The Next Being Like the Ex
We’re all human, so we all know how hard it is to rebound when we’ve really been hurt. One of the number one things men and women are terrified of when moving into the next relationship is the next person they’re dating being like the last person they dated. Yes, we know this an extremely unfair notion, but this idea will show up again and again. Why? Because so many of us are programmed to believe history is going to repeat itself so even if it’s a different person who very well may be demonstrating completely different qualities than a former partner (or partners), we believe they will still give us the same results in the long run. These thoughts can ultimately sabotage your relationship, especially if the person you’re with is constantly comparing you to her ex. Hopefully, the person you’re dating is dealing with this fear in a healthy way, and not constantly dragging you into her own internal drama.
Saying ‘I Love You’ and the Relationship Not Working Out
Saying “I love you” comes easy for some, but for many women and men, saying the phrase is tough, especially when we’re afraid of what comes after. Many people are terribly afraid of saying “I love you” and the relationship not working out. We know that once this is said, we’re beginning to move into the next chapter of the relationship. If you’re saying the phrase with meaning, it comes with a wave of strong emotion that we have trouble controlling. If the person you’re with has allowed themselves to be vulnerable enough to say “I love you” the last thing they want for the relationship to not work out, or the person to say it back and not mean it.
Not Feeling Attractive
Given society’s obsession with youth and perfection, many women and men feel they need to look a certain way for their partner to stay with them. Many people are terrified of not being pretty or sexy enough, and because they feel they aren’t, they feel like they may end up alone. Some men and women will even justify being cheated on because of these thoughts. If they look in the mirror, and they are not happy with what they see, they will transfer these insecurities into their relationship. What people have to realize is that their partner isn’t obsessing over every little love handle, wrinkle or stretch mark. They love you for you –your body, your mind and your spirit –and if they don’t, they probably aren’t the right one for you. Take some time to tell your loved one how beautiful they are and much you love them.
Being Cheated On
If infidelity has been an issue in your partner’s past relationships, they are probably terrified of being cheated on again. It doesn’t help that have the unfortunate reputation of having a wandering eye, and being afraid of commitment. Women are extremely afraid of being with men who are afraid of being committed. Contrary to this assumption, studies have shown otherwise. According to a study done by the Institute of Evolutionary Studies at Binghamton University, “Men in just about every cohort are just as eager to marry or more eager to marry as women are. It's not true that they don't want to commit. Particularly young men, age 21 to 34, are more eager to marry than women are. Throughout every single cohort, men are more eager to have children than women are.” While the idea that men cringe at the idea of being tied down is a common one, women must remember that this is a stereotype, and it is unfair to lump all men into the same category. Men, if you see that your woman is insecure in this area, keep the line of communication and trust open and reassure her that she’s the only one for you.
Changing Their Home Around
A big insecurity people don’t talk about too often is having to change their home around. Women aren’t the only ones who like their space the way they like their space. Many men are terrified of the idea of having to change their home around when they move in together. This is because it’s their space and they may extremely protective of it. They way you decorate your home is super personal and where you have things placed is just as personal. Don’t forget that before you, they had their things a certain way. This should be respected. If you’re taking the steps to move in together, be willing to compromise. Embrace the things that he has, and find things that you can both embrace together. You may like aspects of his décor in your shared space and he may enjoy aspects of yours.
Being Disrespected
On top of the fear of being cheated on, many men and women are afraid of being disrespected in their relationship especially when they’ve been disrespected before by an ex-partner. To disrespect someone is to act in an insulting way toward them. When you disrespect people, it shows that you think very little of them. It’s the opposite of respect and that is extremely offensive to your partner. When someone is disrespected whether it be through the act of being demeaned or a partner openly flirting with other people, it can really shatter their ego. This can really bring up a series of insecurities that they may not have even known they had. The idea is terrifying. The act is humiliating. If this is one of your top insecurities, know that you are not alone.
Settling
Many men and women are terrified of settling, or compromising for the wrong person, especially if they’ve settled before, or have witnessed other people they are close with settle for Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. A lot of times, we come into relationships with expectations and want to make sure the person we settle down with the person we’re willing to spend the rest of our lives with. Yet, in an effort to not be lonely, many of us will rush into relationships and marriages because we don’t want to be alone, or simply because we don’t want to lose out on opportunities like marriage and children by waiting too long to find someone. We think that the relationship may have its issues, but once we get married, we can work those issues out or they will simply go away over time. Sometimes, the thought is that if we work at it, we can change the person we’re with into the person we want them to be. Many men and women will rush into saying “I do” and begin lowering their standards, not realizing that all the problems they saw in their man before don’t disappear at the altar.
Emotional Baggage
When a person enters into a new relationship, they want it to start with a clean slate. They want to know that they’re not being compared to other people, particularly your exes. Many people also don’t want to have to deal with a ton of emotional baggage that they didn’t create. Sometimes, the fear is simply that they will be judged for the actions of another, and the belief that the closer they get to you, the more that baggage will come to surface. One way to keep your partner comfortable and confident is to not bring up your exes, no matter how much you want to. While it’s ok to discuss the ways you were hurt in the past, these shouldn’t be thrown in his face when you’re unhappy, or things aren’t going your way. Judge your man for the qualities he’s showing you, not what someone else did.
