Dear Rabbi Shmuley,
I love my fiancé very much and a few weeks ago we were blessed with a baby boy. But since I gave birth, I no longer have romantic affection for my fiancé and I don't even want him to touch me. I heard over the radio a doctor saying that when moms are breast feeding, the chemical reaction used to produce the milk is same as the one that causes romantic feelings. How true is this? I need help--we are almost to the point of breaking our engagement because of this.
Hi Jackie,
You and your fiancé cannot throw away your marriage plans. You love each other and you have a child together. You should certainly be together as man and wife and build a beautiful family. So this loss of romantic interest is serious and has to be addressed.

There can be several reasons why you're losing attraction to your fiancé. One could be post-partum depression. A lot of women get down after having a baby, and depression and romance don't go together. The more subdued you feel, the less alive you feel. Since sex is a celebration of life, if you feel only half alive your libido is going to be the first thing that suffers. So you should first check out the depression issue with your doctor, because that could be a major factor.

Then, there is the issue of feeling attractive. A lot of women think that after having a baby, they're not as attractive as they used to be. They see their bodies as somewhat bloated or overweight. They also see themselves as less erotic. They have become mothers first, and women second. This is especially true of the breast, which can begin to seem like a feeding station. All this can sometimes be exacerbated by men who often inadvertently make the terrible mistake of making their women feel like they are less attractive after having a child, although in your case your fiancé doesn't seem to be making this mistake.

This idea of new moms being unattractive is, of course, a bunch of bullocks. A woman who is a mother is super-sexy. Female fertility is incredibly erotic, as it brings out the life-force in women and manifests in them the same mysterious light as the Creator. You have to see yourself in that light. The more sexy you feel, the more romantic you will feel about the man in your life.

Of course, your body needs to heal after having a baby, and full out sex may not be right for you just yet. So start slow. Kiss and hug. Things need not progress too quickly. Just enjoying physical closeness and emotional intimacy should slowly jump-start your heart.

Above all, you should be discussing all of these issues with your fiancé. You should tell him that you love him, but for some reason you're not feeling very romantic. You should then go through the list I've laid out above in an effort to identify with him the exact cause. The more you're able to discuss it, the stronger your relationship will be. And you will find, I believe, that in the process of discussing these erotic issues, you will begin to feel much more romantic and drawn to your fiancé.

And speaking of your fiancé, might I suggest that this would be the perfect time for the two of you to really begin discussing marriage? It could well be that the added commitment made to you by your fiancé will greatly increase how attracted to him you feel.
Because, as King Solomon said so eloquently in Proverbs, the heart is like the mirror of a lake. What you show it is reflected right back to you. And the more commitment your fiancé shows to you, the more love you'll feel back.

G-d bless you,
Rabbi Shmuley
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