The other day, I noticed something crusty, front and center, on the cute little shirt I’d put on, in an attempt to look put together. After picking at it, I realized it was a booger… a dried booger! That’ll teach me to try and look cute. Whose is it? How long has it been there? (These are the questions one asks when they find a booger on their shirt.) I’m pretty certain I can answer those questions thus: One of my kids… and ALL DAY LONG!

I can only hope, if someone noticed it (but was too rude or embarrassed to point it out to me); they assumed I was a mom. An adorable, well dressed mom, unsuspectingly wearing someone else’s snot on my shirt. And that is why I’m making this list… to save other moms from embarrassment (and to commiserate).

Here are 10 things you may find on your clothes, body, furniture… that are pretty solid indicators you’re a parent:

10. We’ll start with the dried booger on your shirt.

9. Something you would have to taste to place… Parents, since the dawn of time have found something on them and then licked or smelled it — it’s a parenting detective trick, which I call the “Please, Don’t Let it Be Poop?” method. It could be popsicle residue, icing, tomato sauce, baby food, chocolate (which is one you taste at your own risk). It’s not our smartest trick.

8. Puke. No one tells you quite how gross kids are. It’s one of those secrets parents keep in hopes of ensuring the survival of our species. However, once you have kids, you learn how little control they have over where or when they puke. In fact, their bed, the floor, your lap … all equally good choices.

7. Stamps. There are days when one would think I was trying to reenter every nightclub I’ve ever been to, with the amount of stamps I’ve found on my arms, hands… neck. There is no telling how much damage a child can do with an ink pad that never seems to run out.

6. Spit up. Yes, people without children rarely have a random human walk over and burp out milky residue on their shoulders, because that would be weird…

5. Poop. Most of us avoid touching poop, especially the poop of other people and yet somehow, every parent spends a considerable amount of time cleaning it off tushies, your toilet seats… the sofa… the wall? — and sometimes, your hands and clothes. These things are not in the manual.

4. Stickers. In my house, I find stickers everywhere… phones, doors, windows, furniture, my jeans, my jackets. Once, a woman giving me a long overdue pedi, asked if I would like her to remove the Hello Kitty sticker on the bottom of my foot. After pondering how long it had been there, I said, “Yes, please.”

3. Glitter and glue. If you’ve ever done a craft with a child, you know that they like to use an excessive amount of these items … even when the craft does not call for them. And no matter how careful you are with glitter, you’ll be picking it out of your hair for weeks.

2. Pee. Take poop and multiply it times 1000. It is truly astonishing how many scenarios involving children end with you cleaning, wiping, or wearing pee. Too many to count.

1. The number one thing you can wear that says you’re probably a mom? A CHILD! Whether it’s an infant in a Baby Bjorn, a toddler fast asleep in your arms, a little kid connected to your leg, or a big kid sitting on your lap and giving you a sweet and fleeting moment of nostalgia…
Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog, is the humorist behind the award winning, The Suburban Jungle.com. Join her … and the INSANITY on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

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