A good friend called me and shared he was in a tough situation with his girlfriend. Although he is a good and caring person, he was not able to create and enjoy harmony, intimacy, fulfillment and true communication with his partner – even though he really wanted to. Men and women have different ways to communicate. Even with good intentions, the end results can be lacking or turn into a painful argument.
He did not know his partners love languages and most importantly their ranking. A persons love language and their ranking determines their fulfillment, satisfaction and feeling loved. He also did not know his own.
People have different styles of communicating and letting each other know that we care. The 5 Love Languages is a wonderful book by Gary Chapman.
During the early days of our relationship, this book and information helped my wife and I develop a successful and loving way to communicate. We could transcend life’s challenges. We were able to listen to each other in a caring way and share our feelings without hurting or attacking the other person. We developed new strategies to communicate the difficult feelings and share them in a way that works. We continue to do this on a regular basis.
Have you noticed that during the first two years of relationship you and your partner create the basic patterns that determine how you communicate and ultimately the success or failure of your relationship? Do you see that the way in which you navigate “the bumps” or the challenges determines if you remain together long term and your ability to create intimacy, trust, unconditional love and true communication?
We each have a predominant love language. Which is yours? Which is your partners? What about your parents and children? You may respond to each of the 5 languages, but every person has a definite ranking. You need to know both yours and your partners so that you can feel truly and deeply loved and cared for.
You see, you may want to share your love, but not effectively reach the person you care about because you are not using their top strategy that makes them feel loved. Even if you touch them, if their top love language and strategy is not satisfied, they will not feel totally loved. This explains why you meant well, said or did nice things, but the end result was not what you hoped for.
Here are the 5 Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation: Words matter. This person treasures hearing, “I love you.” Honest compliments and praise mean a great deal, and insults or harsh words are taken to heart.
Quality Time: This person wants your undivided attention. The gift of your time is worth more than any material present you could give.
Receiving Gifts: From trinkets and flowers to diamond rings and season tickets, this person feels loved when you present them with a token of your affection.
Physical Touch: A gentle hand on the shoulder, a peck on the cheek, a warm embrace or simply sitting beside this person makes them feel loved.
Acts of Service: Doing household chores or helping out in the home office is, to this person, the equivalent of saying, “I adore you.” Discover your love language, your partners and the members of your family. Share them and talk with each other about how you each feel and what you each want in your relationship together. Be specific and make sure you determine the true ranking and preference order.
Most importantly, stay present in the moment. Pay attention and observe. Be sincerely interested. This allows you to truly acknowledge each other and create harmony, unconditional love and intimacy.
Read more from Lee Papier on his blog "Have a Magnificient Day!" on Beliefnet.