arguing couple

That is right, there is something seismic that needs to happen to save your marriage. We go into a marriage thinking we have it all figured out and then you start sleeping in separate rooms, interlock in continuous arguments and find that the intimacy is gone as well. No marriage is perfect and we all know it takes work and a commitment. What can we do since we left so many things unchecked? Is it too late? The good news is if there is someone wanting to fight for the marriage (we believe you are, or you wouldn't be reading this!) there is hope. Joe Beam is the founder and chair of Marriage Helper and suggested: "Today, the popular idea that divorce is a fact of life is being challenged vigorously. Saving marriages is not a job, it’s an all-consuming passion and every marriage saved is a testimony that the mission can be accomplished," he said. Here are 7 ways that you can save your marriage.

Take ownership of your part.

Spencer shared with Woman's Day that we should realize how we speak and treat our spouse. "If you can put yourself in his shoes and see that you've been in the wrong, there's reason to reboot your marriage." Placing the blame will not heal your marriage. You need now to move past this and start taking responsibility for your emotions even if it's not your fault. Make a mental list or compile a physical list of the pros and cons of the relationship. Understand that we can’t change something if we don’t acknowledge it, so be honest with yourself.

Seek forgiveness.

Sometimes, a person is not aware of how they are acting and they may turn the page if you bring problems up. If they are hot-headed and if the conversation becomes heated then you need to take a break. Take the approach of being humble and seek forgiveness. When we do this, we take down the walls. If you commit to God and your mate, you will wrestle with the forces of darkness, author Domeniek L. Harris wrote. Ephesians 6:12 declares, "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." When you seek forgiveness and ask for forgiveness, you will also experience healing.

Start communicating.

When we start using "You" statements it puts the other person on the defensive. Don't approach your spouse with "You never clean up" or "You never spend time with me." Instead use the "I feel" statements, which is less hostile. Like "I feel you don't clean up" or "I feel like you never spend time with me." Using the blame language will start a fight. Now we need to become an active listener as well. This means no distractions like texting, cleaning or cooking while you are talking. Another effective way of communicating is to not assume anything as this leads to jumping to the wrong conclusions. "When communicating with your partner, if you have any doubt about what has just been said or you’re still not sure what is making your partner upset, ask," Effective Communication Advice advised.

Try reconnecting.

Try spending time together to reconnect and find out why you came together in the first place. To keep any relationship going, it's important to get alone together. Do something that you love doing together and remember the reasons that you started to date. Sometimes we go on autopilot and forget to spend quality time together. Making goals as a team will help keep the relationship more fluid and it will make you much stronger. Having shared dreams like saving for a vacation or saving for a home can also help you reconstruct your bond. 

Put your spouse first.

The Bible warned us about being selfish. Philippians 2:3-4 explained that to "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." When we start looking to make our spouse happy rather than focus on ourselves all the time, this can help build and mend bridges. Selfishness could be that you spend more time with your friends and on your career than you do with your spouse. Over time, people start resenting the things that you place above them.

Show gratitude.

When was the last time that you really showed your appreciation towards your spouse? Sit them down and tell them about the blessing that they've been to you. They might think something is the wrong at first because most often, we rarely show gratitude towards one another. This will be hard at first, but once you make it a practice, it can change the trajectory of your relationship. Relationships need lots of attention, so making your spouse's favorite meal, coffee or writing a thank you card to show them that you care is important. Leave notes, send flowers or buy a little gift. It really doesn't take much!

Find a marriage counselor.

If you want to make the relationship work but are feeling that you need help, seek a marriage counselor. When you need to find neutral ground, a counselor can assist you to become more unbiased and set goals to help repair hurts. There is nothing wrong with soliciting guidance. In fact, it shows that you want the marriage to work. 

Having a willingness to make it work is the first step in mending old wounds. Take a stand for your marriage today by crafting a plan that will help bring restoration.
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