4 Practical Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

Grief is as unique as a fingerprint. We all grieve, but we all do so in our own ways. So why is it when someone endures a loss we instantly say, “I know how you feel.” You don’t. You have no idea how that person feels. Death is an inevitable part of life, yet our society has no idea how to handle fellow grievers. Once the funeral is over grievers are treated like second class citizens in a world filled with people who want instant gratification. Perhaps it is because grief forces us to think about our own mortality and that’s just too much to handle for many.

There is a massive gulf separating mourners and the rest of the world. Non grievers think after a few days or maybe weeks and poof you are fine. Unfortunately grief lasts a lifetime, it’s all the love you want to give but can no longer give. Grief is painful, and it is debilitating for many. It is important to talk to your friends and family who are grieving. It is important for people who have not lost someone to say, “I have no idea what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen.” You might say the wrong thing, but what’s worse than saying the wrong thing is not saying anything or doing nothing at all.

Grief changes and rearranges friendships. You never know who will be your rock and who will fade away. It’s important to put aside your fear of saying the wrong thing and really talk to your grieving friends. They need you more than you both of you think.

Here are some suggestions.

Be Present

It is extremely ineffective to comfort someone drowning in grief with a Facebook post nor can you express your deepest condolences with a text message, or a mass text. This is even more accurate for someone you consider a friend or family. Sure it’s the thought that counts but death is very painful and confusing. Simply put when someone loses a person of significance they need human contact not a text message that took you less than 10 seconds to write while you were doing a million other things.

The friends who express their deepest condolences via social media and text are similar to the people who respond to text messages with a “K.” What do you mean K??? Are you too busy to type out the entire word OKAY or even OK? Somebody just died, they took their last breath and will no longer walk the face of this earth and you are expressing deep condolences with a text message? In a world where technology is destroying the art of social interaction death is one of those occasions where it’s imperative that we go old school, pick up the phone and then send a condolence card to people we consider friends and family.

Keep it Simple

There is no need to write your grieving friend an epic novel. Start out by saying, “I’m here for you when you need me.” That’s it. No need to say more. Continue to check in on your friend and remind them that you are there for them. Offer to help your grieving friend with the basic daily chores. When visiting take a look around their home. Maybe they just don’t have the energy to go to the grocery store, offer to pick up some necessities. Perhaps they have children, offer to pick them up from school. Does the lawn need to be cut? Offer to help. Is snow in the forecast? Offer to shovel their driveway. Maybe they just need someone to talk to, stop by with a cup of coffee, a box of tissues and a shoulder to cry on. These basic tasks can seem exhausting to someone drowning in grief, your kindness will not go unnoticed. Grief is a gut wrenching painful experience that is an extremely lonely journey for many. Be the reason why your grieving friend smiles today.

Understand That Death Has No Timeline

Grief is not linear and it never ends. Grief is messy and complicated. What grieving people want you to know is that in twelve months they will not forget their loved one. In twelve years they still will not forget their loved one. A loved one is never forgotten, and the pain never goes away. As holidays and special events come and go your grieving friend will experience epic highs and lows. Acknowledging these special events goes a long way. Grief is like a foreign country where you can only truly grasp the customs and language once you have lived there. Living in this foreign country allows you to get accustomed to living life in an extremely different and painful way, isolated without the one you love. Good friends are a Godsend in this new land; they are your beacon of light and hope from the lighthouse on the shore.

Love, Love and Love Some More

Love is the greatest gift of all. Above all love your grieving friend. Show your love. Shower your friend with love. Show up. Do something. Say something. Send your friend a card that reminds them how important they are to you. Attempt to fill that new gaping hole that is now in your friend’s life. But please try to remember that although you can never replace the person they lost, you can try to fill that hole with love and kindness. Listen. Be there. Be present. Understand that you will not have all the answers. Be the friend who listens without judgment. Be the friend who is there for the long haul. Be love. Be your friend’s lighthouse in their storm. Be their beacon of light and hope in the darkness signaling your friend to the shore. Love is what will last and get your friend through his or her horrific grief journey.

If nothing else simply say, “I’m sorry, I love you and I want to help” and hug your grieving friend. Grieving people often create their own personal grief bunker and hide from the rest of the world. Make yourself available. Check in on them. Call them. Send them texts. Make plans with them. The days and weeks following a death are overwhelming for the immediate family and friends. The people who reach out and make a strong effort to be there are forever tattooed on a grieving person’s brain. Never avoid someone who is grieving. It is confusing and hurtful and it will eventually damage the relationship. Attend the funeral. Send a card. Be present throughout the entire process. Acknowledge that your friend lost a person of significance. It is extremely comforting to see others during such a horrific time. During the early stages of grief your friend may not say it, but as time passes you never forget the people who were there for you during the early days of grief.