The Teen's Guide: How to Understand Yourself and Improve Your Relationships

Life as a teen is by no means easy. Everything is changing both physically and emotionally and yet you are thrust in to the most intense situations of your young life, discovering heartbreak, anxiety, low self esteem and peer pressure along the way. In a teenager’s world, developing lasting, meaningful relationships can also be a challenge. Relationships are measured by Instagram followers and Snapchat scores. Long-term friendships can be discarded with a simple tap on the screen. Contrary to what you may think right now, there is hope. Your relationships will get better. The secret is learning to speak love and appreciation in a language the other person can receive. Teens: If you are ready to understand yourself and improve your relationships with family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, teammates, coaches and more, here are six points to guide you.

What Love Is

Love, by definition is a strong and constant affection for a person. Love is a choice and how we choose to speak love will impact every relationship we’re invested in. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times best-selling “The 5 Long Languages” says that our culture too often dilutes the meaning of the word love. He explains, “We tend to use the same word for how we feel about Belgian waffles or a football team that we use to describe our deepest bonds. And for many teens the word love often conjures up images of romance. But love is much more than that, and when we understand how to communicate love in all our relationships, we’ll live much richer lives.” In other words, we must learn to communicate in ways that resonate to those around us through the daily ups and downs of relationships. Your relationships, including those with your parents and siblings, don’t have to be negative. You can respond to breakdowns in positive, loving ways.

We Speak Different Love Languages

According to Chapman, there are five fundamental love languages we speak in our relationships: words, time, gifts, acts of service and touch. Of those five, each of us has a primary love language. This is a way of receiving devotion and affection that registers deep inside of us and makes us feel truly loved. Though we can receive love through all five languages, one of the five always speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four. When we don’t receive our primary love language in our relationships, then we don’t feel loved, even if the person is speaking the other four. We often express our love to others in the language that makes us feel loved but if it isn’t their primary language, it won’t mean the same to them. It’s so important that we not only know our primary language, but that we also know the love languages of those around us so that we can love better.

Our Parents Shape Our Relationships

This may be hard to believe but every relationship you’re in is shaped by your relationships with your parents. These are our primal, original bonds. When you feel loved by your mother, the maternal relationship brings you comfort. When your relationship with your mother is broken or fractured, then you may suffer from feelings of abandonment. If you were abused by your mother, you may feel hurt, anger or hatred. A lack of parental love often motivates children to find search for love in other places, often times with all the wrong people. This misguided search often leads to further disappointment. Whether you want to believe it or not, the nature of your relationship with your parents will shape all your relationships. This is why it’s so important to be aware of what worked in your relationship with them and what didn’t.

Love Goes Through Stages

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We live in a culture that is addicted to romantic love. There’s evidence all around us. Just listen to our songs and movies. However, our culture is also very ignorant about love. We buy into the fairy-tale fantasy that love is something that magically happens to us. The thought has been if you have it, you have it, and if you don’t, you don’t. But this view is too simplistic. Love goes through stages. The first stage is an obsessive, addictive adrenaline rush. During this phase, we are carried away by our irrational thoughts and illusions. Love is effortless – it just happens. But once we come down from the high of the obsessive stage, we enter another stage of love that requires real, hard work. The blind obsession begins to fade and emotional distance can grow. Understanding the five love languages is critical in keeping the love alive. It’s important that you and your significant other express love in a language you can both receive.

Love Is An Act of the Will

According to Chapman, love is an act of the mind, will and heart – not the emotions, hormones and feelings. If you base your love on feelings alone, you will be misled time and time again. We have been taught to “do what feels right” and “just follow your heart” but these words of advice and encouragement don’t serve us well. Those feelings can lead us down a cliff if we allow them to. Actions come before feelings. If you choose to do what you know is best, your heart will follow. It’s important that when you have breakdowns in your relationships that you step outside of yourself and choose to reflect love in their language. This will begin to fill their emotional tank and bring you closer again. They’ll know you are talking their language through your actions.