5 Simple Steps to Healing After Divorce

Life is amazing! In my world today I have achieved good health, raised two daughters, both of whom are in college now, published a book, started a business with an ever-growing following, became engaged to an amazing, supportive man and the list of blessings continue on. If you had asked me back in 2006 if any of this was possible, I probably would have laughed through my tears.

Back then, I was a woman with leukemia and two young kids headed for divorce court. I didn’t know where we would be living, much less how we would support ourselves. I surely didn’t think I would ever find love again. Things looked pretty bleak. I hope to leave you with the belief that you can overcome any obstacle and achieve anything you put your mind to. The life we create has everything to do with where we put our focus. Changing our thoughts can work wonders in changing our reality. I’m living proof.

I know the feeling of hopelessness all too well. I’ve walked this path and I want you to know that if you find yourself heading for a break up or a divorce, there can be happiness on the other side. Obviously marriages need work and compromise to survive, but there are circumstances when divorce is really for the best. This doesn’t make it any easier to go through. Here are five simple things to keep in mind as you navigate the rough seas of the aftermath of divorce.

Gratitude

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Begin and end each day with a sense of gratitude and appreciation for all of the things in your life that are working. When you’re going through a major life change such as divorce, this simple practice becomes even more important. In life, what we put our focus and attention on tends to grow. As you train your focus towards the things in life that give you joy, your blessings, you begin to shift the focus of your life. I suggest getting an attractive journal and keep it by your bedside. Before you rise in the morning, just grab your journal and jot down five things that you are thankful for today. Before you go to bed at night, do the same. You can be as short and sweet as a simple list or if you feel creative you can write a paragraph or more. The important thing is to really feel that sense of appreciation. Breathe it in deeply and let it out with a satisfying “ah.”

Grief

After a divorce you naturally go through a period of grieving. We grieve for the loss of our marriage, for the dreams of our future together, for our sense of security and so on. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are all things you will feel. What helped me as I began to heal was remembering that emotions are temporary. They come and go naturally with time. It is only those that we hook into and hold onto that stay with us. So, as you process your feelings, remind yourself that feeling anger isn’t wrong or bad - it’s natural. Allow yourself to feel it and then find a healthy non-harmful way to release it. I have a nifty little doll called the “Dammit Doll.” When I am feeling anger or frustration, that little doll gets a thrashing. I release the anger in a way that doesn’t harm me or anyone else and then I am able to continue on with my day. It’s not a bad idea to find a good counselor or trusted friend to work through some things with as well. If you linger in anger or depression for too long, it can be detrimental to your health.

Take This Experience as a Learning and Growth Opportunity

It’s so easy to point the finger of blame when a relationship ends. Blame keeps you in a negative feeling place and makes you a victim. As quickly as you can, try to shift from blame to the realization that there are two sides to every situation. It takes two people to enter into a relationship and each person had something to do with its demise. Let go of the need to be right in this situation and use your experience as a tool for your own growth. Many times people don’t take the time after a break up to really evaluate their part in the breakup. They never really change or grow themselves from the relationship and so, if they meet someone else down the road, they repeat very similar experiences. They never really changed the energy around the situation and therefore attracted similar energy again. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this to make me a better, more open human being?”