7 Risky Questions Every Wife Needs to Ask

What's it like to be married to me?

Author Linda Dillow talks about the seven risky questions every wife should ask herself from her new book, "What's It Like to be Married to Me?"

A wife and especially a wife who is also a Mom, lives her life scattered and segmented. She sighs: "I never think about my marriage. My life is a treadmill, and I can’t stop running and think. I just move from one area of need to another. My children and job scream louder than my husband, so he gets the leftovers of me." (married 14 years)

Believe me, I understand. I had three children in three years, adopted a fourth when he was a teen, and had teenagers ages 13, 14,15 and 17. I can still feel that overwhelming scatteredness that made my head spin.

When life is wild, we don’t stop and think about our priorities. We don’t think about what is really important. We don’t take time to look at God’s Word and call out to Him, “Search my heart, O God!”

I realized I couldn’t wait until life slowed down to think about my marriage ….I had to do it now. So I got brave and asked myself risky questions like, "What is it like to be married to me?" God met me in the middle of the questions. Will you be brave and ask risky questions?

What is REALLY important to me?

“I work a stressful job and come home to kids, cooking, laundry, and a husband with needs. Everyone at home and work wants a piece of me.” Another wife said it like this: “I never think about my marriage. My life is a treadmill, and I can’t stop running and think.”

Do you realize that your choices reveal what is important to you? When I had three little ones, I realized that my choices must say that my husband is my first priority of all the people on earth. I could push my relationship with my husband off until life got easier but I decided that normal life means hectic, normal means time is at a premium, that time as a couple is hard to come by. I knew that I could live my marriage by default or by design. It was my choice.

I’m so grateful that when the kids were little, I stopped to think about my marriage and chose to have a marriage by design. Now, in the empty nest, we are reaping the benefits!

What does it feel like to be my husband?

“I criticize my husband on a daily basis." (married 17 years)

“I take my husband for granted. He gets the worst part of me on my bad days and what’s left of me most days." (married 34 years)

Are these husband comments typical? I’m sorry to say they are. Solomon described many wives when he said, “A nagging wife is like a dripping rain drop. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.” (Proverbs 27:15-16)

God says our griping, grumbling, nagging and venting attitude is wrong and when a husband feels criticized, and nagged the marriage is sliding down a slippery slope. But there is hope! Tell your gripes to God and not to your husband (Psalm 142:1-3) and put on a no-griping bracelet. What is that? Any bracelet you put on your right wrist and change to the left when you gripe. Then you move it back when you grumble again. This exercise helps us as wives to be aware of what is coming out of our mouths. I promise you will learn and understanding is the first step to change!

Am I willing to change my attitude?

The most important prayer in the world is just two words long: “Thank you.” We wives need an attitude change. Griping goes out, gratitude comes in! Wouldn’t you rather be known as a thankful wife instead of a griping, grumbling, venting one? I would. So I went on a hunt to discover ways to grow in gratitude.

First, I wanted to grow in God Gratitude. I burned Psalm 92:1-2 into my mind and heart. “It is good to give thanks to the Lord and to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; to declare Your loving-kindness in the morning and Your faithfulness by night.” Before I got out of bed in the morning, I thanked God for His unfailing love to me. At night I thanked Him specifically for His faithfulness to me throughout that day. I got excited about thanking God every morning and night.

Second, I wanted to grow in Husband Gratitude. I bought myself a “Thankful Journal” and once a week I wrote what I was thankful for in this man I live with. As I wrote down my “thankfuls,” I was surprised how long the list grew. As my list grew, so did my heart of gratitude. My attitude changed. Yours can too!

What will it take for me to get close to you?

I’m going to tell you a secret: men and women are different! I somehow don’t think you’re shocked. Can a wife really get close to this husband who is so different from her? Absolutely. It begins with understanding his “gap.” God says both husbands and wives have gaps and their gaps are not the same. A wife has a “love gap” and a husband has a “respect gap.” And God’s plan is to fill your husband’s “respect gap” through you, by your words of encouragement and admiration.

