How to Support Friends After a Breakup

8 Tips to Help Friends Get Over a Breakup

By Chanel Graham

My best friend recently broke up with her boyfriend and while she's gracefully exited the relationship like she was going for gold in relational maturity, I've been a complete mess.

There should be an instruction manual on how to support a friend after a breakup. Unfortunately like parenthood, a first kiss, or pouring ketchup from a bottle, there’s no right way to do it. The best we can do is toss our head back, say a quick prayer, and hope we don't leave a mess.

While there is no hard and fast rules or official steps to help a friend getting over a breakup and grieving over a lost relationship, some methods are better than others. Here are eight tips for helping a close friend after a breakup.

Chanel Graham is the editor and co-founder of I Kissed Dating Hello, an online community-driven website exploring the challenges and triumphs of contemporary Christian dating. She is based in New York City.

Listen Until It Hurts

In Jewish culture, when a loved one dies, immediate family members gather together for a period of mourning, referred to as a time of sitting shivah. It’s a beautiful tradition where life pauses for seven days to honor loss and to freely grieve the one who has passed.

When comforting a friend through a breakup, often the most immediate and appropriate response is to mimic the process of sitting shivah. Relieve yourself of any pressure to offer advice, take sides against the ex, or analyze where things went wrong. Simply offer the comfort of your presence and listen as your friend reflects.

In the first few days following a breakup, it’s important not to express your feelings around the relationship beyond your sympathy for her loss. There is a chance the couple could reconcile or perhaps your friend’s feelings will evolve as the days pass. Negative statements about the ex may be resented later and commentary about why things fell apart may add to the confusion. Let your silence speak volumes about how much you care.

Encourage Productive Emotional Release

Expressing feelings, even those that are unpleasant, can be a healthy way to deflate anger and move past grief to a place of hope.

Help your friend find release by encouraging her to set aside specific time to articulate her feelings about the breakup. For the first day, allot her a one-hour, no-holds barred venting session to rant about the ex. On the second day allow her 45 minutes to share her frustration and sadness.

For the remainder of the week, encourage her to continue talking about her feelings for a predetermined amount of time, reducing the length by 10-15 minutes each day. Actively setting aside time to grieve helps validate the significance of the breakup. At the same time, this also empowers her to move beyond the relationship by gradually reducing the amount of time she devotes to thinking about loss.

Reaffirm Her Identity

In the wake of a breakup, it’s easy to become plagued by insecurities and succumb to hopelessness about ever finding love again.

Combat these doubts by reminding your friend why she is a wonderful and desirable woman. Send her a card or an email with a list of reasons why you think she’s adorable and share anecdotes of moments you found her support invaluable to you.

You can also put together a collection of photos in an album or scrapbook or you can create a slideshow of fun times you’ve spent together. A collage is also a fantastic way to show her that she has experienced rich moments of joy. You will be giving her an inspirational, visual reminder of good times that will certainly come again.