How to Let Go of Past Loves

12 Ways to Let Go of Past Loves

Come unstuck with these techniques and discover yourself, happy and free.

By Laura Oliver

At a recent dinner with five friends, my friend Julie mentioned that she had been unable to stop thinking about a former boyfriend she hadn’t seen in years. In fact, she confessed, she thinks about him every day.

As she glanced helplessly around the table not one person appeared surprised. By the time dessert was served, every woman present admitted a persistent emotional attachment to a former relationship. Most surprising? Every woman at the table was happily married!

If you are stuck in an emotional tie that no longer serves you, it’s time to set yourself free. Here are 12 fool-proof ways to enjoy the present and release your past.

Learn how to move on now.

Laura Oliver is an award-winning author and university writing instructor whose work explores emotional growth through relationship.

Get Real About What Was

According to Harville Hendrix, we are most magnetically attracted to people who embody the characteristics of our parents or early caretakers because we unwittingly seek in a partner someone who will re-injure our childhood wounds. Our adult selves can finally heal those wounds, but the more negative those characteristics are (from critical and controlling to charmingly irresponsible) the more intense the attraction we feel.

We can get relief from our nostalgia for a passionate love by remembering the intensity of the memory does not hold some great truth about the relationship’s sacredness. Remember, what fueled the attraction may not have been love, but your soul’s desire to heal the past.

Are You Romanticizing?

Brain scientists now recognize that nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief.” According Rob Stein of the Washington Post, “One of the hallmarks of complicated grief is a persistent sense of longing for the lost one and a tendency to conjure up reveries of that person.”

The persistence of a romanticized memory contains an addictive element but the element is not in the former relationship, it’s in you. For the 20 percent of us that stuck-ness has a biological source, an actual difference in brain processing. It can help to know the connection you still feel may be more biological than spiritual in origin.

So trade in your rose-colored glasses. Chances are you are romanticizing weaknesses as strengths. Was he self-employed because of his independence or his inability to accept authority? A realistic assessment is empowering. Keep a cheat sheet of unflattering truths and refer to it when you slip into dewy daydreams. It is easier to let go of a human than a hero.

Read it Right

Swap longing reverie for gratitude—by whatever means you can. A photo of your dog or cat. Photos of your kids, an upbeat song without a history to it. Something to look forward to—a ritual you enjoy. Try having a book on tape to stop the tape in your head. Books work better than music because they are intellectually captivating and pull you into the moment. Music can do the opposite, drop you right into the past.

Keep a tape in the car, which is a place we’re particularly vulnerable to romanticizing. The left- brain act of driving puts your “logic brain “ into neutral and gives your right brain a chance to wander down memory lane. Best book to get on tape? “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” by Howard Halpern.