5 Things I Wish the Church Understood About Grief

Grieving is Lonely

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Not only do we feel the loss of our loved one, but we know that no one feels like we do. Watching the world quite literally continue to spin on, in spite of our loss is not only humbling, but it's also isolating. This world of ours is going to keep right on spinning long after we're all gone, and even though we know that intellectually, it's still hard to see so many people bee-bopping along their way while our world has been shattered. Isolated within the prison of grief, it's hard to reach out for help. One of the best things a loving friend can do is to be willing to simply sit with us in the grief. Often we don't need counsel or advice or even Scripture verses to perk us back up. We just need someone that will sit with us through it all. It's not a fun job—but it can be a life raft for a drowning soul just the same.

Grieving Never Ends

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It really doesn't. Grief is not a sickness that you get medication for, and then go on with your life. No, it is a lifelong companion. Not a welcome one, not a pleasant one, but a part of your life just the same. In the first few weeks and months, it is an anchor on your heart, pulling you into the ground. Later on it's a little different. It's finding yourself crying like a baby over a commercial that plays a song you shared with your lost loved one. It's waking up and simply being sad. All day long. Sometimes we know why, but often we don't connect the dots until we've spent a good while moping about. The point is this—although grieving people learn to cope with their grief as time goes on, that doesn't mean that they ever really stop grieving.

Grieving is Confusing

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After my mom committed suicide, it took me a good long week actually accept that this really happened. It's not that I was living in denial; it's that my brain was struggling to comprehend the new reality I was thrust into. I eventually moved onto the acceptance stage of grief, but there was some collateral damage. When people are struggling to grasp their realities, they often will say and do strange things. They might question what they've always known to be true. They need a gentle touch, not harsh criticism. Most of them are probably doing the best they can, so those around them that proclaim Christ should treat them as broken reeds and smoldering wicks. There is a time and place for strong rebuke and iron sharpening iron - but when someone is drowning in a sea of grief is not that time. Be gentle. Be kind.

Everyone Grieves In Different Ways, And That's Okay

Some people build a memorial shrine of sorts in their home, others isolate themselves for a season to lick their wounds and regroup. You never know how you or anyone else will respond to grief, but we all have our own process. You can't put a time limit on it, and you can't demand that others think and act just like you would. As long as they're not hurting themselves or others, everything is game in my book. What's important is that we don't project our personal strengths and weaknesses onto others—which is true regardless if someone's grieving or not. That should be a normal Christian practice—but sadly it's not. We can't possibly know the depths of intimacy some people shared with their lost loved on, so how could we possibly understand the many triggers they may have? We can't, so we should walk very, very carefully.

Hope for the Grieving

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One of the things I've learned in my grief walk is that grief is a lot like falling in love. You can't possibly describe it to someone that hasn't ever experienced it, and when it happens to you, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt what it is. Some relationships have waned because dear friends simply couldn't understand that what I was going through had nothing to do with them at all. While other relationships blossomed in a dynamic and delightful way, because those friends understood how to come alongside me when I desperately needed a friend to hold me up.

All of this is to say, if you see someone struggling along their grief walk, and you feel so compelled to offer a helping hand, please have the boldness to go and love on them. Share this article, or some other post to get a conversation going, and then walk alongside them for a while.

It just may be what they needed all along.

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