5 Reasons Why Ultimatums Don’t Work by Shellie Warren l Tips for Relationships l Avoiding Conflict l Dealing with Conflict l Getting Along with People

Ultimatums are Threats

Although you probably have the general idea of what an ultimatum is, it might surprise you to know that if you look up the definitions of the word, one is a “demand” and two synonyms are “warning” and “threat”. Relationships are supposed to be rooted and grounded in love and mutual desire for growth---both together and as individuals. The minute it starts entering into the demand-warning-threat zone, things are about to become pretty unhealthy. You deserve to be in the kind of relationship where you don’t have to demand to be seen or threaten to leave in order for someone to pay attention to your needs. And they deserve to be in the kind of relationship where they don’t have to walk on an eggshell of warnings all of the time. Love and threats are not designed to work hand-in-hand. Ever.

Ultimatums are Control Tactics

The people who give ultimatums tend to overlook one significant thing. They are basically using it as a way to control another person. In other words, “Since I am not getting my way or what I want out of this relationship, I am going to make it so uncomfortable for you that you’ll concede to my wishes.” That’s not a love relationship. That’s more like a dictatorship. And although it may “work” for a while, if you continue to give ultimatums, sooner or later, your significant other is going to catch on. And quite possibly move on. Why? Because no one likes being controlled all of the time. And besides, that’s not love. God is love (I John 4:8&16) and he doesn’t “make us” do anything.

Ultimatums Plant Seeds of Doubt

Suppose you’ve been dating someone for the past two years and you’re ready to get married. Whenever you bring the topic up to them, they seem to side-step it with excuses about how it’s not the right time or how they want to get a few other things in order first. Finally, you get fed up and tell them that if they don’t plan on getting engaged in the next six months, you’re leaving. Look, even if they do succumb to the pressure (and that is pressure, by the way), it’s probably going to boomerang on you in a way that you didn’t quite expect. The actor Mark Ruffalo once said “When it was time for me to get married, I ran to my marriage.” And you know what? Everyone deserves someone who feels the same way. That they got married because they wanted to be and were excited to do it; not because they were nagged and basically pulled down the aisle. Besides (and here comes the boomerang), if you have to pose an ultimatum for marriage, how can you ever feel totally confident and secure in the fact that they married you because they wanted to rather than because they felt like they had to?

Ultimatums are Indications of Impatience

I Corinthians 13:4 says “Love is patient”. In fact, if you read the New King James Version of the Bible, it says that “Love is long-suffering.” Now if you’re merely dating someone, this should to translate differently than if you are married. If you’re dating, you are using this as a time to get to know someone better and to decide if you want to take it to the next level or not. Although you do need to be prayerful and patient, as a single individual, you are still your top priority. Therefore, if things are not working out and the person you are dating shows no indications of wanting it to, ending the relationship may be best. On the other hand, when you’re married, you made vows before God and your spouse that you would remain until death parts you and vow-keeping is important to God (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7, Matthew 19:6, Malachi 3:6). This means that even from a spiritual commitment standpoint, be very careful about throwing out ultimatums, especially ones like “I’m leaving if you don’t so-and-so or such-and-such”. Love is patient and that means that sometimes things happen, not on your time but in God’s. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that everything beautiful happens in its time, after all. You vowed to love. This means you vowed to be patient. It’s hard to do that while also throwing out ultimatums.