7 Nights to Sexual Intimacy

Follow this weeklong program and watch the slow burn of passion become a fireworks display.
By Rabbi Shmuley Boteach
For many years, I have sought to draw attention, as a marriage counselor and author, to the diminishing sex life of the American couple. CNN recently reported that 4o million Americans live in marriages that are utterly platonic. Sexual reconnection for married couples is not a luxury but a necessity, and a marriage devoid of lovemaking is akin to a body devoid of life.  So I “modestly” propose a week of sex, especially for those couples who have a moribund sex life. What you’ll be practicing is the journey of sexual intimacy, rather than a goal-oriented sprint toward climax.  Try this 7-day program of passion, and see if you can reignite the sexual soul of your marriage.

Experience the first step to sexual intimacy.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's new book The Kosher Sutra will be published in January by HarperOne.

Night 1: He Massages Her

On the first night, the husband should give his wife a long, sensual massage that is not focused on her sexual zones. Focus on her shoulders, her back, the inside of her knee, the inside of her elbow, her earlobes, her cheeks, and her forehead. This is the starting point because it involves the non-sexual zones of the body and as such stokes the fire of desire by specifically frustrating its further progression.

Night 2: She Returns the Favor

Tonight, the wife should follow suit and do the same to her husband. Reciprocity is essential in marriage. You can't be a glutton for pleasure. You have to show that you derive as much joy from witnessing your spouse come alive through your touch as you do from being touched yourself. The husband, being the gentleman he is, however, must pamper his wife first.

Night 3: It's Touch Time

On night three we're going to make the transformation from the sensual to the more sexual. Tonight, the husband should touch his wife’s body all over, this time paying special attention to her erogenous zones . End the evening by focusing specifically on her sexual zone. He should arouse her but not bring her to climax. Oh, and no intercourse. Behave!

Night 4: His Turn

On night four, the wife does the same to her husband, though intercourse sex is still a no-no. And no, he can’t cheat by having a quickie, so tell him to stop begging.  This is all about widening the definition of sex. So often sex comes to mean simple intercourse followed by unfulfilling climax. Here, we are demonstrating that sex is all about making love. It involves not just a few parts of the body but all of the body. To make this effective, sexual control and discipline are, of course, mandatory. Succumbing to the desire to purge the sexual urge negates all that you wish to accomplish in terms of heightening arousal and increasing desire.

Night 5: Deep Kissing

On the fifth night, it’s time for the couple to do some serious kissing.  Kiss for an hour straight, with heavy petting. Start kissing with your eyes closed, and after doing that for a long while, open your eyes and peer deeply into the portal of each other’s soul. Concentrate on breathing and use looking at each other as a form of non-verbal communication. Whoa. Your desire is probably reaching a crescendo.

Night 6: Have a "Mind Orgasm"

Once all that passion has built up and you are yearning to consummate your lust, finally make love. But even then, make love without climax.  Have intercourse that lasts a long, long time. Yes, I know it takes immense discipline. But so does getting up for work in the morning, and you do that five times a week, right? What you will experience is a “mind orgasm,” an explosion of incredible erotic power that goes off like a depth-charge in the brain.  With a mind orgasm, physical release is not even contemplated because the erotic zone is no longer in your lower regions. Instead of going for quick sexual release, mine each other for information. The man should ask his wife, with intense directness, to describe the sensations in her body. Demand that she reveal her deepest sexual secrets. Need insatiably to know her. Devour her with your mind.

Night 7: Take It Home

On the seventh night, the sacred night, the Sabbath night, finally make love and allow your burning passion to culminate in an explosive extravaganza of sexual ecstasy. Even then, take your time and make the evening last and count. What you should not do is use the number of orgasms you have as any indication of the quality of sex you’ve had. On the contrary, remember that it’s better to have a long, steady-burn of lovemaking and passion than 10 minutes of intercourse followed by 10 seconds of orgasmic pleasure. Remember, it’s the intimate journey that is the reward.

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