5 Ways to Identify a Failing Relationship

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Every relationship has its ups and downs. The honeymoon phase, when you look at your partner with stars in your eyes, won’t last forever. Thankfully, the tough periods come to an end as well, and your relationship will be stronger for the trials. You and your partner will argue or disagree. You will fear you are losing that “spark,” but most couples pull through it just fine. A rocky period doesn’t mean you are in a failing relationship, right?

Anyone who has looked back on a previous relationship can point to the signs that things were falling apart. With hindsight, it’s easy to say “I should have known,” or claim that you should have seen the writing on the wall. You remember how he stopped telling you all about his day and realize that he had started pulling away. You think of how she stopped coming up with ideas for date night and recognize that she had lost interest.

The signs of a failing relationship are easy to see in hindsight but can be difficult to recognize in the moment. We don’t want to think that we are losing someone who is so important to us. We rationalize. We find excuses. We tell ourselves that our partner had a long day. Everyone has bad days, but how can differentiate a temporary problem from a failing relationship? Here are five signs that the relationship may be headed south.

Change in Affection

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Small fluctuations in how much affection your partner shows you isn’t something to worry about. When that honeymoon phase ends, he may not want to hold your hand all through dinner. When you’ve been together for months, she may be getting tired of you hugging her when she’s trying to reach the cereal.

Small changes in how affectionate your partner is shouldn’t worry you. If they have changed dramatically, though, that’s another story. There is likely a problem if he used to say he loved you several times a day and now never does. Similarly, be worried if she always gave you a kiss goodbye and welcome home, but seems reluctant to now.

Large changes in how affectionate your partner is often signals trouble in a relationship. They aren’t showing the same level of affection because they don’t feel it anymore. If that’s happening to you, it’s time to have a serious conversation with your partner about whether he or she thinks you two have a chance.

Lack of Communication

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Communication is the bedrock of a stable relationship. Without it there is no way to really address and solve problems or conflicts. If communication fails between you and your partner, your chance at a long-term relationship is minimal.

If you and your partner aren’t communicating, it could be either a sign or the cause of your failing relationship. If your partner doesn’t talk to you anymore, the best you can hope for is that you start drifting apart. You feel like you can’t confide in him anymore or you feel like she has stopped confiding in you. This creates an emotional distance that stresses a relationship. The longer this distance lingers, the more difficult it is to reconnect. It’s hard to bridge an emotional gap and let yourself be vulnerable if you are not getting any response.

Another potential consequence of a lack of communication is fighting. You two start arguing more as you feel like everything is going in one ear and out the other. You get passive aggressive and tell yourself that you don’t care anyway. Before you know it, you have one foot out the door.

Reoccurring Arguments

There will always be things you two just don’t agree on. Maybe she likes to keep the house cold at night, but you get too hot. Maybe he just can never seem to remember to take out the trash. Small disagreements are part of sharing your life with another person. You’ll never agree on everything, but those differences shouldn’t be a source of serious conflict.

When you’re in a failing relationship those little disagreements suddenly seem huge. Rather than rolling your eyes and asking him to take out the trash or shaking your head at her and putting on a sweater, you start getting short with your partner. Trivial differences suddenly become the center of large arguments.

If you are having the same argument with your partner over and over again, there’s a good chance you are in a failing relationship. Whether you are arguing over something petty as dirty dishes or significant as an affair is irrelevant. Once you start to feel like you both are reading from a script, your relationship is in serious jeopardy.

Defensiveness

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It is never a good sign when your partner feels on edge around you. Your relationship is likely in trouble if you find that your partner is getting defensive. It may not be their doing either. If your partner is getting defensive, you need to check yourself and see if they have a reason to be. Are you on her all the time about how much her make-up costs? Are you constantly needling him about being a slob? If that’s the case, you are the one creating the problem. You need to really consider why those things bother you and have a serious discussion with your partner about the underlying causes of your criticisms. If money is tight, explain that she needs to cut back on the lipstick. If you’re getting roaches, make it clear that he needs to clean up the pasta sauce he spilled all over the counter.

If you are the one getting defensive, you may need to have a similar conversation. There’s likely a reason that you leaving your dirty clothes in your gym bag is driving your partner up the wall.

In the event that neither of you are really digging at each other, it’s time to think about why you are taking that offhand comment about the mud on your shoes so personally. The answer may require a serious conversation with your partner.

Not Making Time for Each Other

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We’re all busy. Everyone understands that. People today need an extra four hours in their days to get everything done that “needs” to be done. Making time for your partner should be a priority, though.

Now, just because your partner doesn’t want to go have a romantic dinner when they’ve worked a 70 hour week or isn’t up for a long walk through the park when they have a huge meeting the next day, doesn’t meet you are in a failing relationship. There will be those times where there just isn’t time. That shouldn’t be the norm, though.

If your partner never seems to have time to spend with you, there is a problem. When things are truly important to us, we find time for them, regardless of how busy we are. If your partner is invested in your relationship, they’ll make time for you. Even if it’s just a quick phone call to tell you they love you when they are traveling or taking an hour to help you prepare for a job interview.

If you are too busy to ever make time for your partner, it may be time to let them down gently. The relationship doesn’t really matter to you anymore. Conversely, if they never seem to have time to spend with you, brace yourself to hear “it’s not you, it’s me.”