7 Lies That Are Slowly Killing Your Marriage

Think you know everything about marriage? Think again, because if you’re like most, you’re probably operating under a few false assumptions that are keeping you and your spouse from having the best relationship possible.

Bad relationship advice is everywhere, and some ideas, no matter how wrong, have been accepted as “fact” in popular culture. These marriage myths can come from within our own families, from the fiction and films we watch, or from assumptions we make. Some of these mistruths are harmless, but others are detrimental, causing relationships to slowly—or sometimes quickly—self-destruct when we take them for fact.

These myths can be insidious—they’re invisible because they simply seem like common sense. But if you take the time to question your assumptions of what a good marriage looks like, you might just find a better way.

The truth is that just about any marriage can work, given a little effort. So if your marriage has been difficult, and you can’t seem to pinpoint exactly why, you may be laboring beneath a lie. To help you find the truth, let’s take a look at 7 lies that are slowly killing your marriage, and what you can do about them.

"Married sex is boring."

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This is one lie that popular culture has on repeat 24 hours a day, and it causes untold havoc in marriages everywhere.

This one usually sets in before marriage even begins, instilling a sense of terror into young people who are afraid that their wild nights are over. And once a marriage is set in stone, the expectation of a lame sex life can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Spouses expect a lack of sexual excitement, and so they give up and do little to learn how to keep the heat going.

Let’s dispel this lie.

The sexual excitement of a healthy, long-term relationship isn’t going to feel the same as the short-term lust that comes with new partner. No—the sexual intimacy of marriage can be far, far deeper and more satisfying, because you’re with someone who knows you profoundly, and is committed to your happiness.

In other words, married sex is the best.

To achieve a great married love life, you’re going to have to communicate with your partner. Don’t be afraid to describe what you like best. Be honest—you’re with the person you can trust most in the world. Don’t be afraid to experiment and try new things.

Above all, just realize that your married sex life is what you make of it, so make the best!

"I have to give up my identity for my marriage."

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When one partner begins to lose their identity within a marriage, it affects both spouses in very different ways. The result, however is always the same: an unhappy marriage for both.

Some people feel that, in order to make their spouse happy, they have to change. To some degree, this can be true. Undesirable habits like dishonesty or uncontrolled rage can be destructive to a relationship. But when a spouse begins to suppress their desire to pursue their passions, to engage in their hobbies, or to make their own choices in order to please a spouse, they stand to lose the very attributes which likely pleased that spouse in the first place.

A marriage isn’t the melding of two people into one—it’s a relationship between two unique individuals who have promised to love and care for one another. So, if your personality and personal choices aren’t hurting your spouse, stick with them.

You should always have a self that is independent of your relationship, so celebrate your own uniqueness, as well as that of our spouse. It’s okay to be different, to respectfully disagree, and to be your own person. Otherwise, things get boring!

"Successful couples don't argue."

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This is one lie that often comes from within the family. Perhaps your father couldn’t take conflict, or maybe your mother was the type to sweep difficult conversations under the rug in order to keep the peace. Whatever the source, many people absorb the false lesson that a happy marriage is one in which arguments simply don’t happen.

This is a lie, and one that will slowly destroy your marriage.

Avoiding problems causes tension and resentment, and destroys emotional intimacy through a lack of communication. Without healthy arguments, couples quickly grow apart because of unmet needs and unaddressed issues.

The simple fact is that the best marriages are ones in which partners communicate openly, honestly, and respectfully. Healthy couples do, in fact, argue, but the key is that they don’t argue to win—they argue to find mutually beneficial solutions to their problems.

Don’t believe this old lie. The best couples can argue while still loving one another.

"Marriage completes me."

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This is a notion often held by younger entrants into married life, and results in a kind of dependency that will erode any relationship over time.

The idea that we might find our soul mate, and that this person will make us somehow “whole” is sweet, but problematic. After all, to say that you need someone else to complete you is to also say that you’re only a half person when you’re on your own.

This just isn’t true.

You’re a whole person, with or without your spouse, and when you operate under the assumption that you’re not, you may come to expect your spouse to fulfill your every need.

This is something that no human being can ever do—it is an unrealistic expectation that will lead to heartbreak for you, and frustration for your spouse, slowly draining the life from your marriage.

You don’t have to become completely dependent on your spouse for all of your needs and wants. Be your own individual, and you’ll be a better partner, and a happier person.

"Marriage means kids, a mortgage, and the end of adventure."

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We all have a certain image of what marriage looks like. Usually, this image takes the form of the typical sitcom-style suburban life, complete with children and a house.

For some people, this is horrifying. But it’s also not what marriage has to look like.

This lie usually comes along with the “married sex is boring” myth, and is just as untrue. Many people think that they have to give up their lives, dreams, and ambitions for marriage, and so when they do marry, the adventure stops.

But the fact is this: marriage can be the beginning of the adventure rather than the end.

Marriage is what you make it. If you think that your life is over once you tie the knot, it will be. You’ll end up miserable, and your relationship will suffer for it. But if you go into marriage with the mindset that anything is possible, marriage will be the exciting journey that it should be.

Marriage can look like you and your spouse living abroad. It can look like a high-rise city apartment. It can look like just the two of you, with no kids on the horizon, ever.

If you and your spouse are feeling stuck in somebody else’s vision of what marriage should be, have an in-depth discussion about what you both want to change. The answers may surprise you.

"I'll always be in love with my spouse."

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This is one marriage lie that’s hard to dispel because the actual truth is hard to swallow. But take a seat, open your mind, and listen.

You won’t always be in love with your spouse. And that’s okay.

Emotions are turbulent things. Like the sea, they wax or wane, crash against the beach in tsunamis, and sometimes become calm and motionless. Romance are important to grow and cultivate over the course of a marriage, but there’s no guarantee you’ll feel head-over-heels in love 100 percent of the time.

In fact, you’ll sometimes feel downright hostile toward your spouse. But if you believe this particular lie, you’ll believe your marriage is over when romantic love fades, and you might be tempted to end it.

Don’t. The lull is temporary, and the tide will soon come back in.

It’s important to realize that how you feel about your spouse will change over time. The key here lies in remembering that the core of a marriage isn’t just about the highs of love—it’s also about friendship, companionship, and intimacy. Instead of edging away from your spouse when romance temporarily wanes, work to keep the relationship a good one through communication, respect, and emotional openness. With these things intact, love will return.

Early in a marriage, love fuels the relationship. But later, it is the relationship that fuels the love. Remember that.

"My spouse won't change."

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Oscar Wilde once said that “The tragedy of marriage is that while all women marry thinking that their man will change, all men marry believing their wife will never change.”

There’s some truth to Mr. Wilde’s words. We have no control over how our spouse changes over time. Everyone changes, and that process can be devastating for someone thinks that their spouse will always remain exactly as they are, frozen in time.

Letting go of the lie that your spouse will never change will help you to be more open to his or her maturation—you’ll be better able to accept the fact that your spouse is a living, breathing, changing human being who will continue to grow throughout life.

Don’t let the assumption that your spouse will never change slowly kill your marriage. Get excited about the new things in his or her life, join in, and you won’t feel left behind.