Is There a Right Age for Marriage?

"I Married at 16"

First, I had [a] personal experience with this. I married at 16 to my then 19-year-old husband. We managed to remain married for 10 years before a personal crisis in my own life threw me completely off balance and I left the marriage. I was definitely too young, too wounded and needy to be married. However, I think my ex-husband was a different story. He tried hard to save our marriage, and when he could not [he] married not long after our divorce and is still married after over 20 years. So he was mature enough at that young age, I was not. I think that is the problem with this question.

Second, I have the privilege of working with several young people from 16 to their early twenties. They seem to fall into two categories. Those who married and/or had children at a young age and those who did not and are in college or college bound. I watch the young people in the first category really struggle to make ends meet and make relationships work. Many are now single mothers. It seems that though they are doing their best, they were not truly prepared for the responsibilities they now have.

The second group seems no more ready for marriage. Most of them don't even know "what they want to be when they grow up". Many have not even declared a major or have changed it more than once. If you are not ready to declare you career goals, why would you think you are ready to make a lifetime commitment to one person.

That said, I think that marriage is overrated in America. Why do I need to be married to be happy. Can't I be single or in a committed relationship without marriage? I think there is no shame in saying, this is not working anymore and deciding to end a relationship. When people married for life, they had a much shorter expectation of life span, had more support from extended family and were less isolated in general. We live in a different world now.

I would add one caveat to this. If you have children in a marriage, I believe you owe it to them to try to make it work. Divorce is very hard on children. However, that too can be okay if both parents can put the kids first after the divorce.

- Glynlaura

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"Emotions Can Lead to Bad Decisions"

I'm certain there are some exceptions, but as a general rule, I think 18 is wayyyy too young to get married.

Sure, a lot of 18-year-olds are mature for their age. However, most of them have no idea exactly what they want their future to look like. They might think they know. But that kind of knowlege comes only with experience. It's unrealistic to think that you can choose a permanent life partner at that stage of one's life.

Someone could get married at 18 and be very committed to making that marriage last. Some may succeed in making the marriage last. But I think a small percentage of them will actually be happy and have no regrets.

Marriage is about more than who you're in love with at 18. It's also about finding someone who shares your values and goals in life. At 18, most people aren't yet completely sure what those are. Emotions can lead to bad decisions, especially when you're young.

I think it may be somewhat luck of the draw. I mean, I think a lot of what makes a marriage successful is that the two people have common values on the things that are really important to them. Communication is obvioulsy important, but that's a skill that's greatly learned with age. You may luck out and end up with someone who shares the values that are important to you, but I don't know that you're going to make a rational relationship choice based on that at the age of 18. In most cases, I would say a marriage that starts that young is destined for a lot more challenges than the average marriage.

-Cesmom

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"No One Can Say Which Is Best for Everyone"

Without specific details I don't think there is an answer. Who is getting married? What is each person’s state of mind? What are their religious beliefs? Do they have similar beliefs in how things should be managed? How compatible are they with their future spouse? What do they expect out of marriage? What is customary in their social/economic community? What plans do they have after marriage? How responsible are they? What is their financial situation? Do they want to go to college? How well do they handle conflict with regard to each other? How well do they handle criticism? Do they agree about having children? Can each person be trusted to be faithful? Do they understand the meaning of a commitment? Do they have a sense of humor (a MUST for a happy marriage!)? What do they feel about division of labor? How are they planning on handling the finances? Do they understand that marriage isn’t a destination, but the beginning of a lifelong learning process?

There are just too many variables to say what is right for everyone or even most. People tend to mimic what they see others doing that seems to be working. If there was a formula that worked, most of the people would be doing it. But because you are dealing with two different individuals, raised in different households (usually), with different experiences who are entering into a constantly-evolving situation, no one can say which is best for everyone.

I'm not sure I helped any.

-pagan_princess

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"We're Always Changing and Growing"

For most of human history, a girl of 18 who was unmarried was already at risk of being called and old maid. Mary, the mother of Jesus, was about 14 when she married Joseph. Most women already had families started by 18. But then again, a girl was bred and trained to fill this role, and running a household was something she already had some experience with in helping raise her mother and siblings. Most people didn't live as long with food and clean water not being as plentiful as it is for most westerners now.

I have both a paternal and maternal aunt who married at 18 back in the 1950s and 1960s. Those were different times and there was a lot of support. I had an older boyfriend who wanted to marry me when i was 18 but I put it off and eventually broke up after a 3 and a half year relationship. I married someone else when I was 24. could I have made it work with the man when I was 18? Maybe. I really changed a lot in my early 20s. My interests changed. I had some idea of who I wanted to be and what kind of work I wanted to do. My new relationship was more in tune with the person I was becoming than the man I had broken up with. I never lived alone, always with a boyfriend, parent or roommate until my husband and I separated after a 18 year relationship and 15 years of marriage. I stayed at the house during the day with the kids and went to my own apartment when he got home from work. I learned so much about myself in that time alone.

I guess we're always changing and growing. There are never any guarantees, even when one loves another person very much. There's not a lot of support for 18-years-olds marrying nowadays. Some people do okay without support and others don't. I wish you the wisdom to know what's best for you and your loved one.

- nillawafer

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"Age Guarantees Nothing"

Principle and principled behaviour is the solid foundation for marriage. Feelings can be nice but are unreliable. Age guarantees nothing. Factors that predict marital success are as follows:

The couple's parents did not divorce and have good marriages.

The in-laws support and approve the choice of spouse for their own offspring.

They both have very clear ideas of what they want and approach things in both practical and idealistic terms.

They are not especially materialistic. Money is by far the most damaging factor in marriage.

They have good teamwork and cooperation skills. Neither takes advantage of the other.

They have complementary and compatible abilities and personalities. Birth order matters.

If they marry before they are working; then, the parents financially support them in school.

They must be sensible and mature. Biologically past 15 years. Having children after she's 17.

Premarital sex, whether multiple serial or "playing the field", are strong predictors for vulnerability to adultery and dissatisfaction. That goes for both groom and bride.

Living together before marriage is statistically bad for a marriage. Commitment takes courage and open eyes. If you're scared to make the leap, then absolutely don't.

Alcohol consumption should be at most minimal. No one should ever get "buzzed". It is a major factor in spousal and child abuse. Illegal or recreational drug use is injurious.

Down deep we really all know what leads to shining success or to abject failure. We should just look around and ask ourselves if what we are doing will help our spouse and marriage. Are we being selfish or being doormats? Are we being selfless and appreciating consideration shown by our mate?

Moderation, equity, affection, kindness, patience and forbearance build happiness and joy.

Fanaticism, injustice, cruelty, coldness, volatility and ruthlessness produce enmity and grief.

- in_my_opinion

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"Wait Until You're a Little Older"

I think 18 is young and you should see a little of the world before you tie the knot with anyone.

I grew up in a small town and I think the social pressure surrounding marriage is a lot heavier in small communities which makes marrying young happen, even if it is not real love, but more of convenience and what you are comfortable with.

I do think it is better to wait until you're a little older and have had a few more life experiences other than just high school related, life is not high school football and cheerleading. When you're younger you are so protected by parents; it seems like getting and staying married is easy because you have the monetary, social and many other types of support you get from your parents that may not be there once married.

The world is a big place and until you explore it; I don't think you really have a good understanding of what types of people are even available to get married to. You don't want to marry a farmer if you are really interested in marrying a scientist, but if you never leave your hometown and never have the chance to meet any scientist, it looks like you are marrying the smartest farmer in your town. Just my take.

- Funlife

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