6 Ways to Escape an Abusive Relationship

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In the United States, around 20 people are abused by their romantic partner every minute. Over the course of a year, this adds up to about 10 million men and women, and only 34 percent of these abused partners get medical care for their injuries.

Domestic abuse isn’t something that many of us consider when we enter into relationships. After all, abusers and weirdoes are easy to spot, right? The truth is frightening: sometimes, only time can reveal a partner’s abusive tendencies, and by the time the abused partner realizes how bad things can get, it can be too late. An abusive relationship can leave a lifetime of debilitating scars, both emotional and physical.

And in the worst cases, abuse can become deadly.

That’s why it’s important to be able to identify an abusive relationship and make your escape before things go too far. Abusers can look like anyone. They can be beautiful or plain, sociable or withdrawn, rich or poor. There are a few behaviors, however, that you can look for. If your partner is excessively jealous, pushy, controlling, tends to blame others for their own mistakes, or has a history of battery, be vigilant. These are some of the precursors to increasingly severe abuse.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of emotionally or physically abusive behavior, you need to leave. Read on to find out 6 ways you can escape an abusive relationship.

Make the Decision to Leave

Escaping an abusive relationship must necessarily begin with the realization that you are being abused. While this may seem simple for those looking in from the outside, those facing abuse from the person they love most in world face a complicated internal battle.

An abusive partner may make you feel that the abuse is your fault—that you deserve it because of your mistakes, past or present. They may gaslight you, destroy your self-esteem, and isolate you. You may even choose to overlook abuse because you’re truly in love with your partner, or because he or she brings you financial security.

But no matter what, staying in an abusive relationship is always the costlier option—especially so when vulnerable children are added to the situation.

If you are the victim of abuse, you need to make the decision to leave. You must be firm and realistic—you’re getting out, and you’re going to make plans to facilitate that escape rather than just fantasizing and wishing.

You’re going to actively reach out for a better life, and that starts with making the decision to exit a dangerously abusive relationship.

Reach Out for Support

If you’ve made the decision to leave, but just can’t seem to follow through with it, reach out to your support structure for a little added motivation.

Choose the people you trust the most. Your closest friends, family members, counselor, or pastor are all great choices. If you’re feeling conflicted about leaving, or if even if you’re simply unsure if your partner’s behavior is really abuse, asking for the perspective of someone outside of the situation can be immensely helpful.

If it’s time to escape an abusive relationship, the people in your support structure will help you figure that out. Not only this, but when the time comes, they’ll be the people in positions to help you do it safely. A friend might provide a spare bedroom for you and your children. A family member might help with money, and a pastor might organize a food drive for your benefit.

And never forget the power of a good mental health professional—these men and women are trained to recognize abuse, and have the connections to help you get out as safely as possible.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, and you’re not in immediate danger, reaching out to your support structure is an effective way of getting yourself out.

Document and Report

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If your partner’s form of abuse becomes particularly dangerous, causing you to fear retaliation if you try to leave, you can use the legal system—including the police—to help you escape.

The most basic way to document abuse is to keep a journal in which you describe each incident, making sure to record the date and time each instance of abuse occurs. This can later be used to support all other evidence.

If you can get the testimony of a witness, all the better—this will only strengthen your claim.

If your partner’s abuse leaves marks, such as bruising, cuts, or scrapes, make sure that you seek treatment, and that your injuries are well-documented.

Finally, keep any transcripts of abusive texts, emails, or phone messages—these will be vital pieces of evidence later on.

Don’t keep this evidence at home or work. Since a potential abuser might retaliate upon finding out your plans to leave, take any evidence to a friend’s house—the further away, the better.

When you’re ready, get in contact with your lawyer or counselor. More than any others, they will know how to help you take further steps to get you protected by the legal system.

Make an Escape Plan and Follow It

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If you don’t feel that your abusive partner is a danger to your life, you can simply follow through with your decision to leave. But even if your partner doesn’t pose a threat to your life, making a plan is a great way to escape with as little risk as possible.

First, make sure that, once you leave, you’ll have the resources to provide for your basic needs. If you live together, figure out where you’ll go. If you don’t currently work, or have little income on your own, start saving up now so that you can get by for a few months without hardship.

Next, make sure that you change the passwords of all your personal accounts. Don’t give an abuser the chance to wreak havoc by logging into your bank account or social media accounts.

Finally, figure out the safest time to leave—preferably when the abuser isn’t home. Remember that you do not have to leave a note explaining the situation, and definitely do not leave contact information. You owe your abuser nothing.

Making a well-thought-out plan is even more important when children are involved. When it comes to abuse, don’t leave anything to chance. Make an exit plan and act on it.

Block the Abuser

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Not all abuse occurs in-person. Even in long-distance and online relationships in which couples don’t see one another often, abuse can take place online and over the phone. This can be just as damaging as any other form of abuse, and so it’s important to know how to escape.

If you’re in an online relationship with someone who puts your down, threatens you, or blames you for problems that have nothing to do with you, it’s time to pull the plug.

You can do this by using the block feature that all social media platforms have. If you need a tutorial, just head over to YouTube and type in “How to block on…” followed by the social media platform’s name. Most email platforms also give you the ability to block users, so don’t be shy about using this feature.

Most of the other tips in this list apply for an online relationship. Documenting abuse is particularly easy in an online relationship, and the resulting legal action is just as binding. Don’t be afraid to reach out to law enforcement and your support group in the case of online harassment.

Just because your abuser isn’t physically there with you doesn’t mean their actions and words are any less harmful. Block an online abuser and, if necessary, seek legal action.

Completely Move On

Getting away from your abuser is the most important step you can take in escaping abuse, but it’s not the end of the process. You’re going to have to actively move on in order to truly leave your abuser behind.

At this point, you probably still have mixed, confused feelings about your abuser. He or she may seem like two different people, and you might even think that the abusive side of your partner is excusable, or perhaps only temporary. At some point after you leave, you might even be tempted to return to your abuser—after all, this may have been the only life you’ve known for the past several years.

But don’t give in to this. Do your best to accept that your former partner’s abusive nature is an intrinsic part of them. They’re not a good person who sometimes does bad things. They are an abuser, and the abuse would only have grown worse over time.

Take this time to connect with your friends and loved ones. Surround yourself with positive relationships that build you up rather than tearing you down. Throw out items and mementos that remind you of your abuser, and do your best to actively move on with your life.

The path to healing lies before you, not behind you. Keep taking steps, no matter how small, and you’ll escape your abusive relationship once and for all.