5 Questions For Couples About Social Media

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Do you and your significant other have any disagreements or difficulty regarding the use of social media? If so, then you are not alone.

As a ministry couple, people ask us a lot of questions. One recent email question from a wife was particularly memorable. Apparently, her husband had been interacting with former girlfriends and other women on Facebook. His wife confronted him on this and said that it made her feel uncomfortable. The husband responded by…blocking his wife on Facebook!

It is very common for people who are in a romantic relationship to disagree about the place of technology in their relationship. Is it okay to be busy on your phone while eating a meal or having a conversation together? What pictures and life details are appropriate to post online for the world to see? Is it acceptable to have a private communication channel on social media that your significant other does not have any right to see?

It is very important for a couple to agree on how they will use such things as technology and social media. Jesus tell us in Mark 3:5, “…if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.” For a relationship to stand the test of time requires that there be unity and not division. The word division literally means two visions. When a couple does not agree on something important, including social media, then they have division and are under threat of seeing their relationship break apart rather than stick together. Researches have even reported that, “Facebook is now cited in about a third of all divorce cases…”. To help guide your discussion on this matters, we will consider five questions.

Should either or both of you be on social media at all?

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Sometimes, this question is basically answered for us. Many jobs essentially require us to be on social media to perform our duties.

Other times, we really do have a choice to make. There is a great pressure in our culture to be on social media, open up our lives, and allow others to peer in on the food we eat, house we own, and vacations we take. But, is this healthy? Is this what you want? Do you want to open the expectation of access to your private life and feel obligated to continue to feed that access into the future?

We live an age of great social experimentation. With hundreds of reality television shows that follow people around and record their life the celebrity nature of culture causes people to, in varying degrees, turn their life into a reality show. Reality television stars, however, are rarely godly, healthy, joyful people. To maintain attention, they have to continually increase the extreme nature of their behavior to keep the audience interested. Following their lead, people on social media mimic what celebrities model as the behavior escalates to become more and more unhealthy, dangerous, and bizarre. For this reason, some people have decided to not start climbing the mountain of mayhem at all by staying off social media altogether.

What is the purpose for your social media involvement?

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Before jumping on social media, it is helpful to ask why you might consider doing so and working toward agreement as a couple. This agreement will help you decide what platform you use, whether or not your page is private or open to the public, and whether or not you allow comments if the platform allows you the option of turning them off.

If the purpose is to rant on social and political issues, blow people up, troll others, harass, and act like a digital arsonist then one has to ask if this is the best use of their life energy. Perhaps finding pretty much anything else to do other than social media would be a better choice.

Is the purpose largely marketing to expand a business? If so, then the page should be very professional and public.

Is the purpose largely ministry to share Bible verses and other encouraging resources to help people? If so, then the page should be somewhere between professional and personal and be more pastoral and public.

Is the purpose to keep family and friends up to date on how life is going and share family updates? If so, then the page should likely be personal and private so that trusted people can communicate in a safer context.

Do not, however, fool yourself regarding privacy. As soon as something is posted on social media there is always the possibility, even inadvertently, that what you share spreads beyond the intended audience.

When a couple does not agree on the overarching purpose of social media then there are battles that rage over specific posts and pictures. Hopefully, agreeing on what the point of social media involvement is and is not can reduce the battles between the couple with a battle plan for the couple.

Are there any safety issues we need to consider?

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Many people are unaware that photos often contain location data that reveals where someone is. This is used by predators to find minors and other victims. This is also used increasingly by criminals who track social media to see when someone is out of town thereby leaving their home and possessions vulnerable to thieves.

Also a risk are private communications with former romantic interests, or flirtatious people who use social media in the same way that a fisherman uses a hook tossing the bait of temptation in the water to see if they can get a bite. For this reason, some couples choose to share a joint account, or share passwords for their personal account, so that there is nothing secret, hidden, or private in their relationship.

There is a big difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is what healthy people with healthy boundaries maintain. This, for example, explains why we get dressed before we go to the grocery store rather than doing so in the canned food aisle while shoppers push their cart around us. Secrecy is when we are trying to hide something that is bad. A healthy relationship will have privacy to protect the intimacy of the relationship for the couple without having secrecy between the couple.

Where do you draw the line at privacy?

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The privacy line must be drawn somewhere. We should no more give the world unfiltered access to our lives on social media than we should leave the front door of our home wide open with a sign saying “welcome” for anyone and everyone to walk and and view our private life as they please. It is not uncommon that two people will disagree on where the privacy line is to be drawn.

When one person in the relationship feels that their privacy has been violated then there is a problem. The relationship is more important than the issue of social media. When social media starts to break the relationship there is an inversion of priorities.

Some people get jealous of social media. Jealousy is sometimes a very good thing. God tells us that he is jealous (Exodus 20:5; Deuteronomy 4:24). Healthy jealousy is what we feel when someone takes our place. When someone takes God’s place in our life, he becomes jealous. And, when someone on social media has the attention of our loved one at dinner time, bed time, or family time then jealousy is the right response.

When two people do not agree where the line should be drawn, as a general but not hard rule, the line should be drawn far enough back that neither person is expected to violate their conscience by living over the line, or just accepting that the other person has made the issue of social media more important than the relationship. Love and consideration means we make accommodation for the sake of the relationship.

Do you need a social media fast?

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The Bible talks a good bit about fasting. Even Jesus fasted for forty days. Fasting is a way for us to remove distractions, reset our soul, and reestablish God as the priority in our life.

There are various things that we can fast from in addition to food. One of the things we can fast from is social media. Sometimes we do not realize how much time and energy it is consuming until we take a break. People that we know who have taken a fasting break from social media have reported a number of revealing results. Some people experience withdrawals not unlike cutting caffeine or nicotine. Others find that they experience the lifting of a low level depression that they were unaware of once the constant drama of being plugged in is lifted. And, still others realize that most of what they were spending the free minutes of their day on was a complete waste of time that they did not miss.

For those who are already on social media, how about taking a fasting break and using that time to reconsider if you will return and if so how you will return to social media? Grace has never been on social media. And I (Mark) took a lengthy break to focus my energy on my family and it has reframed how I have returned to social media in a way that is helpful.

Lastly, the presence of technology can often cause us to not be present emotionally with the people in our life. As a pastor, I have heard people actually take a call during a wedding, and during a funeral. I have seen a father actually updating his social media while walking his daughter down the aisle. There is an increasing loss of understanding that some moments are sacred and not everything needs to be posted by voyeurs for the global busybody brigade to know about.

How many conversations are couples not having because one or both of them is looking at a screen fixated online rather than looking at each each other and focused offline? Technology and social media is not necessarily a bad thing, but when it takes the time and energy we should be giving to the the Lord and the most important people in our life it may be time to turn off the technologies and tune into the relationships. Don’t jump online and comment on our blog just yet. First, it is best to spend time discussing this issue with the Lord and those in close relationship with you to see what they might have to say.