6 Dating Pitfalls After Divorce l Relationships after Divorce

Researchers have found that the rate of divorce in the U.S. reached 40 percent during the 1980s and has been declining. The National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) gathers information on family life, marriage and divorce and found 68 percent of marriages will make it a decade. The rates plummeted to 52 percent for women and 56 percent for men in making a marriage last more than 20 years. Although many marriages will fail, there are people who will get back into the game again. Some feel trepidation and others are ready to soar back into the untold dating world with gusto. Putting yourself back on the market is scary because of the unknown variables. Getting our love lives back on track is no easy feat. No secret there. As humans, we crave to be connected even if the quality of people is poor. But it is a risk we need to take to find love again. Dating after a divorce can be tricky for sure, but here are 6 indispensable tips to sidestep any problems that come along on your new adventure towards love.

Slow Down

After years of being in a relationship, putting yourself back in the singles market could make you a little overzealous. Being fast and furious will lead to burnout and people are not always ready to move fast in a relationship. If you feel like your emotions are still raw after the divorce, and you're going into the dating scene full-throttle, back off the breaks a bit. Don’t be concerned about the timing or the pace of things, just decompress about it more. The key is to slowly blend your lives, wrote divorce coach Debbie Martinez. "It isn’t about him plopping into your world or you into his; it’s about blending them together. If you choose to see this as a daunting task, it will be, and if you choose to see this as a fun experience, it will be."

Make Sure You're Healed

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The pain of divorce can be long-lasting and can devastate your confidence and the ability to love again. You need to allow yourself to heal and mourn. In the early stages, you will feel lonely and apprehensive regarding the future. Make a mental list or compile a physical list of the cons of the relationship to help the process and to help you realize that you have the liberty to move on. When you start embracing the future and become comfortable being alone, then you can start dating. Finding yourself again after a breakup is astounding and the second you realize you are a whole person on your own can be life-changing. Recharge your batteries by getting back into hobbies that you love and invest in yourself before making the plunge into dating.

Stop Talking About Them

Talking about your ex all the time will put a hindrance on your dating life. Yes, your ex-spouse might be in your life because of the kids, but OMG, no one wants to hear about them all night. Move on without them and leave the relationship behind for good. And stop being a mother for a hot second. "We all have children, but let’s not make the entire night about our kids, their accomplishments, and what they ate for breakfast," Martinez added. The past is not your future. Set up a goal for the date that you will not dwell on your ex. There will be a time for this and think of it this way, you wouldn't want to hear about their ex all the time either. Remember, honesty is only refreshing to a point, otherwise zip it.

Be Honest With the Kids

If you have children talk to them about how they feel about you dating and be reasonable. Let them know that you’re going on dates and that nothing has changed in your relationship with them. Make sure that you're sensitive to their feelings and to their needs. You can tell them you're seeing a friend if the children are toddlers. "With pre-teens and young teens you can broach the topic of dating after the divorce. It's OK to actually use the word date," Divorce Help for Parents suggested. With older kids, they might be upset because there could be a hidden hope that you and your spouse will be remarried and they might feel betrayed. Be sure to encourage your child that a new partner doesn't mean there isn't enough love to go around and if needed, talk to a family therapist for further guidance.

Stop Comparisons

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It may seem like a natural thing to do, but don't compare your new gal or guy to your former spouse. Remain in the present and catch those thoughts when they wonder in that dreaded direction. When it happens, replace the thoughts with an image of nature or something to distract you. "Notice when you're doing it, and acknowledge to yourself what's going on," said divorce lawyer and author Erik Newton. "If you're stuck in comparison mode, you can't appreciate your date for who they really are." Comparisons can also become a tool of self-sabotage in the relationship, so make sure you master the temptation of falling into this trap. If both of you are doing this, it can lead to a dead end for both parties. In this case, no one here is ready to have a relationship.

Be Gentle With Yourself

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Be easy on yourself because dating can be scary. You need to view dating as a journey because you will meet good people and you will meet creeps. Moving out of your comfort zone is never easy and dating will certainly take you from what is considered normal in your life. Be prepared when you start dating by reading about people to avoid, red flags and more dangerous signs to evade in the dating world. This will help ease your fears as you're more aware of what you could be facing. If fear is becoming an albatross around your neck, you need to get to the origins of it. Be honest about this because you might not be ready to date. Slowly your self-esteem will improve as you overcome fears and the more you face them, the more you will flourish.