Funny Prayers

Worrier's Prayer

Dear Lord,

Help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.

Help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive.

Help me to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions,
even though they're usually not my fault.

Help me to not try to run everything - but, if you need some help, please feel free to ask me.

Help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right.

Help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

Give me patience, and I mean right now!

Help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

Help me to finish everything I sta

Help me to keep my mind on one thing ... oh, look, a bird ... at a time.

Help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Keep me open to others' ideas, misguided though they may be.

Help me follow established procedures. Hey, wait ... this is wrong ...

Help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatido.

Thank you, Lord.

Amen

Over-eaters Prayer

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot

Incited by my wicked diet.

"We are what we eat," said a wise old man,

Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain,

With my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength that I may not fall,

Into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,

That my soul may be polyunsaturated

And show me the light that I may bear witness,

To the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,

For the road to Hell is paved with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;

And Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in pepperoni,

The Devil himself in each slice of bologna.

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,

And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice,

Cut it thin and toast it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees,

Deliver me from jujube's.

And when my days of trial are done,

And my war with malted milk balls won,

Let me stand with Heavenly throng,

In a shining robe -- size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me,

The virtues of lettuce and celery.

Teach me the evil of mayonnaise,

And of pasta a la Milanese.

And crisp-fried chicken from the South,

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth!

Amen

Farmer's Prayer

The tractor lovers commandments.

1.Thou shalt not love thy tractor more than the wife and children; as much, but not more.

2.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors tractor, nor his shop, nor his battery charger.

3.Thou shalt not store thy tractor out of doors, except for thy modern iron.

4.Thou shalt not read Farming Today on company time, for thy employer makes it possible to continue thy tool payments.

5.Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Farmall, nor his John Deere, nor even his 2N on steel.

6.Thou shalt not allow thy daughters nor thy sons to get married during the holy days of the national convention.

7.Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thou art taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed, thou art going to look at another tractor.

8.Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition to thy house then use it to store tractors.

9.Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of the restoration, at least not at the same time.

10.Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.

Amen

Child Inside Me