8 Tips to Catch a Cheater

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It’s like something out of a soap opera. He’s been acting suspicious for weeks and keeps brushing you off when you ask if he’s okay. She’s quick to get out of the house in the morning and unwilling to talk about her day anymore. You know in your gut that your partner is cheating on you, but you don’t have proof. All the warning signs are there. She leaves the room every time she talks on the phone, or he’s changed all his passwords for no apparent reason. Your joint bills are no longer itemized, and intimacy is a thing of the past. She’s always working late, or he’s getting a lot of “calls from work” after business hours. You don’t believe for a minute that she is really just “hanging out with her girl friends” this often. You know he’s cheating, but he’s been careful to cover his tracks. So how do you catch your cheating partner?

Before you do anything, be sure you know how far you are willing to go, and what you are willing to risk. Catching a cheating partner may give you a fleeting sense of vindication, but false accusations can ruin a relationship. Be sure you have good reasons to believe that your partner is cheating before you start digging, or you might as well be digging your relationship’s grave.

Talk With Your Partner

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There may well be an innocent explanation to everything. Maybe he stopped itemizing those bills so you wouldn’t see the twelve-day cruise he bought as a tenth wedding anniversary surprise. Maybe she’s leaving the room because she doesn’t want you to hear her fighting with her sister. There could be something seriously wrong with your relationship, or you could be jumping at shadows.

Regardless of how strong your suspicions are, be sure not to act accusatory. Before you raise the specter of cheating, ask her how she feels about the relationship. Is she getting what she wants out of it? Is he happy with where your relationship is going? The answers to such open ended questions may set your mind at ease or explain your partner’s behavior. If he feels you’ve grown emotionally distant, that might explain why he’s not talking to you about his day anymore. He doesn’t think you’ll care.

If she gives you throw away answers you can follow up with more pointed questions. Explain that you have noticed that he is acting strangely, and you are concerned. A sympathetic ear may be all she needs to open up about how her niece was caught drinking underage or how he’s concerned that one of his friends is in an abusive relationship. Your worries are eased without you ever mentioning the word “cheating.”

Keep a List

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If an honest conversation doesn’t address your concerns, it may be time for some sleuthing. Once again, be sure that you have serious grounds for your suspicions. If he’s being faithful but finds you snooping around, he may be the one calling off the relationship on the grounds of broken trust.

If you still feel your fears are warranted, start keeping track of anything and everything suspicious. Write down when he got those late night “work calls” and keep track of the mileage on the car. If she’s driving to the next town over to see her illicit lover, you’ll see the mileage jump. Also write down lies that you know your partner is telling. Make a note if he says he’s late because the traffic was awful on the evening commute, but you hear on the radio that all roads were clear. Human memories are faulty, especially when emotions are involved. A list of suspicious behaviors and probable lies can reveal patterns that may confirm your fears.

Check Their Story

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If you’ve found that she always gets home late on Friday nights or that he gets a lot of late night “work calls” right before an urgent business trip, you may want to confirm your partner’s story. If he claims his flight was canceled, check the flight information online. If the flight leaves on time you can confront him when he gets home. If she swears her phone died when she was out with friends, but you see she liked her brother’s pictures on Facebook, she has some explaining to do.

You can also confirm a story in an everyday conversation. If he swears he and the boys went out for burgers last night but you think he’s lying, ask him how he liked the pizza. If he says the Pepperoni Supreme was as good as always, you know he wasn’t where he said he was. Catch her in such lies more than once, and she’s going to have trouble explaining it away.

Alter Your Routine

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A creature of habit is easy for a cheater to work around. If you’re always out of the house at 8:00 a.m. sharp and never get home until after 7:00 p.m., he can call the other woman before he leaves for work. If you get drinks with your brother like clockwork every Saturday night, she knows that she can have her secret boyfriend over every weekend. If you want to catch her cheating, change up your routine. Instead of going to the gym in the evening, start going in the morning before work. Invite your sister over to watch the game on Sunday instead of going to her house. When changes cause minimal inconvenience, a faithful partner is likely to let it go. A cheater is going to be frustrated.

You can also change plans suddenly. Make it a point to talk about going out of town for the weekend and cancel at the last minute. Tell him you’re going to have to stay late at the office and miraculously get done early. If she’s banking on you being gone, you might come home to the proof you needed.

Read Your Bills Carefully

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Checking your credit card statements should be second nature, but if she normally handles the bills it would be easy for her to hide something. Read through the statements to see if she’s suddenly buying dinner across town a lot or if he bought a nice pair of earrings last month that you’ve never seen. Simple increases in gas costs can say a lot.

You can also find evidence of a wandering partner in phone bills. Lots of calls to a number you don’t know, especially during his lunch hour or late at night, may signal a serious problem. If she doesn’t want you to read the credit card statement or he’s pushing for you two to change to non-itemized phone bills it may be time for a confrontation. A single trip across town or one odd charge is easily ignored. Lots of calls or charges that you don’t know about could be the “gotcha” moment.

Monitoring Your Partner

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Invading your partner’s privacy is not a line that should be crossed lightly. Even if you find that he’s been faithful, the relationship is unlikely to recover. If the situation is dire enough, there are minimally invasive ways to look into what she’s up to such as checking the recycling and trash cans. He might have thrown out a shirt that his mistress smeared lipstick on or she might have stuck the receipt for her hotel room in the recycling. These are less likely places to find evidence today, but if you are unafraid of the potential repercussions, you may find a wealth of information in his email’s recycle bin. Plans for a rendezvous, love notes and sexy pictures may all be hidden in that innocuous trash folder. The same is true of his message or call log if you scroll through his phone. Be aware though, if you’ve reached this stage of lost trust, it’s probably best to just call the relationship off. You two are unlikely to be able to save it.

Technological Spying

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There are a wealth of ways to spy on an unfaithful partner in this day and age, from following her after work to leaving a hidden camera in the house. Regardless of how you go about it, any form of spying is proof that the relationship is over. If you feel you need proof for personal closure, to avoid familial discord or due to joint finances, you have a variety of options available. A quick online search will uncover dozens of websites dedicated to catching cheaters, and there are a number of discrete monitoring softwares you can place on his computer.

Before you run out to the local spy store, be sure to read up on the laws in your area. Some forms of surveillance are illegal in certain areas. Also, decide if the vindication of knowing you were right is worth the extra time spent in a doomed relationship. If you are ready to spy on your partner, it’s probably better to just walk away.

Private Investigator

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It might cost you a pretty penny, but you may be better off hiring a professional. If you are concerned about a custody battle or have joint finances with your partner, evidence that will hold up in a court of law might be a good idea. Do some research and make sure to hire a private investigator who specializes in infidelity. They will be able to monitor your cheating spouse more accurately and discretely than you, and their evidence is likely to be better received by a jury should you end up in court. A PI also serves as a buffer between you and the other woman. Betrayal can make tempers run high, and a confrontation with her boyfriend has the potential to lead to violence. When the stakes are high, it’s probably best to leave it to someone who is trained to handle such matters.

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