Everything You Must Know Before Marrying Moving In Or Moving On by Michele Lowrance l Relationship Advice l Love Advice

The Need to Be Accepted with Our Scars and Imperfections

Yes, we all have scars and imperfections that are often generated from past personal experiences. They may be based on a bad divorce, guilt about children from a former marriage, or perhaps dependency on one’s parents. We admit fragility when it becomes clear that we want to be protected from further pain after a bad breakup or divorce. Some of the topics that tend to reveal our flaws remind our partner that we are not totally fresh and innocent - and we so much want to look our best to the one we love. Yet honest communication is a must. Understanding and acceptance from our partner is the ultimate form of intimacy.

The Need to Feel Financially Secure

Fears about the scarcity of money can be based more on a state of mind than on reality. These fears may originate in early childhood or have been formed as a result of a bad divorce. Discussions might include each revealing what happened in your last relationship or divorce, or some previous financial difficulties, which makes you especially fearful of being without money.

The long-term value to the relationship is that discussing your emotional orientation toward money prevents a distorted perception about each other’s motives. Words such as cheap, selfish, and opportunistic can be eliminated. When your spouse acts irrationally (in your opinion) about finances, there doesn’t have to be a negative inference, nor do you have to take it personally.

The Need for Balance

This need is particularly complicated when creating an agreement where assets are uneven or family wealth is involved. If you’re planning a marriage and considering a pre-nup, the partner with fewer assets may be negotiating with not only a lover, but the parents, who may remain in the shadows, while really pulling the strings. And even without family influence, the existence of financial inequality can set up a conflict and a future power struggle if these issues are not discussed openly. The true balance is not an equality of dollars, but an equality of respect. And an honest discussion can keep money from being a battleground in the search for relationship balance.

The Need for Appreciation

Very often, the partner who has fewer assets has not been a witness to the work and struggles of the partner-to-be. The partner-to-be with the greater assets, who is now in a position to share that wealth with someone he or she loves, is unsure that he or she wants to share those assets in the event he or she is not with that person.

The long-term value to the relationship or marriage of discussing these issues early on is that the one who has earned the money is relieved to know her or his partner appreciates her or his efforts, rather than taking them for granted. And, the one who has fewer assets can believe that she or he is valued in a different and more important way than mere financial assets.