Dealing with Relationship Stress

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How do you define your relationship? Do thoughts of love, bliss, and wonder flood the mind and emotions? That is all well and good. But how are those little annoyances, and the daily grind of getting along with the other person? Let’s say the word “stress,” may I? Yes, stress is a killer of the love and the bliss previously mentioned. After the happy phase is over, we deal with real life issues. Dealing with conflict is hard enough, but in a relationship it can beat you into the ground. Let’s pretend there is stress in your relationship, and here is what you can do to deal with this before it becomes an issue. We will focus on what we can control, not what is out of our hands, like controlling another person. We will forgive and learn to show compassion. “Courage means to keep working on a relationship, to continue seeking solutions to difficult problems, and to stay focused during stressful periods,” American motivational speaker Denis Waitley said. It takes boldness to make changes. Are you ready?

Is There a Problem?

One way to deal with relationship stress is to acknowledge that it exists. Pushing little disagreements away can lead to bigger problems. This can create a bigger mess in the future. If there is an argument, walk away and discuss it with a relaxed mind, and a calmer outlook. Solid communication skills are something we all should learn before going into a relationship. Not knowing how to communicate will cause added stress, since everyone deals with conflict differently. For example read this metaphor: “Skills enable basketball players to become a winning team. Insufficient skills increase stress on the team because the players then trip each other up, anger each other by not passing appropriately or shooting effectively, and can't accomplish the job of scoring points and winning,” Susan Heitler Ph.D. wrote in Psychology Today. So, work on your communication skills and talk.

Toxic Talk

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Toxic conversations lead to stress. Watch the words you speak to your mate, and the criticism you wage, Dr. Brenda Wade said on the Dr. Oz Show. “If you are getting excessive criticism, or giving it, or if the tone of voice and words you use with each other convey ‘You're not OK’ instead of acceptance, discuss what lies behind these negative messages. Discuss also who in each of your families of origin may have modeled derogatory behavior toward their spouse. Awareness leads to change.” Be aware of actions, and take inventory on how you behave. Constant criticism of the relationship and your spouse will lead to destruction. Sometimes the damage can be irreversible. Make it a habit to practice holding your tongue in order to stop unhealthy patterns. Once we see a bad pattern, we can do something about it.

Work as a Team

Stop making assumptions and assume that everything will fall apart, especially when things that we have no control over happen to us. Remember everything influences a relationship, so being negative does nothing. This can be a sick child, loss of work, or a family emergency. Discuss possible solutions, and this will decrease stress in the relationship, Advanced Life Skills shared. “Instead of focusing on the negative possibilities, sit down with your mate and discuss possible solutions. If you work together in a creative way you may be able to turn this challenge into an opportunity. Don’t let stress get the upper hand--this is the time to let your partnership shine.” Minimize the damage that could be done by thinking outside of the problem for solutions, and not creating more problems. Again, look at what you can control, and let go of what you can’t. Coming to this place will take the burden off the relationship.

Being Different

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Women and men both react differently to relationship stress and problems. The reason is we’re chemically different. Women feel more emotional and go into a protection mode. This can be withdrawing or escaping from the problem. Men go into a warrior mode to conquer the issue. When conflict comes, there are people with two different approaches. Show compassion, author and motivational speaker Tony Robins shared. “When your partner is undergoing stress, he or she may become aloof or agitated and may withdraw emotionally or even physically. This can leave you feeling lonely and vulnerable. But rather than giving into these emotions and adding to the negative tension within the relationship, take a step back and show some compassion — not just for your partner, but for yourself.” Putting on empathy will go a long way during times of stress and change. If not, the time is now to do so.

Forgive

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Admit that you are not perfect. Sorry, if you’re so prideful that you can’t apologize, or ever admit that you’re wrong—watch out. Being the bigger person makes a difference when there is conflict and nobody wants to back down. What is left, more stress and turmoil? Yes, unforgiveness creates even more negativity. “Couples who do practice forgiveness show more behavioral regulation and have more positive motivation toward their partner. In other words, they drop the case rather than holding a grudge or harboring resentment. Instead, they put their effort into maintaining a positive relationship, in which they are less hostile or punishing,” Psychology Today reported. This doesn’t mean you need to be stepped on. There is a difference. The article continued and pointed out that it is fine to have different opinions. “It’s important to accept that we all have separate minds and points of view. Each of us is hurt, defended, flawed, and will inevitably make mistakes. Having this perspective doesn’t mean we should sit back and withstand abuse.” Break the cycle now and forgive yourself and others.

Better Habits

We need to understand that stress is toxic to all of us. When we are stressed, it tightens up our physical body, and erodes our emotions. Chronic stress can lead to heart attacks, depression, and put both of you at risk for other ailments. It is simply not worth it. If both of you acknowledge this, you can prepare to combat stress better overall. Again, it goes back to communication and creating healthy habits, Dr. Wade said. “We all learn our communication patterns in childhood – no, we're not blaming your parents! Think of it this way, it's like learning to tie your shoes; once you've learned it, it becomes a habit and you don’t have to think about it. Just like brushing your teeth and driving your car, we have relationship patterns that have become habits. Some of those habits are good and some really just don't work. We're all doing the best we can based on what we've learned so far.”