How to Help Your Child Grieve

Talk With the Kids

Kids may not always be eloquent, but they have a voice. Sometimes they use words, sometimes they don’t. But they are always saying something. As we learn about them and their feelings we must use that information to teach.

“I don’t want Mom to be in heaven,” said my 4-year old.

“I don’t either,” said our pastor in an extraordinary moment of compassion.

He agreed with my son, and then talked him about what it means to have faith. God has a plan for all of us and, though we may not understand it, or even agree with it, we trust that His plan is right.

Use age-appropriate words. More often than not, kids respond well to information that is truthful, but on their level. Lead them with questions. (For example, “If I was a kid your age, I might be wondering about why God let Mom die. Are you thinking about those things?”) For kids, saying difficult things out loud can be a great icebreaker that can lead to healthy grieving and healing.

What's important?

Children have different priorities than adults. Children are self-focused and often only see what is right in front of them. “Will I still live in this house?” “Will I still go to this school?” “Will something bad, abnormal, scary, etc. happen to me?”

These are normal reactions and the best thing is reassure them their world will remain as normal as possible going forward. Then of course, you have to live that. You must do everything you can to show them that they are still expected to do chores, finish homework, etc. Some parents allow their children to become spoiled during these times. Resist the urge to lavish them with trips and gifts, attempting to distract them from their grief. Naturally you will be a little gentler and more compassionate to your child at this time, but don’t cross the line into granting every whim and wish they have. Kids actually will see discipline as an indicator that things are going to move forward “normally.”

Be patient

Kids, like adults, will not necessarily be a little “better” today than they were yesterday. Many parents (and other relatives) look for signs that children are over their grief like they get over a cold or flu. Grief is not a linear progression with a beginning and an end. You don’t get over grief – you go through it. Kids will feel great, act normally, be hopeful, etc., and then one morning wake up in tears and unable to go to school, or act out in destructive ways, because of their overwhelming sense of loss. There is no telling when it will wash over them. When it does, hold them close. School, church, family parties, etc., can just wait. Help them understand that they are normal and teach them to redirect their emotions in healthy ways.

It's OK to love again

Kids often feel a sense of fidelity to a loved one who has died. This is healthy and good but can be taken too far. If you find them distancing themselves from close relationships, or from normally enjoyable experiences, this can be a sign that they feel guilty about enjoying life again.

Many kids (and adults) look at love as though it is a zero sum game. Loving someone new is not a betrayal of a loved one who has died. We must avoid thinking “if I love this person, I must love that other person less”. God has designed us to be in relationship with one another. To love is to experience the heart of God – the very nature of God. When we deny love we deny God and His plans for us.