Best of Jewish Jokes

Cowboy Rabbi

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days ... and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old Rabbi said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader."Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ..... Trust me, I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked." Oh, you know Jewish people don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me."

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy..... vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush."

Jewish Dog

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"

Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkafta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.'"