How to Declare Your Independence in Your Marriage

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If someone told you that you could draw closer to your spouse by maintaining your distance, you’d probably think they were a little crazy. But establishing and maintaining a strong sense of independence is actually a powerful way to make sure your relationship lasts.

So, you’ve met the perfect person, had a wonderful dating life, and took the plunge—you got married. But now, something just feels off. You’re restless. You haven’t seen your friends in ages. Those hobbies and activities you once loved have remained untouched for years. And maybe, if you’re especially self-aware, you’re even beginning to miss the person you once were.

We throw the word “clingy” around pretty often, but few of us recognize the destructive psychological forces behind this cute label. Clingy behavior arises from insecurity, which leads a partner to seek constant reaffirmations of love and devotion, suppressing their own personality and wants and dreams in the process.

This not only deprives you of living a full life, but is also exhausting to your partner, who is then forced to be your everything. And when both partners become “clingy?” That’s a recipe for certain unhappiness and a marriage that feels like prison.

The worst part of all this? Most couples don’t even realize what’s happening—they only feel the effects, often leading to a broken marriage. But now that your eyes have been opened, let’s look at 7 ways you can declare your independence in your marriage so that you and your spouse can be closer than ever before.

Take Time to Yourself

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As the years of marriage go by, it can be easy to slip into the habit of “regulating our needs through the other person in our relationship,” as Dr. Ramani Durvasula, licensed clinical psychologist, says. “You eat when he eats, you drink when he drinks.”

This kind of dependence robs of your alone time—something that everyone needs. Let’s look at why.

When you’re with someone—no matter how close they are to you—you have to be “on.” You’re focusing on conversation, on your own appearance, and probably a few dozen other things. Alone time gives you a chance to be “off” for a while, and to clear your mind and replenish yourself.

Time alone also gives you the chance to deeply think and reflect. Without taking time to really listen to your own thoughts and feelings, you can quickly lose touch with who you are.

Declare your independence by taking some me-time, and you’ll come back to your spouse a happier, healthier person.

Reconnect With the Important People

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Sorry to burst your Shakespearean bubble, but your romantic partner is most certainly not your everything. Not even close. In fact, this way of thinking is what ends up destroying many otherwise wonderful relationships.

This is because being everything is impossible, and because it’s impossible, it is utterly exhausting. Having to act as someone’s counselor, best friend, lover, spouse, and even parent is too much for even the most dedicated.

But fear not—this is where your support system comes in.

You need to reconnect with your important people. Pick up the phone and dial up that old friend. Pay a visit to mom or dad. Make an appointment with your counselor. Rather than asking your spouse to do the jobs of all of these people, why not simply bring them back into your life?

This will not only take the pressure off your spouse, but will also help you regain a fuller, more satisfying life filled with people who love and support you. What’s not to like?

Quit Checking In

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Dr. Durvasula writes that one of the markers of unhealthy relationship dependency is “the need to check in with the other person before doing anything, even things that you would ordinarily do without making such a fuss about it, like spending time with friends.”

This isn’t just your average “I love you” text or a call to see what’s on the menu tonight. This is the constant, almost obsessive, need to stay in contact with your spouse all day long. This is you thinking that you need to ask permission to go and do the most basic things.

Don’t fall into this pattern.

We’re not advocating that you become distant and aloof, never updating your spouse on anything you’re doing. But if you want to better your relationship by declaring your marital independence, you need to live your own life. Maintain a balance that’s right for your particular relationship.

Remember—you’re sharing your life, but your life is still your own. Declare your independence from constant checking-in.

Establish Boundaries

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Boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship. Although boundary-setting isn’t easy in the beginning, they make things so much easier—they let your spouse know where they stand, and what your limits are. In essence, they take much of the guesswork out of the relationship.

To set your boundaries, first take a long look at your own preferences and feelings—you can’t set your boundaries if you don’t know them, yourself. Start by figuring out things like how much time you’d like to set aside for your hobbies and friends and other personal pursuits.

Once you’ve done that, set these boundaries in a loving, respectful way. You may be met with some level of sadness, denial, or anger, but if these boundaries are important to you, hold your ground. Your spouse loves you, and will come to understand.

Setting boundaries means you’re taking care of yourself, and so you’ll be a much better, happier spouse.

Reconnect With Your Passions

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How long has it been since you’ve been on one of those long bike rides you once loved? How about that book you were writing, or the paintings you once worked on? If your answer is months or even years, it’s time to independently and purposefully reconnect with your passions.

Your personal pursuits are often the first thing to go in a close marriage. The two of you are in love, swooning over the idea of being newlyweds. But before long, you start to miss the old you—the one who once did all those cool things.

You can still do them! Carve out some time each week to devote to the activities you love, whether that’s photography or music, or taking university courses to better your mind.

These things are a part of you, and letting them go means letting go of an important part of your personality. Human beings have a basic need to expand and grow throughout life, and without that opportunity, you can quickly become unhappy.

This doesn’t have to isolate you from your spouse. The two of you can work on your individual activities in the same room. The important thing here is to simply make sure you take time for yourself and your own self-development. That’s the path to a fuller life, and subsequently, a fuller relationship.

Let Your Partner Have a Life

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Most of the advice we’ve gone over has been focused on your own personal independence within the context of your marriage, but now it’s time to talk about your spouse.

Sometimes, you can be the one in the relationship who is inhibiting the freedom of your partner, creating what is called an enmeshed relationship. This kind of marriage is characterized by one partner having control of another, less confident partner who may have a sense of inferiority.

This may be because you believe that you make your spouse whole, or you may have internalized the belief that once wedding vows are taken, spouses must do everything together, have a joint Facebook account, and give up major hobbies, but whatever the reason, this behavior usually results in a very broken marriage.

Not only this, but being in control of a spouse creates a cage for you, as well. After all, if you devote most of your time toward managing another life, how much is left over for your own?

Realize that your spouse, as a human being, needs space. In order for them to share their own life with you, they need to have a life to share. Accept that they need things outside of you, and your marriage will be the better for it.

Remember That Your Spouse Loves You for Who You Are

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The ultimate driver of dependent relationships is insecurity—it’s the fear that you’re inferior, that you’re not good enough, or that you’re barely hanging on to your spouse.

But remember that your spouse loves you for who you really are, and not for how well you can conform your life to theirs, or how similar you can become to them.

Consider this: think on what attracted your spouse to you in the first place, all of the unique traits and quirks and passion that make you who you are.

That’s what you lose when you submerge your personality in service to your spouse.

Remembering how much your spouse loves your authentic self is the ultimate cure for insecure clinginess, so take a moment each day to remind yourself. And don’t be afraid to ask for confirmation! Quite likely, your spouse will be glad to let you know exactly how they feel.