5 Ways to Stop Getting Ticked Off at Your Husband

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Has this ever happened to you? One night your husband arrives home late, and it doesn’t bother you one bit. A week later he pulls in the driveway equally late, and you’ve already been rehearsing the speech you’ll launch into as soon as he steps his sorry self inside. You think, he doesn’t care about our family! You decide that he has the problem - or even, that he is the problem.

Or maybe some mornings you’re ready to tear your husband’s hair out for leaving his socks on the floor instead of pitching them in the hamper, while other mornings you happily fetch the garments while humming to yourself. We dwell on the particular infraction - being late or leaving socks lying around but we often fail to realize that it isn’t necessarily what our husbands do that makes us mad. It’s other things that are going on in the background that trigger our irritation. We let these other things, these triggers, influence how we think about our husbands.

Irritation Triggers

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A few weeks ago I overreacted when my husband sat down to play a computer game. I stomped. I was short with him. I certainly didn't feel frisky that night. But normally when Keith plays a game it doesn't bother me a bit - I waste time, too, after all! That particular night, though, we had just reunited after ten days apart. And when I'm alone, I get used to it. I cook what I want when I want. I watch Netflix marathons without feeling like I'm neglecting anybody. When he comes home, he crimps my style.

I put all that aside and determined to have a wonderful reunion. When he clicked on that computer instead, I thought, "If I have to get with the program, shouldn't he, too?" And my irritation grew. It wasn't what he was doing, though; it was that ten-day distance that made me a ticked-off wife waiting to erupt.

Quite often our irritation has little to do with our husbands, and everything to do with what's already going on in our lives. What would happen if we started scanning for these "irritation triggers" before they sent our marriages into a tailspin?

Trigger #2: Feeling Defensive

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While speaking at a conference recently, a woman approached me for prayer to stop yelling at her kids.

As we talked, I shared with her that anger is usually a secondary emotion. We feel something else first, but if that feeling is too difficult to deal with, we deflect it into anger. In her case, she was afraid that she wasn’t a good mom. When the house grew messy, loud, and chaotic, it seemed to prove her fear was justified, so she became angry to avoid feeling guilty. In a similar way, often our anger at our husbands is really anger at ourselves for not measuring up.

Solution: Talk to a friend, a counselor, or even your own journal about your fears of inadequacy. Then tell yourself truths about who God made you to be. Join a Bible study about your worth in Christ. Everyday write down the truths God is showing you about who you are and how you are living out your purpose.

Trigger #3: Feeling Tired

I remember the years when my girls were babies to be ones of constant irritation. I was so desperate for sleep that I started counting the number of minutes Keith slept compared to me, as if he owed me something.

For most couples today lack of sleep isn't confined to the baby years. The internet and computer games lull us into staying up into the wee hours of the morning, and then we're not at our best throughout the day. Grumpiness isn't far behind.

Solution: Teach babies and toddlers to sleep on their own as soon as you can. But remember that adults need bedtimes, too! If you have to be up at 6:45, go to sleep at 10:45. If you want couple time, you need to turn in, together, before that. Switch off the modem at bedtime to reduce temptation.

Trigger #4: Feeling Distant

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Sex was the primary way that God created for us to experience intimacy in marriage, and when we’re not pursuing it, it can feel as if we’re keeping our spouse at arm’s length even if that isn’t our conscious intention.

That’s when it’s easy to feel unsettled in our relationship because we haven’t “checked in” lately by making love. When you make love, you say, “I love you. I forgive past hurts. I want to be close.” When you don’t make love, those things may still be true, but you haven’t shown it tangibly. No wonder we start to doubt. And when we’re doubting, those socks on the floor seem to be saying, “I don’t care about you.”

Solution: Prioritize making love! Instead of asking yourself, "do I want to tonight?", ask yourself, "Is there really a good reason to say no?" Make yes your default!

Trigger #5: Feeling Hormonal

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If I were to track all the times that I’ve been a crying mess in front of my husband in the last few months, they would line up almost exactly with… Well, you know what I’m talking about. And this gets way worse when you hit your forties and perimenopause starts. Your hormones used to pop up and wave at you occasionally, but now they’re tackling you, knocking you down, and stomping on you for good measure.

Solution: Download a cycle tracker app to warn you when bad days are coming. On those days, spend time by yourself, order takeout for dinner, and make that family movie night instead of "let's all talk together" night. It can be safer for everyone! Conflict is part of every marriage, even healthy ones. We should never run away from conflict. But irritation is different. It doesn't bring us together; it just pushes us apart. So let's scan for triggers so instead of being ticked off we can appreciate our mates again.