6 Tips for Dating Someone With Kids

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Despite the dozens of social media platforms, smartphone dating apps and endless array of websites that claim they will help you find “the one,” dating still is not easy. You meet up with that online match only to find out they lied about their age, appearance, salary and, oh by the way, they are still married. When you do finally sort out the eerily young “matches” creepily old perverts, people just looking for easy sex and potential stalkers, that online dating pool is a lot smaller. Then, you meet someone perfect at the grocery store of all places. You would be happy to throw out your eHarmony and Tinder profile, but there is just one problem with this otherwise perfect mate. They have kids.

Dating someone who has children is not for the faint of heart. All those “rules” of dating go completely out the window when there is already a child in the picture. That does not mean, however, that you have to resign yourself to pining over that brilliant single-mother or talented single-father from afar. You can still date a parent as long as you make sure your expectations are realistic. Here are six tips for dating someone with kids.

The Kids Come First

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The first thing to remember when it comes to dating a parent is simple: you will never be their first priority. If they only have one child, you might one day hold the second most important place in their heart. If she is the mother of two, you are fighting for third place on her priority list. If your dream man has three kids, you are off the medal stand.

It is easy to say “I get that the kids come first.” It is another thing to actually accept that you are not the priority. Living in second place, at best, is not going to be some sort of vague, distant intangible. Your date is going to cancel plans on you suddenly because their daughter is sick. They are going to refuse to stay out past a certain time because they need to read their son a goodnight story. What you want is going to have to come second. That is not a situation everyone can stomach. If you need to be the priority in your significant other’s life, that is fine. Just do not date a parent.

Be Flexible But Reliable

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When you are dating someone who has kids, you have to be flexible. If their daughter’s basketball team made the state finals, you can kiss your romantic couple’s weekend goodbye. When their son asks to sleep over at a friend’s house, they might suddenly have an evening free. You have to be flexible and cannot get too emotionally attached to any single set of date plans. You cannot be hurt or offended when a parent calls to say they will not be able to make dinner. Remember, the kids come first.

That said, you need to be reliable. If the parent has to cancel, that is fine, but that does not mean you can start canceling plans left and right. When a single parent agrees to a date, they have to find child care and often rearrange their entire week. If you cancel plans, the single parent you are dating has gone through an incredible amount of trouble for nothing. Back out too often and the already stressed single parent is going to decide you are more hassle than you are worth.

Expect to Take It Slow

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When you date someone with kids, you are likely entering a relationship with someone who has had at least one serious relationship fall apart. The single parent will probably be wary of entering a new relationship, especially if their last breakup, divorce or separation was contentious. Do not expect your date to want to jump right into a serious relationship.

In addition to any emotional baggage they might have themselves, a single parent will also be reluctant to bring you into their kid’s life too early. It can be very confusing, and even harmful, for a child to be exposed to a constant revolving door of mommy or daddy’s “friends.” Even worse in the parent’s eyes would be if their child gets attached to you, but the relationship does not work out. Remember, the child comes first, and the child may well have already seen one family fall apart. No parent wants to give their child false hope only to crush it later.

Get Along With the Kids

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If you do not get along with the single parent’s children, you can kiss a relationship goodbye. No parent is going to want to enter a romantic relationship with someone who does not like their children who, remember, are the most important things in the parent’s life.

Despite how important it is for you to like a parent’s children, do not be surprised if you do not meet the little ones for several months. A single parent is going to want to gauge where the relationship might go before introducing a new person into their child’s life.

Even if you and the parent hit it off and you do like the children when you finally meet them, they might not like you. It could be some initial jealousy on the children’s part, but their personalities just might not mesh well with yours. If that happens, be prepared to say goodbye to the parent. The children will always win out.

Their Ex is Still Around

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When you are dating someone who has kids, the odds are good that their ex is still in their lives. After all, there was another person involved in creating the children. While sometimes the parent’s ex may have just walked out the door and disappeared, that is unlikely to be the case. It is more probable that the single parent still has to drop their daughter off for “weekends at her dad’s” or make sure that their son has everything he needs for Thanksgiving with his mom.

The odds are good you will meet the ex at some point, and you might hear a lot about him or her. If your date wants to rant and rave, let them, but refrain from piling your own hate on their ex. There is a complicated history between a single parent and their ex. Giving your opinion of the ex is rather like marching through a minefield blindfolded. One wrong move, and the relationship is over.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the single parent may be perfectly content to pretend that their child just appeared in the crib one day without another person being involved in the child’s creation. If that is the case, take the hint, and refrain from asking about the ex. There is probably a reason the single parent does not want to talk about their ex. Respect their wishes in the matter.

Set Your Boundaries

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Given how flexible and patient you will need to be while dating a single parent, it is easy to let their life consume your own. This, however, is not a healthy response to any relationship. Make your own plans that do not involve the single parent, and stick to them. Even if the single parent suddenly has a night free, resist the urge to cancel your movie night with your friends. You need to have your own life outside of your relationship with a single parent.

You also need to set boundaries with the single parent’s child. This has to be done carefully because, remember, you are not the child’s parent. That said, you cannot let the child walk all over you. Set some basic ground rules for respect and insist that the child obey them. When the child is being disrespectful, resist the urge to ask if the child would treat their mother or father like that. That question is opening the door to tantrums about how “you’re not my mom!” Instead, tell the child to afford you the same respect they would show a teacher or similar authority figure.