The Secrets of Happy Families By Angela Guzman

Bruce Feiler is a parent who, like the rest of society, wants the best for his children. After a family vacation Feiler decided to take matters into his own hands and instead of reading parenting books, scouring Google for tips or taking the advice from others - Feiler decided to be his own parental expert. Feiler, an investigative reporter, interviewed experts and researched the science of parenting. With his sense of humor and modern day outlook, Feiler was able to develop a new methodology to parenting that helped develop structure for his family and bring them closer together.

We asked Feiler to answer a few questions that we knew our audience would love to know and to give us some insight on his new book. Here's what he had to say.

In his book The Secrets of Happy Families, Feiler discusses punishments, dinner, "the talk", and many other tips to help re-establish structure and unity amongst your family. To learn more about Bruce Feiler click here.

Structure

Do you believe that a day-to-day structure is an important part of a child’s schedule? Do you think it affects their attitude in any way? Why or why not?

Let me first say that in “The Secrets of Happy Families” I don’t have an ideology I’m trying to promote. I, for one, was fed up with all the mommy wars (“Be strict like the Chinese!” “No, be lax like the French!”). Instead, I’ve tried to look for what’s working out there. And the research is consistent that routines and schedules are extremely helpful for kids. But the bigger takeaway is that you have to constantly change those routines to adjust for how your kids are evolving.

The single best thing we’ve done is to add a weekly family meeting. We ask three questions, based on a popular program called “agile families”: 1) What went well in our family this week? 2) What didn’t go well? 3) What will we agree to work on this week. The key is to have your kids pick their own rewards and punishments. Research shows that children who plan their own time, set weekly goals, and evaluate their own work build up their frontal cortex, take greater control over their lives, and become more internally motivated.

Eating as a Family

How important is a “family dinner?”

This is one of the most surprising and helpful pieces of information I found. There’s been a ton of research that children who eat dinner with their parents are less likely to smoke, do drugs, or have eating disorders. But not that many families can eat together every day. Well, it turns out, the eating together is not what’s important, it’s the conversation, and there’s only 10 minutes of productive conversation every meal. The rest is taken up with “Pass the ketchup” and “Take your elbows off the table.”

So can’t have family dinner? Try family breakfast or gather at 8 pm for a bedtime snack. Even one meal a week has proven benefits. One of my favorite sections of the book is where I gathered a bunch of games that can enhance your kids’ identity, such as WHAT DO YOU KNOW? about your family history. The more kids know about their parents and grandparents, the more resilient they are.

Spirituality and Religion

Do you think that spirituality and/or religion is necessary when establishing family structure?

Research consistently shows that religious families are happier, but the reason is surprising. It’s not about how close they are to God or how many services they attend. It’s about relationships. Happiness is deeply related to having close relationships, and religious people tend to feel part of a larger community and thus have a large number of meaningful relationships with others.

I devoted a whole chapter to this subject because its so close to my heart from my experience with “Walking the Bible” and “Abraham.” And I had the first-ever national interview with Gary Chapman, the author of “The Five Love Languages,” who helped me identify some of the other ways religion enhances families.

Advice

If you could give a family that feels disconnected one piece of advice what would you suggest to them?

Read my book! No, seriously, the first thing I would say is relax. You’re not alone. I’ve interviewed countless families, and we’re all frustrated to one degree or another. As Bill Ury, the author of “Getting to Yes,” told me, “No one knows the new rules! There’s a lot more fluidity, agility, and reinvention going on.” He was giving me some great tips about cutting down on fighting (my wife and I even changed when and where you do it!), but he said we should realize that all parents are pioneers these days.

At the end of three years of research, I found that happy families have three thing in common. They adapt all the time. They talk. A lot. They go out and play. And they do one more thing: They make the decision to keep working on their family. In the end, this may be the most enduring lesson of all. What’s the secret to a happy family? Try.

Keeping Your Marriage Alive

What suggestions do you have for couples on how to keep their marriage “fresh” and “alive”?

Ignore a lot of what you’ve heard on TV. Here are three quick tips, all based on research. 1) Ditch date night. If you have a night alone, don’t just go to dinner and movie. Spending time with your partner is more renewing if you try something different, drive to a new part of town, take a class, cook a challenging recipe. The newness will trigger the same chemical reaction you had upon first meeting. 2) Go on a double date. The novelty and intimacy of being with another couple will have the same impact. 3) Focus on yourself. If you learn a new skill, try a new hobby, or join a new club, your expanded world will expand your partner’s world.

Inspiration

What inspired you to write this book?

I was frustrated as a parent. I was fed up with self-help books, shrinks, and other parenting “experts” having all the say. Their ideas were all stale, while in every other arena of contemporary life – from Silicon Valley to elite peace negotiators, from championship sports teams to the Green Berets – there are proven new ways to make teams and groups run more smoothly. I wanted to know what those people were doing with their own families, then test their ideas with my own wife and kids. It was an amazing experience for all of us. Not every idea worked. But I put all the ideas I learned in the book – over 200 new ones! – because what clicks with your family may be different from what clicked with mine. But my hope is that if you take three ideas, you’ll have a happier family in a week.