You've Cheated: Here's What You Need to Do Now

So, you've made the biggest mistake of your life: you cheated on your spouse. Now your marriage is in shambles, you’re wracked with guilt, and you feel like your life is coming apart.

What do you do?

First, realize that although infidelity is often the end, it doesn’t have to be. If both partners are willing to remain together, the relationship can be saved.

Second, know that making amends is going to be one of the most difficult processes of your life. There are no shortcuts or easy fixes for this.

Still with us? Good.

To work through this, you’re going to have to give up the excuses—there are no good reasons for infidelity. You’re going to have to be strong enough to admit your wrongs. You’re going to have to listen as your spouse tells you exactly how your affair made him or her feel, and if you have a heart, this is going to hurt it like nothing you’ve ever felt.

But if both you and your partner still feel like you’ve found “the one” in one another, this can be the beginning of a process which can result in a beautifully renewed marriage.

Let’s get you started on that process. If you’ve cheated, here’s what you need to do now.

Make Your Choice

Shutterstock.com

If you’ve been unfaithful, you need to make an important decision right now.

Ask yourself this question: are you really ready to come clean and re-commit yourself to marriage?

Think about this. Not every marriage can be saved. Sometimes, the damage done is simply too great. Other times, one or both partners aren’t committed to continuing the marriage.

Look deeply within yourself. Are you ready to re-commit? Are you prepared to make the necessary changes which will ensure you’ll never cheat again? Are you capable of monogamy?

Be honest with yourself. If you can’t see yourself remaining faithful in the future, move on. Don’t put your spouse in danger of going through the pain of betrayal all again.

But if you think that you can be faithful and committed, and that you can take the time to work out those problems within yourself, and within your marriage, which contributed to your infidelity, make the decision to stay.

Either way, firmly make your choice: come clean and commit, or move on. Don’t leave your spouse with the pain of uncertainty.

Accept Responsibility

Shutterstock.com

If you’ve made the choice to stay and work on your marriage, and your spouse wants to do the same, your first step is to accept responsibility for what you’ve done. This comes in two parts.

First, to take responsibility, you need to make sure that you aren’t playing the victim. Don’t blame your spouse. Don’t blame the person you had your affair with. Don’t blame your environment, your hormones, or alcohol.

This one’s all on you. Even if you were desperately unhappy, you could have simply ended the marriage—you always had a choice.

But there’s another part of accepting responsibility that’s even harder. You must be willing to hear and shoulder your spouse’s anger and pain for as long as it takes. Your spouse may be enraged, weepy, and everything in between, but it’s your responsibility to be there when your spouse needs you, and to give them space when they don’t.

Accepting responsibility is the first step you need to take after cheating. Let’s take a look at what you need to do next if you want to save your marriage.

Open Up

shutterstock.com

Once you’ve accepted responsibility, the next step is to simply be open to your spouse.

This means, most of all, being honest. Your spouse is going to have a million questions about who, why, where, when, and more. Don’t shut down when this happens, and above all, don’t lie—this is your chance to come clean.

It’s difficult to open up about something you feel shame about—that’s natural. But remember that your spouse’s trust is at an all-time low right now. If you’re evasive or dishonest, they’re gone.

This means that you’re going to have to answer some uncomfortable questions. Answer them, and don't be afraid to show your humanity. Allow your sincere love, remorse, and concern to show. Be emotionally vulnerable—this is what your partner will be looking for.

They want to know you still care, so show them by being open.

This can feel almost impossible, but there’s one, all-important key to being able to get past the shame and guilt so that you can be vulnerable: forgiving yourself. While still holding yourself rightfully accountable for your actions, release your feelings of self-loathing. After all, your spouse is giving you a chance, right?

But if you’re having some serious trouble taking your focus off yourself and putting it onto your spouse, you might need a little help, as we’re about to see.

Seek Counseling

At some point, your spouse has probably asked why you cheated, and if you’re like many, you probably can’t quite articulate a satisfying answer. The affair “just happened.”

But when we’re honest with ourselves, we know that nothing happens without a reason. And a counselor is just the person to delve into your psyche and pull that reason out.

Some of the main reasons spouses cheat include low self-esteem, a lack of emotional intimacy, depression, and as a coping mechanism for personal problems, but these issues are often hidden, even to the one who had the affair.

This is why it is vital for both spouses to find a counselor and work these issues out with professional help. A mental health professional is trained to guide you through emotional emergencies, and can detect unhealthy patterns that may have led up to the affair.

With the help of a counselor, you can stop these unhealthy patterns and make sure that infidelity never happens again, so don’t skip this important step toward post-cheating recovery.

Be Patient

Shutterstock.com

One of the most important steps you can take after having an affair is to be patient with your spouse. As we’ve said, they’ll need a lot of time to get over such a painful betrayal.

Never, ever tell your spouse to “get over it.” This is the number one mistake you can make while trying to repair your relationship after an affair. Your spouse is going to have a lot to say, and they’re going to be saying it for a long time.

You must have patience with this.

It can be tempting to shut your spouse out, or to get angry at the accusations and questions, but if you want your marriage to become strong again, you have to weather this.

Remember—this isn’t about you. It’s about your spouse. It’s about your spouse’s pain and heartbreak. You’re here to do whatever it takes to help him or her heal.

So save your own complaints for the counselor. Right now, your spouse needs only your patience and love.

Accept That Things Will Change

Shutterstock.com

An affair will change your relationship forever. You will, quite literally, never have the marriage you once did.

But that’s okay, because now is the time to build a new marriage—one built upon the knowledge you’ve gained from your mistake.

Chances are, if you’ve followed these steps, you’ve learned a lot about yourself. That’s a rare gift. You now know what tempts you, what leaves you emotionally unsatisfied, and what triggers you to run away when you should deal with a particularly thorny issue.

Use this knowledge to make your renewed marriage the best it can be. In this, you’ll not only be able to accept the fact that things will be different from now on, but you’ll know it’s for the better.

Your relationship can survive infidelity, and even thrive afterward because of what you’ve learned. When you think of it this way, change doesn’t sound so bad, does it?