6 Ways Your Unrealistic Expectations Hurt Your Wife

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Unrealistic expectations are a top marriage killer. Love is built on trust. Often, people think that love can conquer whatever obstacle shows up in their relationship, but it is trust that truly conquers. Trust holds everything together. Trust pushes us to believe that we can overcome every obstacle with our partner. When trust in your space, there is also a freedom to share your heart because you know that you both value each other. But unrealistic expectations disrupt that trust. When your relationship isn’t anchored in trust, the relationship will breakdown. When couples enter their marriage covenant, too often they think the relationship should always be filled with romance, sunset walks holding hands and cuddling together on the couch – basically, a fifty-year date. However, they’re up for a rude awakening. Reality settles in quickly and a young couple’s end up crushed with disappointment if they enter marriages with unrealistic expectations. Husbands, you may look to your wife to fulfill expectations when the best place to take them is God. Taking them to your spouse can have negative consequences. Here are six ways unrealistic expectations hurt your wife.

It Creates Emotional Pain

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Unrealistic expectations in marriage can bring a painful avalanche of emotions for your wife. When you focus on the negative qualities of the relationship rather than the good qualities, your wife will begin to feel that she’s undervalued and ultimately, rejected. They may also feel a sense of humiliation, shame and embarrassment. Nothing brings more pain into a marriage than feeling like you don’t measure up in your marriage. A cycle that many married couples fall into when a hurt occurs in their marriage is to clam up about the issue, withdraw from one another, dwell too much on the hurt, hold onto a grudge, walk on eggshells around one another and dig in their heels on the issue. This allows bitterness to build and the couple ends up in a cold war and deep disillusionment.

It Creates Distance

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Emotional distance between you and your spouse is part of the ebb and flow of normal relationships. There are times in your marriage when you will feel extremely close to each other. Other times, that closeness just isn’t there. This becomes a problem, however, when you feel the emotional distance has become the norm in your relationship and that normal interaction is minimal. Unrealistic expectations can create distance between you and your wife. When she feels like she’s not meeting your expectations, she will fill undesired and may begin to distance herself from you. Remember, everyone has a desire to be loved and love in return. It is one of the most basic human needs. Marriage is generally an excellent place to fulfill that need. While there will be times in your marriage when you feel less connected than others, you shouldn’t let these periods go on too long.

It Kills Her Confidence

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It is very difficult for a wife to compete with expectations that may be simply out of her reach to fulfill. Although she may try, eventually she will come to the realization that she is no match for her husband’s ideals. Overwhelmed by a feeling of defeat, she may begin to believe she will never measure up. Husbands, it’s important that you stop yourself from destroying your wife’s confidence. Her confidence in the marriage is imperative. When confidence is not there, you may begin to feel her withdrawing. Let your wife know you’re thankful for something she’s done. Better yet, let her know how you love and appreciate her just for who she is.

It Makes it Harder For Her to Communicate

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Unrealistic expectations can really stifle your wife’s communication. If a woman feels like she is unable to fulfill her husband’s expectations, one of the first things to go is communication. Withdrawing may become her go to coping mechanism. If she feels like a failure, hopeless, broken or afraid she may deem emotional vulnerability too great a risk to take. One way to combat this is to ask her opinions on decisions you are making or ask for her thoughts on something you are studying in Scripture or trying to figure out in your head. Let her know her opinion matters keeps those lines of communication open and lets her know you value her thoughts.

It Makes Her Lose Respect For You

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Trust is broken by pushing our point of view onto another, by violating their boundaries, spoken and unspoken and by not accepting their parenthood. Once we have violated another, we’ve broken their trust. It is natural for wives to withdraw into a shell of protectiveness, often developing feelings of bitterness, and this breaks healthy connection. A wife wants to feel like she’s meeting your expectations, but if she feels like she’s being set up for failure instead, trouble is on the way. If you keep asking for the impossible, you can quickly lose all of her respect. It is critical that we talk about what we need to feel respected, how others violate these boundaries, and how you can work together to rebuild respect.