Cracking the Toddler Code l Communicating with Kids l Parenting Tips

Tovah Klein has a strange job. Oh, it’s not “sword-swallowing” strange, but it is unusual nonetheless. Every day this accomplished psychologist, author, and university professor goes to work with one main objective: Think like a two-year-old.

Fact is, Dr. Klein’s gotten so good at it that Good Morning America calls her “The Toddler Whisperer.” Actress Sarah Jessica Parker (a mother of three) is also a raving fan. “Tovah’s parenting approach,” Parker says, “enabled me to get inside the complicated minds of my then two-year-olds…I went from feeling overwhelmed to feeling confident, all the while giving my children their own sense of confidence in themselves.”

Kid Stuff for Grown-Ups

Today, Dr. Klein is director of the lauded Barnard Center for Toddler Development and author of the landmark book, How Toddlers Thrive. She’s served as a developmental advisor for Sesame Street and HBO films for children. She appears regularly on Good Morning America, and her advice has shown up in The New York Times, Redbook, Parents magazine, Slate.com, Huffington Post and many other publications. But here’s the good part: Right here, right now, Tovah P. Klein, Ph.D., is answering real-world questions from real-life parents about those mysterious, magical, frustrating-and-delightful two-to five-year-old children living in your home.

Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads, The Toddler Whisperer is about to tell all…care to listen in?

Shame On...Who?

Q: Explain to me about “toddler shame.” What should I do about it?

“When toddlers get filled with shame, it counters their ability to trust themselves. Shame breeds self-doubt and insecurity, a sense that they are not a good person, that they can't trust their feelings or desires. This is not a good base for child development.

“You can counter the shame your toddler so easily feels by letting your child know you love him, no matter what. ‘I love you when you’re happy and when you’re sad or angry.” This provides a message that you see all of them, and that you accept both the negative and positive of them. It doesn’t mean surrendering to bad behavior, but it does mean conveying acceptance in the good moments—and the bad.”

Don't Make the Big Mistake

Q: What’s the most common mistake parents of two- to five-year-olds make?

“The biggest mistake is thinking your toddler is a mini-adult, older than they actually are. Once children have language, we think they are capable of so much more than they can actually handle. Yes, your child may speak rudely at moments, or be willful and unable to compromise. This may seem like teenage behavior, but they’re still very little. They are erratic in their abilities.

“So remember how little your toddler actually is. He is more baby than big kid. Even at age 5, she still has a lot of little kid in her. When you remember that, you’ll tend to pull back and have more reasonable expectations. Everyone is happier.”