7 Ways to Deal with a Difficult Person

Sharon was at her wits end with her friend, Ann. Ann is moody, unstable and easily upset. When Ann is upset, she has an intensity that makes Sharon uncomfortable. Ann’s angry outbursts often result in threats to leave the friendship or to do something impulsive. Sharon doesn’t feel like she can be herself around Ann and often feels responsible for Ann’s bad mood.

Sarah is about to leave her boyfriend, Seth. He is unreasonable whenever there is a conflict. Rather than accepting responsibility for his part of the problem, he blames Sarah. He is always right. And she can’t take his constant criticism. Sarah has repeatedly tried to discuss problems but her efforts always end in Seth becoming defensive.

People like Ann and Seth are difficult for a number of reasons. They react in extreme ways and have trouble regulating their emotions. They don’t tolerate distress well and see things in black and white terms. Their intensity is exhausting. Their inability to talk out relationship problems and work through differences make them interpersonally challenging.

Difficult people do not always connect their actions with consequences and this makes solving problems hard to do. They play the blame game and often control the conversation with yelling, accusations, disrespect or even the silent treatment. If you don’t agree with them, you are labeled a problem.

So what is the best way to react to someone like Ann or Seth? Here are 7 tips:

Set Boundaries

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With difficult people, it helps to set ground rules ahead of time. These are rules of engagement. For example, if the person is escalating or personally demeaning to you, stop the conversation and say, “I am not comfortable with things that are being said. We need to stop for now.” Stick to your guns! But ahead of time, state what will and will not be tolerated in a conflict or conversation. Things like no yelling, name-calling, disrespect, accusations, are conversation stoppers. Lay these rules out ahead of time and hold fast to them. The person won’t like you controlling the conversation this way but simply say, “When you are ready to abide by our rules, I will be ready to talk again.”

Be Patient

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Change is slow with difficult people as they will keep testing you to go back to old patterns of relating that are not healthy—yelling, calling names, accusing, etc. So concentrate on the way you respond and keep practicing that behavior until you see a change. You will become frustrated because of the patience required, but at the root of the problem is a person with tremendous insecurity, hurt or wounding who finds it difficult to trust and be open to introspection. Understanding this often helps with patience. Perhaps you are helping to correct a long-standing problem of relating to people. It took years for the person to develop the unhealthy pattern, so it may take years for the pattern to change.