How to Forgive and Forget by Don MacMannis l Forgiveness and Parenting l Family Arguments and how to handle them l How to Forgive Others

A stepfamily came in for help after the parents had a screaming fight that ended badly. The mother’s teenage son stepped in to protect his mom, leading to a shouting and shoving match with his step-dad. The fight didn’t result in any scratches or bruises, but everyone’s feelings were pretty raw. Fortunately, this family had the resources to heal the rift. The step-dad shared sincere and heartfelt apologies with his stepson, who apologized in return.

Forgiveness is a fundamental element of happy, loving families; learning to forgive and forget rather than holding on to grudges. Given that all of us are human and make mistakes, there are inevitable upsets in families. Healthy families don’t have fewer interpersonal challenges. They have better tools for repair. Here are some helpful ideas and steps to keep in mind.

Make it Authentic

Another key to forgiveness is not to “try” to be forgiving because it’s the right or religious thing to do, but rather to get there honestly. This usually means clearing feelings of hurt and anger first. Saying you’re sorry only works when it’s authentic. Don’t even go there until the emotional brain settles down. Mouthing words or offering empty apologies simply sends red flags to the receiver, whose brain will pick up on the contradictory non-verbal message rather than what is spoken.

Expressing feelings on our own through exercise or crying can get us past some of the bigger feelings first. Then we are more capable, without “losing it,” of processing the remainder of our upsets by sitting down with the person who has wronged us and using “I” statements and patiently listening.

Practicing Apologies

An additional element of healing occurs when the person who has done something hurtful offers a sincere apology. Try to empathize deeply with the other’s perspective. At the deepest level, having another person authentically “resonate” to your pain is an important but often missing piece on the path to forgiveness.

Successful apologies include taking responsibility for hurtful actions, a statement of regret, asking for forgiveness and some kind of pledge about future actions. Depending on the situation, restitution can also help. Examples include: If you broke the window, you fix it. If you hit your sister, write her a note of apology and offer to do her chores.