The Message renders Ephesians 4:29 like this: “Say only what helps, each word a gift.” Can you imagine how your husband would feel if each word you spoke to him was a gift? I see emotional intimacy as entering into each other's life and hearing not just the words but the heart. And then opening your mouth and pouring courage into the one you love. It is as if you come alongside your husband on his journey through life and speak words to encourage him when life is tough. You choose words that build him up and tell him, “I respect the man you are becoming!”

What is it like to make love with me?

Does any wife want to ask this question? How would your husband answer? For the past twelve years, I’ve traveled around the world teaching Christian women about the joys of sexual intimacy. I’m sad to report that many wives are afraid of sex, disappointed in sexual intimacy, hindered by guilt over their wrong choices or confused over what a godly and sensuous wife looks like.

God is for sex! He longs for every wife to revel in the beauty, the holiness, the joy of intimate oneness and pleasure. Read Proverbs 5: 15-19. What do you see in these verses? I see pleasure. I see delight. I see fun. I see freedom, abandonment, intoxication and ecstasy. This is what God wants for me and for you!

I remember talking to Sadie, a precious young woman who had suffered horrible sexual abuse. She described her intimacy with her husband as “tolerable.” Her counselor and friends said it was amazing with her background that it was even tolerable. I remember the day Sadie said to me, “I’m going to trust God to take us beyond 'tolerable.'" And God did more than Sadie imagined possible. Today joy and delight describe their sexual relationship. Our God is a God who heals! I pray joy and delight will be your words too!

Why do I want to stay mad at you?

“I want to stay mad because you are clearly in the wrong and I’m not. If I give up being mad, then it’s like I’m lying down and giving up—saying that you’re right. I want to stay mad because then I have more ammunition stored up for the day I get to explode. Is this right? No! But it’s so hard to let it go and give it up to the Father.” This honest woman is right, it isn’t right to hold on to my 'mad' at my husband. Sure, it feels good….for a moment. But it builds bitterness and hardness between us. God has some good reasons for us to give up our 'mad.'

Forgiving kicks Satan out!
The apostle Paul encourages us to forgive so that Satan will not outsmart us. (2 Cor. 2:11) Outsmarted by the Evil One? No thank you! I don’t like the picture of my adversary, Satan, squealing with delight because I’ve chosen to hold a grudge. Kick Satan out! Don’t let him win!

Forgiving brings glory to you!
“A woman’s wisdom gives her patience; it is to her glory to overlook an offense.” (Prov. 19:11) Forgiveness is like a piece of stunning jewelry that a woman wears. Her calm and gentle spirit, her tender smile, radiates peace and joy because forgiveness has set her free from resentment.

Throw the rock of bitterness away. When I have 'mad' to throw off, I go outside, pick up a rock, name it bitterness and hurl it as far as I can. “Lord, forgive me for hanging on in my heart. I’m throwing off the anger and bitter feelings toward my husband.”

Is it possible to grow together when things fall apart?

Life is full of problems. In a marriage, a crisis presents the potential for one of two things:

1. Danger that the crisis will tear us apart and destroy our oneness
2. Opportunity that the crisis will push us together and deepen our oneness

The way to grow together when problems assault you is to apply God’s Word to your crisis. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5,6) There are three things in these verses that you are to do: Trust with all YOUR heart, don’t lean on YOUR own understanding, Acknowledge God in all YOUR ways. If those three things happen then HE will smooth out the rough places in your life and marriage. Will you pray this dangerous prayer?

My Father, teach me how to trust You. I want crisis to bring my husband and me closer together. I’m up when things are good and down when they’re bad. I long for us to grow closer together in the hard times. Please help me!

Purchase Linda Dillow's new book, "What's It Like to be Married to Me?"