Tips for the Smart Stepmom by Laura Petherbridge l Parenting Tips l Step Parenting Tips l Advice for a Stepmom

Laura Petherbridge shares some helpful advice that has been adapted from her book 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom (Bethany House).

When you choose to date or marry a man with kids, it’s crucial to recognize that you inherit a third party in the relationship - his former wife.

“My husband’s ex-wife is much more involved in our lives than I thought she would be,” the new stepmom stated. “I just never dreamed co-parenting with her would be so complex.”

Stepmoms everywhere are ambushed by the multifaceted issues associated with marrying a man with kids, and the reality that the “I do” comes with an in-law they didn’t anticipate. These tips can help to keep the relationship thriving.

Tip #3 Don’t Throw Gasoline on the Fire

Well-intentioned stepmoms do numerous innocent things that infuriate the mom, and exacerbate the battle. This includes posting pictures on Facebook of the stepmom and child with a caption like, “Throwing a party for my son, Jeremy,” or “We are so proud of our daughter, Jessica.”

The stepmom believes this is love, and reveals her bond. What the mother feels is rage and her mama-bear fangs come out clawing, “Jeremy is NOT your son, he is MY son.” A stepmom does have all the housework, laundry, dishes, carpool, and other tasks of being a mom. The question a smart stepmom must ponder is, “Do I want to be right, or do I want peace?”

“And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever” Isaiah 32:17 (ESV). A smart stepmom changes the captions to, “Jeremy had a great time at his birthday party,” or “Jessica has worked hard this year, her entire family is so proud of her.”

Tip #5 Change the View

It’s really hard to hate someone when you pray for them. Christ knows that if we ask, prayer will give us the ability to see the former spouse through his lens of grace, compassion, and understanding instead of our painful perspective. Jesus was hated, insulted, lied about, unlawfully arrested, assaulted, and humiliated. He offers this paraphrased advice (Romans 12:9-20):

• Bless and do not curse
• Do everything you can to live in harmony
• Do not be proud, arrogant, or condescending
• Do what is right; earn the respect of others
• Do not take revenge; remain a lady

This does not imply that a stepmom should tolerate abuse from the former spouse. The goal of a smart stepmom is to learn the things that build a bridge toward the ex-spouse, and refrain from words and actions that create walls.