6 Signs of an Unhealthy Friendship

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Most people treasure their friends and their relationships with their friends. They understand that there is a lot of truth to the old statement that friends are the family you choose. Unfortunately, just as there are people who do not value their children, their spouse, their siblings or their parents, there are people who do not value their relationships with their friends. Given that friendships require at least two people, this causes problems. At best, the relationship is badly uneven, and one person ends up pouring their time and energy into a relationship with a person who will never bother to reciprocate that investment of time and energy. At worst, what should be a treasured friendship becomes a toxic drain on a person’s time, energy, emotional strength and self-confidence. Unhealthy relationships can bring even the strongest person to their knees, and friendships are no exception. If anything, a toxic friendship might be more likely to do damage. People often keep their eyes open for red flags in romantic relationships. They do not always think, however, to look for those same issues in a friendship. Here are six signs of an unhealthy friendship that may be draining you of more than you can afford to lose.

They cancel plans when something better comes up.

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As a general rule, when you make plans with someone, you expect them to follow through with their commitment. A real friend will do exactly that. If they said they would attend your party or meet you for dinner, they will be there. They will not suddenly cancel on you without a very good reason.

Everyone occasionally has times where something unavoidable crops up. A relative may suddenly be hospitalized or another good friend has car trouble and needs someone to come pick them up. Emergencies happen, and the average person has no problem taking a rain check on dinner because their friend’s child caught the flu. Problems arise, however, when you have a friend that cancels their plans with you, not because of extenuating circumstances, but because something better came up. For example, you and your friend had plans for a lunch date. The night before, or even the morning of the day you were supposed to meet, your friend received an invitation to go to the amusement park with another friend of theirs. Rollercoasters sounded more fun than lunch, so they ditch you to hang out with someone else. When this happens repeatedly, you need to stop thinking of the other person as a friend. To them, you are not a friend. You are a backup plan.

You are always on the defensive.

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Most people have been unfortunate enough to have a relationship where they feel like they are always on the defensive. They always have to be ready to defend themselves against an accusation or must forever be braced for a nasty argument. Sometimes, this happens in a romantic relationship with a couple that is fighting constantly. Other times, however, it occurs between people who are supposed to be friends. You might find that you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop when you are with your friends or that you feel you constantly have to be ready to defend an opinion or justify any remark you make. If you find yourself living like this, you probably need to find better friends. Real friends do not make you feel paranoid, worried or on edge. Friends should let you off the hook when you shove your foot in your mouth, not be the ones who pile on to beat you down for a poorly phrased comment. They should be the people you can let your guard down around, not the ones you constantly have to prepare to fight off.

They laugh off your feelings.

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Most people have been unfortunate enough to have a false friend who brushes off anyone else’s emotions as irrelevant or worthy of dismissal. Every time you are angered by something they say, they claim you are overreacting. When your feelings are hurt by a cruel comment, they insist that they were just joking, and you are taking things too seriously. This is the sort of pseudo-friendship that the vast majority of people, thankfully, outgrow in middle and high school. Unfortunately, there are still plenty of adults who think that the claim that they were joking is a get out of jail free card for social interactions.

Friends should pay attention to your feelings. That does not mean that they cannot or should not call you out when you actually are overreacting or taking a truly harmless joke too seriously, but they should not dismiss your feelings wholesale.

You are always the one who initiates contact.

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In today’s hyper-connected virtual world, everyone is constantly communicating with other people. As such, it can be baffling when a friend does not respond to your queries right away or does not reach out to you regularly. If you are always the one initiating contact, there are a couple of potential reasons. The first is simply that your friend may not be someone who is surgically attached to their phone or computer. The second is that your friend may be the sort who is cheerfully but harmlessly oblivious. They are busy or a bit flighty so they never think to be the one initiating conversations. That said, they respond enthusiastically when you do reach out. The third option is that you have a so-called friend who simply does not think about you enough to remember to contact you. In this case, you are best served by downgrading them to the status of “acquaintance.” Friendships, like all relationships, are two way street. If you are always the one reaching out, your friend is not doing their share of the work.

They disappear when you need them but expect you to be there for them.

“Friends are the family you choose,” or at least so goes the old saying. As such, you expect your true friends to act rather like a second family for you. You should be able to celebrate your triumphs with them and turn to them for help when you are struggling. Unfortunately, some people are nothing more than fair weather friends. They are happy to be your friend and spend time with you when you are on top of the world, but they vanish as soon as you need a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand. Despite that fact, they expect you to be there for them when they are having a hard time. You do not need to cut such people out of your life entirely, but do not let yourself think you can rely on them. You might still enjoy doing things with fair weather friends, but focus most of your energy on deepening your relationships with those you can count on instead of people who will abandon you at the first hint of trouble.

They never remember anything important (and never ask for a reminder).

When you think of someone who has a fabulous memory, you probably picture someone like Sherlock Holmes or that friend of yours who can recall the name of a random acquaintance they met three years ago without missing a beat. Your coworker who still struggles to keep the names of your team straight after six months, on the other hand, qualifies in most people’s minds as someone with a terrible memory. That, however, is not always the case. Some people have an excellent memory for details like names and birthdays. Others are terrible at keeping names straight, but if you show them a face, they can tell you the person’s life story with ease. You likely have a friend in each of those categories. As such, it is not a huge deal if you have a friend that consistently calls your mother Martha instead of Margaret especially if they only see your mother around Thanksgiving. Friends should, however, remember the things that are important. Forgetting the names of your relatives is one thing. Forgetting that your spouse has cancer is another. The former is likely an honest issue with remembering details. The latter is because your so-called friend could not be bothered to make a mental note of what is happening in your life. The former is slightly embarrassing but otherwise harmless. The latter can be toxic.