6 Silent Traps Hurting Christian Marriages

Every marriage will have its ups and downs. Every couple will have their struggles. As Christians, we accept those facts and do everything we can to make our marriages work. We avoid affairs, whether they are physical or emotional, and support our spouse. We try to act as good Christians should, but what if our well-meaning actions are contributing to the problems in our marriage?

As the old proverb says, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” There are times that our best intentions are actually aggravating our marital problems. In such cases, we often continue to do more of that well-intentioned action without realizing we are worsening the situation. How can we tell when we are continuing to feed the fire of discord?

It isn’t easy and requires paying close attention to our spouse’s reactions to our actions as well as scrutinizing our own motivations. Are we acting this way because we truly it think is best, or are we continuing to act on bad habits? Does our spouse respond positively to what we are doing, or do they throw up their hands in frustration? Christians are just as prone to making mistakes in marriages as any other group. Here are six silent traps that Christians often fall into.

Poor Communication

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This is possibly the most commonly cited problem in any struggling relationship. It can, however, come from a place of good intentions. We all have little things about our spouse that bother us. Maybe she spends date night scrolling through Facebook, or he gets up in the middle of dinner to check the game’s score. Maybe he hits the snooze three times in the morning, or she is always running late. We could say something and potentially start a fight or hurt our loved one’s feelings. We don’t want him to think we don’t care about what makes him happy, so we don’t say anything. We smile and try to practice patience and forgiveness.

This is a recipe for disaster. Those little annoyances build up into hard-to-break habits or a big fight. Let it go if it’s a one-off, but speak up if she keeps doing it. It’s better to identify a potential problem early than leave our spouse wondering why we’re always frustrated with them.

Finances

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Lots of Christians hate talking about money. We don’t want to admit that we want it or think about the fact that we need it. “Money” has become synonymous with greed and a dirty word in many Christian households. This can lead to a reluctance to talk to our spouse about financial concerns. We avoid the topic because we don’t want to seem greedy or appear to be accusing our loved one of materialism. Unfortunately, this only deepens the tensions around an already stressful topic. Problematic spending may go unchecked because we refuse to confront our spouse. The opposite can also occur. Perhaps our household has had an unexpected financial windfall. We want to give some of it away to charity, but are uncertain of how to broach the subject with our spouse. Either way, our desire to spurn the tensions caused by money only worsens our stress over the subject.

Technological Interference

We are surrounded by technology at all times in this day and age. Smartphones are a great way to keep up with work emails while waiting for a bus, and social media has connected Christian missionaries with their families half-way across the globe. All that information can, however, create unique problems in a marriage. More than one relationship has been destroyed because he was more interested in his smartphone than talking with his wife. We might not say anything because we don’t want to be rude or sound like we are asking her to stop communicating with her sister. There is, however, a time and a place for smartphone and social media use. It is no problem if he is texting his mother during the morning train ride into the city before work. It is a problem if she’s more interested in Facebook than conversation at a family dinner. When technology gets in the way of a marriage, it’s time to have a serious talk.

Taking Them For Granted

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Everyone likes to be appreciated. Sadly, we sometimes forget to appreciate our spouse. When we see the love of our life every day, we can start to take them for granted. We forget to thank him when he mows the lawn, or we stop being grateful that she cooked dinner. The small gestures of appreciation are lost and our spouse starts to feel like we are taking them and their contributions to the household for granted.

Each spouse needs to contribute to the household to keep it running smoothly, but that is no reason to ignore basic gratitude. We know that they will be by our side until death as soon as they say “I do,” but that doesn’t mean we should start taking them for granted. Recognize the little things he does around the house, and thank her for her contributions to the household finances. Make sure they know they are appreciated.

Change in Plans or Ambitions

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Things change. Unexpected opportunities arise, and we want our spouse to take advantage of them. Still, what could be a fabulous chance for her can throw a major wrench in our plans. Perhaps the plan was to have children soon after marriage, but now she is up for a huge promotion and wants to focus on her career for several more years. Maybe he was always on board with the idea of putting down deep roots in a town before having children, but now he has opportunities to travel that he never had before.

As Christians, we want to be supportive and grateful for the great new chances our spouse has received. We want to be happy for them, but it can be difficult when that upsets everything we had planned on.

When plans or ambitions suddenly change, we need to sit down with our spouse and have a serious conversation. Perhaps this new opportunity really is the best thing for both of us, but there are some concerns that need to be addressed. Open the dialogue and make sure to really listen to what they have to say.

Stonewalling

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This can come from a place of manipulation or hard-heartedness, but it can also be born of a desire to avoid a fight. Sometimes we have a really long day and know that we might not be able to keep a civil tongue in our heads or a solid grip on our temper. We don’t want to say something hurtful to our spouse so we push off the conversation for later. We stop listening and avoid the discussion.

While our intentions are noble, we are baffling and frustrating our spouse. They think we are just avoiding talking about a topic or dismissing their concerns. Instead of stonewalling our spouse, we need to let them know that now is not a good time and suggest a time that would be a good time to talk. If we know there will be no time to discuss something before work we shouldn’t tell our spouse “we’ll talk about it in the morning.” Decide on a time that works and, when that time comes, have the discussion.