How to Survive a Loved One’s Terminal Illness

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Whether it’s cancer or some other diagnosis when a loved one becomes terminally ill your entire life immediately changes. Suddenly you find yourself riding a roller coaster of emotions. One minute you are angry, the next sad, anxious, overwhelmed, forgetful, stressed and so on. All of those emotions are normal, watching a loved one approach end of life can be a terrifying experience.

It can be extremely difficult learning a loved one has a serious or terminal illness. You might feel overwhelmed by what this diagnosis means for the future of your entire family. Dealing with a terminal loved one is difficult; it’s even more difficult to prepare yourself for the long, emotional road that lies ahead for your loved one, you and your entire family.

The instant you learn that someone you love dearly is terminally ill it can feel as if the earth has stopped rotating. Perhaps you ignored the diagnosis because it was too overwhelming. Maybe you cried, yelled or jumped into rescue mode. Regardless of how you reacted, life goes on, sometimes too quickly, as soon as that diagnosis is made.

Although this can be of the most difficult things you encounter, there are things you can do to help yourself cope while you help your loved one.

Below are some suggestions on how to prepare.

Research

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Gathering information and learning about your loved one’s condition will help you better understand what is going on and what will happen as the illness progresses. Find out what their illness is, the treatment or treatments they will endure and the changes that will occur as treatments progresses. Learning about what to expect will help you prepare for the future and the road that lies ahead for your family.

Prepare a laundry list of questions for the doctors treating your loved one, do not hold back and do not be embarrassed to ask questions. If you are doing your research online and are reading patient forums try to keep in mind that many symptoms described are usually worst care scenarios. For information specific to your loved one always talk to the doctors and nurses treating your parent. Many illnesses also have nonprofit and/or support groups that are for both the patient and the family members.

Laugh as Often as Possible

Read funny books to each other, send a funny card, or take a stroll down memory lane. Perhaps you have a favorite comedy. When the situation allows why not watch it with the patient? Our smart phones have all sorts of apps to make a mundane situation funny. Most patients going through all sorts of medical testing are not going to feel up to a photo shoot, but you will treasure the photos when they are no longer here. Have Snapchat? Try adding some funny filters to your photos. Try to create memories that will warm both your of hearts and comfort your souls.

Allowing yourself to believe that you have to be somber and gloomy throughout this process is denying both yourself and your loved one wonderful, warm loving memories. You don’t have to force humor on every single situation, but if something humorous arises it’s okay to laugh and smile. Many times family and friends become so somber that they unintentionally drag the patient down. Laugher is truly the best medicine.

Help Them Maintain Their Dignity

Cancer is a powerful force to be reckoned with. Cancer has a way of entering your life like a bull in a china shop destroying everything in its path while robbing a person of their identity. Cancer can change the body, but always remember that the person you love is still inside there. Do not make a big deal about bodily functions that change or sometimes disappear because of the illness. Do not change the patients clothing, diapers, bed sheets and other items with others around. It is extremely degrading to act as though their privacy and dignity no longer matter because they are now ill. Do not talk about the patient like they are not in the room, even if the patient is not coherent during their final days. Leave the room to have those uncomfortable, emotional discussions. Do not do anything you would not do if the patient was coherent and healthy.

Don’t Stay Away

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It is an emotional roller coaster watching someone you love and adore get torn apart by cancer. Initially when a person receives a devastating diagnosis the outpouring of support is wonderful, but as the disease progresses and gets rears its ugly head, many individuals become uncomfortable and opt to stay away. Regardless of how terrifying it is, how upsetting it is or what you may hear from others – always make the time to visit. Even if it is a just a quick afternoon visit, the patient and the family will never forget the kindness you displayed during such a difficult time. Text messages and emails are nice, but an old fashioned face to face visit is a priceless gift. Please do not stay away or avoid visiting because you feel as if you are intruding. It is so important for both the patient and the immediate family to have support from all angles.

Give Them Permission to Go

This is perhaps the most difficult forms of support you can offer a terminally ill person. Even when it is time to say goodbye and you have had the time to prepare yourself, nothing can truly prepare you for the gut wrenching pain of grief. Assure your loved one that everything has been taken care of, their wishes will be respected and family members will look after one another. Tell your loved one that you will miss them and cherish all of the precious memories. Them your loved one that you will honor their memory and be their living breathing legacy. Pray with them. Hug and kiss them as much as possible, as much as the situation allows. Let them know it is okay to go when the time has come. Resolving any fears or obstacles will create a peaceful passing for your loved one and will help you as you begin your grief journey.

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