8 Types of Kindness that Improve Any Relationship

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Everyone wants to know the secret to a good relationship. We read about love languages, psychology, and even dabble in horoscopes and astrology in order to strengthen our bonds with that special someone.

The true key to a great relationship, though, is much simpler.

It’s kindness.

Kindness is the glue that holds together not only humanity, but romantic relationships, as well. In a study by psychologist John Gottman, thousands of couples were videotaped, their interactions analyzed and put down as quantifiable data. One of the most tangible findings was that the happier couples had a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative—even in relationships that included distant or argumentative members.

When kindness outweighs negativity, happiness results. This is true in any kind of relationship—that with bosses, coworkers, friends, family, and strangers. But it is especially true in romantic relationships, where people expect to feel safe, and often allow themselves to be emotional vulnerable.

So to help you take you truly take care of your loved one, let’s take a look at 8 types of kindness that will improve any relationship.

Pay Attention

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One of the most foundational aspects of kindness any relationship involves simply paying attention.

When your wife or girlfriend tells you she had a bad day, yet you turn back to the television rather than asking her to go on, you’re not paying attention. When your husband or boyfriend talks about his latest hobby, and your eyes glaze over as your mind wanders away, you’re not paying attention.

They notice this. And it hurts.

Rather, take advantage of each opportunity to connect with your loved one rather than turning away. In another study by Gottman, the happiest couples picked up on cues for attention, and gave it about 86 percent of the time. Couples who would go on to divorce only gave attention 33 percent of the time.

Choose to be kind by responding to your partner’s need for attention. After all, everyone wants to be validated and noticed, especially by the person most important to them.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

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Berating and criticizing a partner for insignificant mistakes has become almost a humorous cliché, but is, in fact, a major source of unkindness within otherwise loving relationships.

What does this look like? It looks like constantly bringing up how a spouse doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you’d like. It’s about criticizing a loved one because their eyebrows aren’t plucked. It’s about focusing on the negatives of a person instead of the positives, and it tends to get worse as relationships go on and partners become more comfortable criticizing one another.

Like Elsa says, just let it go. You want to show your partner how much they matter, and you can do this by focusing on their positive attributes. Comment and acknowledge the good they do—good begets good, after all.

This doesn’t mean avoiding conflict. If a partner’s words or actions sincerely offend you, have a conversation. Resolve the issue.

But conversation is different from constant criticism, which only breeds defensiveness. Instead, let your default reaction be love, and accept your partner for who they are. That is where kindness lies.

Remain Kind in Conflict

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One of the most difficult kindnesses you can bestow is to be kind during conflict.

Your partner says something to you that makes you angry, or maybe they forgot an important date, or purchased an expensive item without telling you. Your heartbeat soars. Your hands ball into fists. All you want to do is yell, or at the very least, let him or her know exactly how idiotic they are.

Don’t do it. Although the impulse to lash out is a very human one, be kind enough not to give in.

Think about your partner’s needs during a fight. Consider what has them so upset. If you need to, take a moment to cool off before continuing the conversation.

And that’s what conflict should be—a conversation. Not a screaming match or a “fight”. And above all, your goal should not be to win, but to reach an agreement.

Love your way through fights, and you’ll show a kindness that few others do.

Reach Out and Touch

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Many forget that touch is a nearly universal type of kindness. A gentle touch on the shoulder during a hard time, a pat on the back after a job well-done, or a loving embrace when your partner comes home from work are powerful reminders that they are deeply cared about.

Touch is especially important when tensions run high. As we’ve learned, we must remember to be loving, even in the midst of conflict, and few things can diffuse a person’s anger like a loving touch. Researchers at the University of Miami found that touch stimulates a cranial nerve that slows heart rate and lowers blood pressure—it helps calm us.

But even in everyday life, take the opportunity to display small kindnesses by holding your partner’s hand as you shop, by sitting close or giving unexpected kisses. Above all, take the time to learn what kinds of touch your partner loves best, and do it.

The result of this type of kindness? Your partner will feel more cared for.

Be Quick to Forgive

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The one kindness that may be more difficult than loving your way through a fight is forgiveness.

Grudges take little effort to hold. Our partner does something that irks us, and rather than hold a conversation, we hold a grudge. Or even if that conversation occurs, we don’t truly let it go.

The result is that we become passive-aggressive. We grow distant. We begin to work against our loved one, rather than for him or her. This is unkind.

But to forgive is to be kind. This doesn’t mean naively forgetting or overlooking transgressions so that they happen again and again. What it does mean is letting go of the idea of vengeance. It means releasing your hold on your negative emotions so that positivity can take their place once again. It means being willing to reconcile because you choose to love this person, and you choose them over your anger.

Give your loved one the best type of kindness of all—forgiveness.

Fill in for Weaknesses

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Just as everyone has their own, unique strengths, we all have our weaknesses, as well. When you’re able to discern these weaknesses in your partner and step in to make their life easier, you’ll do them a great kindness.

Perhaps your partner has trouble with numbers and budgets. If so, give them a hand with finances. And if they’re tired all the time? Help out with the housework. If they don’t function well in a confrontation and someone is bullying them, stand up for them.

This particular form of kindness requires you to know your partner well, to be tactful—don’t simply take over for your partner if you see them struggling. Work together. But once you get it, you can make their life so much easier by helping them get through the activities that they have a hard time with.

Couples work best together when they have each other’s’ backs, so do your loved one a kind favor and help them where they’re vulnerable.

Be Responsible

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There’s one kind of kindness many people don’t want to hear about.

Responsibility.

Yes—responsibility is a kindness. Imagine a loved one who picks up after themselves, who never overspends, who lets you know when they’re going to be home late. Imagine a partner who takes the time to know you well enough to not buy that weird fruit that you’re allergic to, and who remembers that you love yellow cake on your birthday.

You’d think that partner pretty kind, wouldn’t you?

Being responsible means many things, but among them, it means you’re attend to your obligations, plan for the future, and are willing to consider how your life—and your partner’s—can be improved.

That doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

Responsibility also means avoiding the blame game. When things go wrong, responsible people don’t point fingers. They examine the situation and see how it can be resolved.

Show your partner kindness by being responsible, and your relationship is sure to improve.

Be Inclusive

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Finally, this last type of kindness is one that truly helps relationships soar—inclusiveness.

When it comes to decision-making, it’s easy to allow relationships to become rapidly one-sided, with the more dominant partner taking over.

But if you’ve a dominant personality, you can make your relationship so much better by including your loved one in the decisions you make as a couple. Ask them their opinions on even small things. Let them know how important they are to you, and how much you value their thoughts.

On the other hand, if you’re the type to avoid decisions, and are prone to statements like as “I don’t care. You decide,” then this can put stress on your partner, as he or she is forced to make all the decisions. That’s exhausting!

The bottom line is that refusing to work with your loved one, either out of dominance or an aversion to decision-making, is unkind.

But in unity, there is kindness.