The Secrets to a Successful Friendship

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In all of literature, one of the best examples of a friend is found in “The Lord of the Rings,” in the form of Samwise Gamgee. Sam, a simple gardener, accompanies Frodo on his quest to destroy the One Ring in order to save Middle-earth, and it because of Sam’s devotion that they are successful. Never afraid to say how much he cared, nor afraid to lovingly correct and give advice, Sam never left Frodo’s side, never abandoned him or belittled him, and trusted in him, completely. In the end, it was this friendship that drove the story on.

Friendship is often what drives our own personal stories, as well. Thinking back on your life, it’s likely that some of your fondest memories were with others, in the moments that felt closest and most intimate.

This kind of close, quality friendship, though, takes some work, just like anything worth having. Read on to find the secrets to a successful friendship, and keep your relationships strong and healthy.

Trust

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Trust is absolutely essential to friendship. It allows us to relax with another person, and to feel safe in confiding in them. Many people have hurts in their past which make it difficult for them to trust others, and this is often a source of great loneliness.

It’s hard to know who to trust. Most of us have reasons not to—we’ve all been hurt or disappointed or rejected at some point. Often, we remain closed off until the other person “earns” our trust, but there’s a problem with this approach. No one can truly earn trust, and so we remain closed. That uncertainly will always be there. Realizing that the possibility for disappointment and pain are a part of every relationship, and determining to work through any pain or problems that do arise, can make it so much easier to grant trust.

So make an informed decision, and trust. Open up. Don’t deprive yourself of one of the best experiences in life—a close and trusting friendship.

Closeness

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The closeness of a relationship is a large part of why we seek friendships in the first place. We all want someone who we can confide in, complain to, and feel safe with.

But there are walls that we must learn to tear down before we can truly call a friendship intimate—not intimate in the way that a romantic relationship is, but intimate in the sense of closeness, trust, and shared feelings. This is particularly difficult for men, who are often conditioned from a young age to believe that intimate friendships are undesirable and unnecessary, something to be mocked.

But this isn’t so. Both men and women need close friends. To foster closeness, ensure that conversation isn’t merely “reporting”—a giving of information, but also “rapport”—true interaction. A true friend asks questions about their friend’s life, about their feelings, about their opinions and dreams. Uncover what makes them tick. And then, using what you find, nurture them. You’ll find your friendship slowly deepening, becoming more satisfying than ever before.

Regular Interaction

It may go without saying, but any successful friendship requires interaction. We all have our “passive” friendships—people we know, but with whom we hardly ever interact. Do these relationships satisfy you? Not likely.

Sociologists, since the 1950s, have considered repeated, unplanned interactions to be one of the requirements for friendship formation. In this instance, unplanned simply means that you routinely visit the same places and run into one another. This is merely the beginning of a successful friendship, though.

Keep interacting. Go beyond mere happenstance. Plan outings based on mutual interests, or, even better, to learn about something your friend loves. Don’t let too much time pass by between interactions without explanation, either—this can sometimes lead to feelings of abandonment. Show your friend that you’re willing to make time for them.

We all love to feel important, and when a friend reaches out to us, wanting to spend time on us, it’s touching. Do this for your friends, and they’ll return the favor.

Establish Realistic Expectations

The number one breaker of friendships—of relationships in general—is the failure to establish realistic expectations. This really can’t be stressed enough.

Imagine two friends—Cerise and Anya. Anya expects to interact with Cerise at least two times a week, but Cerise is very busy, and only has time for one outing a month. Cerise never communicates this, and Anya never communicates her expectation. In the end, both grow bitter at one another—Cerise at Anya for perceived neediness, and Anya at Cerise for not spending time on her. In actuality, Cerise is not cold-hearted, and Anya is not needy, but this is how they perceive one another because they never established expectations and boundaries.

Tell your friends what they may expect of you, especially when it comes to the giving of time. The ability to set boundaries is a function of trust—you must trust a person to understand and not attack you when they establish their expectations, and they should be able to receive the same from you.

Listen and Communicate

Communication—true communication—is the thread which binds friends together, and that takes listening skills. Listening involves more than hearing; you have to be able to place yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you’re a naturally dominant person, try to place that to the side for a moment and allow the other person to speak without interruption. Don’t think about your response while they speak and attempt to come up with a “solution” as quickly as possible. Let them speak.

When you do respond, make sure it’s thoughtful. Ask meaningful questions that are related to what you’ve been told. The deepest, most long-lasting and successful friendships grow from quality communication because they feel safe. Both parties feel that they’re not only heard, but listened to, and that what they’ve said is important enough to have been thought over.

It’s nearly guaranteed that if you improve your listening skills, then all of your relationships will improve. So practice these steps in your next conversation, and become a better listener.