Newly Married Jokes

Such a Deal!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister
with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll
change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where
I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all
others,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it
comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young
man in the eye and says,

"Will you promise to bow yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning
of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife
that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as
you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes."

The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed,
"I thought we had a deal."

The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back,
"She made me a much better offer."

After the Honeymoon...

dailychuckle A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"So," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

Dear Tech Support...

FROM: Jane
TO: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0
un-installs many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and
Opera Night 6.1. It also installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3,
Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer
runs. When I click on it, the system crashes. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper
Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

*************************************************************************

FROM: Tech Support
TO: Jane
Subject: Upgrade Dangers

Yours is a common problem women complain about and is mostly due to a misconception. Many
people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely
an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge
Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden
operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so
nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as
Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of
Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new
applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0.
However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in
your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs
very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and
just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed
myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership
Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this
great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more
serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes
Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to
delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system
will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can
only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction,
these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of
use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features
such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.

A final word of caution! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother in Law 1.0. This
is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother In Law 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here
at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years We trust you will learn to fully
enjoy this product!