5 Things You Have to Discuss Before Marriage

Pixabay.com

Couples do not have to think precisely alike before getting married. There may be topics about which they simply agree to disagree. She may be a staunch conservative, but he has always been liberal. The difference in opinion does not mean that they cannot have a successful marriage. It just means that politics may not be a good topic for dinner conversation. There are some areas, however, where couples cannot compromise. These subjects need to be addressed before the wedding. No one wants to be blindsided on their fifth anniversary with a fundamental disagreement that simply cannot be solved. It is far better to get those sorts of issues out into the open before someone pops the question. That way, if two people have to go their separate ways, it is before they have both come to believe the other person will be there forever, just as they vowed. Here are five things you have to discuss before marriage.

Children

Pexels.com

Before you say “I do,” you and your potential spouse need to decide if you want children. You might be able to disagree on the exact number of little munchkins you want running around as long as the numbers are close. It might not be a problem if he wants two kids and she wants three, but there may be no way to reconcile her desire for one child and his for a flock of seven.

The discussion revolving around children cannot simple end with “we both want kids.” You and your potential spouse also have to discuss how you would raise said hypothetical children. Would one of you quit their job? Would you put them in daycare or have family watch them? How big a part in the child’s life should religion play? How would you handle punishments when the child misbehaves?

You and your potential spouse should also discuss what to do if you both want kids but find out that one of you suffers from medical complications. When is a high risk pregnancy too risky? Are you open to fertility treatments? If so, what are you comfortable with undertaking? How much can you spend trying to subvert infertility? All of these questions need to be addressed.

Career

Shutterstock.com

The odds are that neither you nor your potential spouse plans on leaving the workforce as soon as the two of you have finished exchanging vows. That means you do have to have a very honest conversation about your careers. What may have worked when you were dating may not work during marriage, so you need to revisit the topic. How much travel for work is too much? When does working long hours become a problem? If one person consistently works until midnight or gets up at dawn to make their commute, how are you planning to handle sleeping arrangements? How much of a focus is each of your careers? Are you looking to settle down and have a family in five years, or do you want to keep climbing the corporate ladder for another ten? What is the plan if someone needs to relocate? Are you comfortable moving with your spouse or do you want to stay put? Would you want to do a long distance relationship? If so, for how long would you be comfortable living in different cities? Given how often Americans move, these are not idle questions.

Chores

Shutterstock.com

You might not mind always doing the dishes when you two are dating, but if all the household chores fall on your shoulders in marriage, problems can pile up faster than the dirty laundry. You and your potential spouse may already have discussed this issue if you lived together before the engagement, but there are still things that people will accept from a roommate that they will not stand for in a spouse. Talk with your potential spouse about what is an acceptable division of labor at home. Does one person cook dinner and the other does the dishes? Is one person responsible for keeping the kitchen clean and the other takes care of the bathroom? Does each person clean up their own mess? How do you divide the mess in common areas? How often should you clean the house? What do each of you define as cleaning the house? Do you want the house to simply be free of visible dirt, but you partner wants it to be clean enough to do surgery on the kitchen counter? What products can be used to clean the house? Does one of you only want to use all-natural, organic, green cleaners while the other is happy to dump bleach on everything? Unless you want the roaches to be witness to arguments over chores, you need to talk with your significant other before you tie the knot.

Company

Shutterstock.com

Unless you plan to become hermits together, you are going to have company at some point. There are, however, some questions that need to be addressed regarding that company. How many people are you comfortable having at a time? Is that rule always true, or does that number go up during special times such as Thanksgiving and Christmas? How many people can stay overnight at a time? How long can company stay? Do you agree that both fish and visitors smell in three days, or do you prefer to enjoy a person’s presence for longer when they visit? How much warning do you need before company arrives? Is a day’s notice enough, or do you want to have a month to get everything prepared? Be sure to clarify if these rules differ for family. Plenty of people want several week’s advance warning before friends come to stay but are perfectly comfortable with their brother simply showing up at the door. If you and your potential spouse differ wildly here, it is best to know early so you do not end up feeling like you are living in either a hermitage or a hotel.

Dealbreakers

Shutterstock.com

There are some things that you simply cannot get past. Commonly called “dealbreakers” or “call-offs,” these are the sort of things that you absolutely cannot stand dealing with in a relationship. One of the most common call-offs is smoking. For many people, this is a dealbreaker even in dating, but it becomes an especially big problem when two people are considering marriage. Smokers get smoke everywhere, even if they never smoke in the house. The scent sticks to their clothes, hair, breath and skin. It does not take long for the residual smell to permeate a house and leave the nonsmoker wanting to gag. Other common dealbreakers include pet allergies or disliking animals, a nearly surgical attachment to their phone, crazy ex’s, clinginess and bad body odor. When call-offs come up, make sure you find out if the other person is willing to change their behavior. Some people are willing to give up smoking or learn to live without their phone for their spouse. Others refuse to change. Be sure you know which you are dealing with before you seal the deal.