Stupid. Ugly. Fat. Words like these, directed at myself, are practically a constant in my life. Some are outright lies — but I repeat them anyway, over and over, like a mantra of doom.
It took me forever to realize what my problem really was. I was being too easy on myself. Calling myself names just keeps me feeling down. It gives me an excuse not to do the work of change. And changing is what I need to do.
Fat? Well, it's easier to say it (and accept it) than get up and get moving. Ugly? That just prevents me from beautifying my inner being. Stupid? More like failure to be present.
This morning, as usual, my brain was elsewhere, worrying, moving on to the next thing, and the next. I was too busy practicing conversations that I would never have; making plans for a life I'm not going to lead. Oh, my plans are endless.
So, guess what? I'm going to change. Lord, I give You my hand, my hope, my promise. Let's take the first step together.
You know every sole
that has ever left a footprint in the sand.
You know every child
who has ever flown home from college
to spend a holiday with their family.
You know every Scout leader
that has hiked a forest trail.
You know them all, and You hear them all
even as You know me, and hear me,
and hold me in the palm of Your hand.
Even when I think I am alone, You are there.
You know us all.
- Sue Bradford Edwards