The Guide to Dating in the Digital Era

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Just about everyone wants to find love. Men and women alike have a vision of what they want their wedding to look like, and almost everyone has wondered at some point if the person they are dating is the one. Unfortunately, most people do not find their soulmate on the first try. This means that most people get thrown headfirst back into singlehood and have to start from square one in their search for love.

No matter how much as person wants to find love, starting that search can be intimidating. How do you know that the handsome man that invited you out for drinks is not some serial killer? How can you be sure that the beautiful woman you met is not out to rob you, or worse, secretly already married? Given the pervasive hookup mindset of today, how can you tell if the person you are interested in is looking for a relationship or some casual sex?

From dating apps to vernacular like “Netflix and chill,” the modern dating scene seems tailor made to keep people uncertain and confused. Still, love will not simply drop into your lap one day. If you want to find the one, you have to go looking for them. That said, you need to know how to search for love in today’s internet age. Whether you are returning to the dating scene after the end of a long relationship or just beginning your search for love, here is what you need to know about dating in the digital era.

Ditch the Dating Apps

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Dating apps have become a staple for today’s singles. Unfortunately, those dating apps actually contribute to the difficulty finding a real relationship. Dating apps make users feel like there are seemingly limitless options. This leaves people only half invested in their current date because there is the subconscious sense that there are hundreds more choices. There is no real incentive to get to know the person you are meeting if you know there are a dozen equally interesting candidates out there.

Dating apps and online dating also offer endless opportunities for users to create a false life or portray themselves in a way that is not true. The man who is “a free spirited freelancer” may simply be unable to hold down a job. The woman who is gorgeous and “loves being outdoors” may actually be an overweight couch potato.

Online dating and dating apps essentially turn every date into a blind date. This allows con men, creeps and predators to meet up with potential victims easily and anonymously since it is painfully easy to create profiles under fake names.

Instead of risking your wallet, heart or life with online dating and dating apps, meet people the old fashioned way. Interact with single members of your church. Get to know your neighbors and friends of your coworkers. If you truly feel like you have no way to meet singles in your life, join an organization or volunteer group. This will allow for an influx of new people into your life, many of whom may be single or have single friends.

Paws Off the Phone

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No doubt you have seen it before: a “romantic” dinner where one or both parties spend the entire evening staring at their phones. Either the two who are supposedly on a date spend the night ignoring each other in favor of scrolling through Instagram or SnapChat, or one person leaves feeling hurt and angry after their date ignored them all night. Do not be that person. There are few faster ways to kill a budding relationship than by ignoring your date, and yes, “checking something real quick” does count as ignoring your date.

When you are on a date, every time you reach for your phone when you are with a date is a slap in your date’s face that tells your date “you are not worthy of my complete attention,” and “I have better things to focus on than you.” No self-respecting man or woman is going to stand for that from someone that claims to be romantically interested in them.

Keep your paws off the phone during a date. You supposedly find the person you are dating interesting enough to hold your attention. Trust that they will keep you occupied throughout a date. Do not use the inevitable lulls in conversation as an excuse to pull out your phone either. Instead, find something else to talk about rather than letting the conversation die entirely.

How you keep your hands away from your phone is up to you. Put it in your jacket pocket and leave your coat on your chair so you have to physically turn around to reach it. Make it a game and have both you and your date put your phones in the middle of the table; the first person to reach for their phone has to pick up the tab. Put your phone in the pouch with your tampons. Lock it in the glovebox of your car. Stuff the phone down your sock if you have to. Just keep your paws off it during your date.

