cause us guilt and shame. The truth is that, at times, bad, unwanted things can happen to us, just as can good things. And none of us are entirely innocent, either. The real truth is we are both saints and sinners. If we do not face these realities, but instead choose to run and hide from ourselves, the victimization, guilt and the shame will get the better of us and send us on a downward spiral of hopelessness and despair. To avoid this we must break denial, grieve the loss of our idealized, false image of life and ourselves and get on with it. In doing so, we have the opportunity to not only grow old, but to grow whole.

What does it mean to be Free in Light of the Ebbing of Physicality and Social Connection?

Here is inspiration from the Catholic poet Paul Claudel, who wrote in his old age: “Eighty years old . . . No eyes left, no teeth, no legs, no wind! And when all is said and done, how astonishingly well one does without them!”

As Claudel instructs, acceptance is a spiritual key that unlocks the door to freedom: one of the great paradoxes of aging. In the best-case scenarios, as our external faculties diminish, our internal resources—acceptance, gratitude, and faith—advance. Psychologist and interfaith minister Dr. John Robinson, in his book, The Three Secrets of Aging, refers to this as “coming into age.” Robinson writes: “That’s why we are living so much longer! We age not to get sick and die in misery but to progressively transform self and consciousness to rediscover Heaven on Earth.”

What is the Dynamic Tension Between Accepting Marginalization and Fighting Against it?

In the constant challenge to the status quo that aging asks of is, it is ironic that the letting go that is often at once the most unwanted and most natural part of growing old turns out also to be the very means of our deliverance.

Building in withdrawal from the mainstream, either as a definite break with the past, or at the very least, times of withdrawal into the fabric of your life on a regular basis, can make all the difference between being a victim of circumstances, and being transformed by them. But neither does the freedom to choose to be free mean we can’t respond to those organic urges that well up in us, to create, to build, to make a difference.

Even our own old dramas, our fascination with victimhood and self-importance, finally lose their power over us. We neither need approval, nor to judge. Along with the erosion of judgement, along with our very ideas of what is marginal and what is expected of us, the dichotomies finally resolve. The resolution is not an uninterrupted perfection, but an embrace of it all.