6 Tips for Resolving Any Fight

To engage in conflict is human, but to resolve it? Divine!

Unfortunately, conflict resolution isn’t a natural skill. When tensions rise, it’s easy to allow good dialogue and manners to get washed away in a tidal wave of emotions. It’s often only after a fight explodes that we realize the destruction that one angry, misplaced word can wreak. Just a few syllables can utterly break a relationship.

Many simply opt to ignore conflict entirely, allowing it to simmer and engender resentment and passive-aggressive behavior. Others explode, unleashing a tirade of angry words and dented drywall. These aren’t valid options.

Fortunately, diplomacy is a skill that can be learned! Within every conflict, there is a choice to be made—resolve the situation or don’t. If you take the time to learn the most vital steps of conflict resolution, you’ll find your relationships—particularly with your romantic partner—will grow stronger than ever, and that you’ll have peace in your life. Who wouldn’t want that?

Check out these 6 keys to resolving conflict, and make the choice to stop fighting today.

Set Boundaries

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The first step of resolving conflict comes far before it even begins.

Nearly all interpersonal disputes arise from unmet expectations. It might be that one person fails to voice their wants and needs, or it may be that another simply fails to follow through with expectations they’ve set up, themselves, but the result is always disappointment, and disappointment leads to conflict.

So how do we avoid this?

It may sound like a cliche, but the answer to this question is communication. But let’s go beyond this generic word and delve into what communication really means in this context.

It means boundaries. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean building walls—this is a common misconception. Boundaries give relationships form, as a drinking cup might give shape to water. They help make relationships easier to navigate.

Setting a boundary can be as simple as being honest about what you want. For instance, if you know that you need alone time once a week, tell your partner. Set up the expectation that you’ll be taking time to yourself. That way, your partner doesn’t need to wonder why you’ve suddenly disappeared. They don’t need to feel that they can’t hold your attention, or that you don’t love them. They’ll know that you simply need alone time—that’s how you are. On the flip side, in telling your partner this need, you give yourself permission to take that alone time so that you do not resent your partner for unknowingly “taking it away”.

Be honest and open with your needs, especially at the beginning of any relationship, work together to establish boundaries, and you’ll reduce the risk of blowout fights later, guaranteed.

Conflict resolution starts now.

Take Time to Cool Off

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Emotions affect our decisions, and can be almost drug-like in their power to do so. Sometimes, especially for very emotional people, it is wise to take the time to cool off if things become too heated during an argument. This allows you to come back with a more level head and work toward a solution rather than giving in to emotion.

Tell your partner your need—that you’d like to go calm down before speaking. Just as importantly, tell them why—you love them and want to solve this problem in the best way possible.

When you take your leave, don’t dwell on your anger. Meditate, listen to relaxing music, or take a walk. Focus on something else. Thinking of a fond memory with your partner, on how much you love him or her. You’ll come back refreshed and ready to engage in a loving way rather than in anger or rage.

If your partner is the one requesting a moment to cool off, let them go. Don’t hold them hostage, causing tension to flare. Understand that they’re stepping away because they love you and want to resolve the issue.

Knowing yourself well enough to see your limits and know when you need to step away is vital to conflict resolution. Let your partner know that you’ll sometimes need this during spats—remember those expectations we talked about earlier? You’ll find yourself much better able to peacefully dialogue.

Avoid the Ad Hominems

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Ad hominem is short for argumentum ad hominem, which is an argument against a person rather than the position they are maintaining. It is a logical fallacy—a flawed method of argumentation. And it is the worst thing you can possibly do in a conflict with a loved one.

Take a look at this example of an ad hominem argument.

“I think we should spend our vacation money on fixing the roof this year, Henry.”

“You’re an idiot, Martha. Why would you suggest that?”

Do you see what’s going on here? Instead of engaging with the problem—the issue of where to spend money—Henry attacks Martha directly. This way, not only is the real argument ignored, but Martha now feels hurt, and the confrontation will continue.

Never attack the person in a conflict. Attack the idea—better yet, engage it. Talk about the pros and cons and weigh the consequences. Even if your partner has made a mistake and disappointed you, talk about how that made you feel. Never, ever attack your partner or engage in blaming language.

Remember—you love the person you’re arguing with. Treat them with love and care, even if you are working against their argument. This is not a competition where one person wins and one loses— the need to win is the enemy of intimacy. It is the journey to a solution where both parties can have their needs met.

Remain in the Present

Another huge mistake that many people make while in conflict with their loved ones is living in the past.

It may be tempting to bring up past grievances when issues arise—after all, it’s a great way to win the argument, right?

Not really.

Most of the time, this is manipulative, an “I win” button that has no place in any dispute—it’s often used to guilt or shame a partner into submission. Picking up spent ammunition from the interpersonal battlefields of the past isn’t going to heal those old wounds—healing mostly occurs outside of conflict.

Rather, discuss issues as they happen. Don’t wait for frustration and anger to build, only to release it during some subsequent transgression. Solve the current problem, as it is right now.

And as for those things that have never been fully resolved, those legitimate hurts and disappointments—deal with those later, when the present conflict is resolved. Bringing up past hurts is best done when emotions are calm, and solutions can be sought together, not during a fight.

If the offending party has taken ownership of their past transgressions, and a change in behavior has occurred, leave the past in the past. However, if they are actively ignoring recurring problematic behavior, feel free to confront them about this.

Stay focused on what matters during conflict, and a resolution will be much easier to reach.

Avoid Absolutes

“I always do everything, and you never help me out.”

Sound familiar? What’s more, does this sound unfair?

You bet it does.

Generalizing through the use of absolutes is one of the surest ways to keep a conflict flaring. We use them to help us feel good about ourselves during a skirmish, dumping our negative feelings onto the other person—we feel righteous and superior, while they become inferior and uncaring. Generalities are shortcuts that dehumanize our loved one, transforming them into a cartoon villain who “always” makes the hurtful decisions.

What can we do instead? Tell your partner exactly what you want. Revolutionary, huh? Why generalize when you can get right to the point, saying something like, “I’d like more help around the house.” State your need, and what your partner could do better next time. Talk about how their transgression made you feel.

But never generalize, because you know what? Generalities are lies if you look closely at what is really being said. Your partner has helped you around the house before. You don’t always do everything.

They’ll only resent you for statements like these, so don’t use them!

Don't Invalidate

During an argument, have you ever heard something like the phrases, “Why are you getting so upset” or “Lighten up,” or “You can choose to be happy”? How did this make you feel?

It hurt, didn’t it? Statements like these do something extraordinarily harmful—they trivialize and invalidate feelings. They tell a person that their experience and emotions are wrong, selfish, or even crazy. People often do this unintentionally in arguments, which leads to intense feelings of rejection and low self-esteem in their partners.

Don’t do this to your loved one. One of the most fundamental human needs is to be acknowledged. In a relationship, everyone wants to be loved, valued, and understood. We want to be validated.

So do that for your partner. Accept their feelings, understand them, and nurture them, even if they seem irrational. Why is your partner angry? Why is he or she sad or upset or disappointed? Barring mental illness, here’s always a reason. Don’t tell them to choose to be happy. Comfort them and make them happy.

Trying your best to understand your partner’s feelings shows respect, empathy, and care.