To Post or Not to Post

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Whether you think SnapChat is the most brilliant invention since sliced bread or feel that Facebook has ruined the ability of humanity to communicate, social media is a fact of life. It has permeated many aspects of people’s lives, and most people enjoy using it at least casually. Pictures, posts, statuses, videos; you or someone you know probably posts to or reads social media several times a day. That said, you cannot assume that your date has the same level of comfort with social media as you. Before you wax poetic about your date on Facebook, find out what your date is comfortable sharing. Will it bother them if you post pictures of your date together on Instagram? Do they want to have their face plastered all over your Facebook page? What about a tweet saying what a wonderful time you had at dinner? It may seem innocent, but not everyone is comfortable having the details of their life put out on the internet for the world to peruse. Avoid checking the little box that says “in a relationship” before you talk with your date. Similarly, do not reveal the intimate details of where you went and what you two did together without checking first. Some people are not comfortable sharing how much money they spent on a date, and the name of a restaurant tends to imply its price range. Also, do not start posting pictures of the two of you together to Facebook until you understand how comfortable they are with sharing. This is especially important if your date involved dancing, swimming or a similar activity that meant your date was wearing more revealing or less clothing than normal. Just because your date is comfortable wearing a speedo or bikini around you does not mean they want the world to know what they look like when they are not wearing any clothing.

Remember the Man Behind the Curtain

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Between dating apps, social media and friend’s comments, it is easy to form a specific mental image of a person before you ever meet them. The problem is that this imaginary person you have built up in your head is very rarely an accurate representation of the actual person you are planning to meet for a date. While there is not necessarily any harm in scrolling through a person’s Facebook page before a date as a way to find topics of conversation to discuss on the date, be sure to remember that what you are seeing online is just a carefully crafted front. The person you are dating is the man behind the curtain, not the impressive digital smokescreen.

While most people do not craft a more interesting or impressive image of themselves on social media out of malicious intent, that does not make their online persona any more real. Social media allows people to spin the events in their life just like journalist gives the facts of a news report their own personal slant. A journalist plays up some elements of a story either to promote an agenda or to make the report more interesting to viewers. A social media post does much the same thing. Few people want to read about a person who complains that their boss was mad at them for being late to work. A lunatic supervisor is much more interesting. Similarly, flattering “candid” pictures on social media are often carefully posed and crafted. Most people do not outright lie on their social media accounts, but keep in mind that the person you are meeting is not their Instagram feed. Save your judgements and conclusions for after you have an actual conversation with the person, not merely a message exchange that lets them carefully craft their responses to be funny or mysterious.

Let’s Play a Game

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How many times have you or a friend been told to “wait three days before you text back” or to “never double text?” The odds are that you or someone you know has played these little games with a date or potential date. Mind games, however, have no place in a healthy relationship. Do not spend half your time trying to play it cool. If you are interested in the person, show that you are interested.

Do not start playing games, and do not let yourself get drawn into someone else’s games. If you want to spend time with a person, try and make plans rather than sitting by the phone hoping that they “cave” and reach out first. If they cannot seem to stop making you chase them down to make plans, accept that you are not a priority for them and move on. Life is too short to waste playing games.

Instead of playing the “who can be more disinterested” game, be straightforward about what you want. Stop couching dates in terms of “hanging out” and “chilling together.” Ask the person you are interested in out on a date. This will save both of you pain and confusion later. If you are “hanging out,” one person may think you two are dating while the other thinks you are just friends. This can lead to hurt feelings later or both of you dancing around each other for weeks as you try to decide if the other person is actually romantically interested in you.

“That’s fine” vs. “thts fin” vs. “That’s fine!”

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Face to face communication has never been so far from being the main form of communication between humans. Today, you probably communicate largely through texts, emails and social media messages. The lack of a human face or even a human voice in these forms of communication means that even the simplest of messages becomes an intricate riddle. What was a quick response confirming that seven o’clock works fine for dinner can be misunderstood as a disinterest in the date. “That’s fine” is a response that is handled as gingerly as a ticking bomb, and “k” leaves some people screaming at their phone in exasperation.

Reading tone into a series of letters on a screen is a quick way to lead to unpleasant misunderstandings. Avoid taking anything said via text, email or messaging apps personally. You might find “I don’t care” to be aggressively disinterested, dismissive or a sign of playing hard to get when in reality your date was just saying they had no preference on whether you two watch “Alien” or “Signs.” Either assume the most innocent explanation or pick up the phone and call your date. Do not spend the rest of the day assuming they are mad at you when they may actually be looking forward to your date.