10 Myths About Grief Most of Us Believe

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No one enjoys loss. Grieving is not something we look forward to. Most of us avoid emotional pain like the plague.

And yet, grief invades our lives.

When we are hit by loss, our worlds shake. We blink and wonder what happened. We're stunned. Our minds spin. Our emotions begin to boil.

When we see the word "grief," most of us think of the death of someone we care about. Estrangements, separations, break-ups, divorces, financial losses, moves, and job terminations are also grief-producers. We've all experienced deep disappointments, shattered dreams, and crushed hopes. Life is full of surprising challenges that we don't like and didn't plan on. We experience many little deaths along the way.

Somewhere along the road of life, most of us developed a concept of what grief is and how it should go. We experience loss and see it in other's lives. No one likes loss, so we naturally interpret it as something negative. We begin to nurture concepts and ideas of what we want the grief process to be like. Mix into this a heavy dose of the opinions of those around us and most of us end up believing some rather strange things about grief.

Here are some of the myths we may have embraced. We might never say these things, but our behavior often reveals the unrealistic expectations we have for ourselves and others when it comes to loss and grieving. Of course, the key question is, "What does God think about loss and grief?”

"Grief Should Be Easy For a Believer."

Somewhere we got the idea that people of faith should have a smoother road, with easier, less upsetting grief. If we’re grieving heavily, therefore, something is amiss. Perhaps we’re not trusting God enough, we reason. Jesus has conquered death. Ultimately, there is no reason to grieve. We should be celebrating instead.

Though there is some truth in most of these statements, the fact is that loving, faithful Christ-followers often grieve heavily. Personally created by God in his image, we come out of the womb wired for relationship. We don't do separation well, no matter how it comes (death, divorce, estrangement, moves, etc.). We have hearts. Loss hurts.

In Psalm 31, King David said, “Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief." If we are alive, we will experience loss. Some losses rattle us to the core.

"Grief is Negative."

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Grief is rarely viewed in a positive light. Loss is bad, so grief must be too.

We're uncomfortable with emotional pain. Hurting people scare us. We try to fix them, forgetting that we ourselves felt belittled when others did the same to us.

On the surface, grieving may seem to promote despair. We might even conclude that grief destroys hope and is a hindrance to faith. The truth is that grieving well actually promotes healing, bolsters hope, and encourages faith. Grieving is part of being human. We are not in heaven yet. Grief is a natural and healthy response to loss.

In Romans 8, Paul said, "The whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time." We live in a broken world permeated with loss. Far from being bad, grieving can help us lean forward into eternity and bring deeper meaning to life here and now.

"There is a "Right" Way to Grieve."

We think that if a person grieves the "correct" way, they will get better quickly. This usually includes reading the Bible, praying diligently, attending church, and serving in ministry. Some imply that the grief process should be relatively painless and lead to quick, effortless healing.

Certainly, listening to the Lord’s Word and sharing with him in prayer are foundations of healthy grieving. The myth is that one size fits all. Grief cannot be programmed because the human heart cannot be boxed. Each person is a unique masterpiece. Though we struggle with similar things, every heart is different.

Life is a walk of faith, full of surprises, both pleasant and painful. We are not robots and faith-filled grieving cannot be neatly packaged or programmed. If we're willing, grieving can be part of learning to walk in deeper faith and trust. Loss - how we interpret and respond to it - can be fuel for greater intimacy with Christ.

"Grief Has Predictable Stages."

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Most are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief. Kubler-Ross' ground-breaking work launched a greater understanding of the grieving process. We then constructed tight boxes for these stages and breathed a sigh of relief: "Whew! Grief is predictable. We move through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Now we can measure our progress!"

Then we naturally added the belief that more mature grievers will skip through the stages with relative ease. Again, we might wish grief was this easy, but it's not.

Rather than stages that we move through in linear order, think of grief as a web. Strands might include denial, anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, confusion, frustration, guilt, depression, and acceptance. All strands connect and run in and out of each other. The griever can experience many of them simultaneously, or rapidly back and forth in succession.

Grief will not be easily boxed. Our hearts are involved, and that makes grieving a dynamic, mysterious process.

"Grief Should Be Brief."

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We think grief should be quick. Our routine might be altered a bit, but life should go on much the same as before. Loss and death are minor potholes in our road. No matter what the loss, we can, and should, perform with the same level of excellence at work and relate with the same peace and joy in our families and relationships.

Frankly, no one's life is like this. It would be nice if work and relationships were smooth and tranquil, but they aren't. According to Scripture, daily life is war. Struggle. Obstacles. Upset. A dynamic, unpredictable battle. Almost anything can happen. We control next to nothing. We can be certain that today will not go as planned.

Grief and brief usually don't go together. Our hearts are involved. We hurt. Recovery takes time. Healing happens as we walk with God through the mess. Loss changes things. Life is not the same. We are not the same.

"Grief Should Be Controlled."

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Many believe we can control our emotions and our grief. We should keep life orderly, structured, and predictable.

The problem with this myth is that nowhere in Scripture does God tell us to "take control" of anything. That would be impossible to begin with. We don’t have control. We can influence people and situations, but control is another thing altogether.

We've been challenging God since the Garden of Eden. We pretend to be in charge. We scurry around proclaiming this is "our life" when we have no life except what has been given to us. We have hearts and our emotions surprise us. Healing from loss is messy and seemingly chaotic. As Hannah said to Eli in 1 Samuel, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled...I was pouring out my soul to the LORD...I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”

Life is messy. So is grief.

"Time Heals All Wounds."

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In other words, we don't have to work at this. Healing will just “happen.” We don't have to invest in grieving. We can put the struggle, emotion, and pain aside and walk on.

Healing takes time, but time itself does not heal. God heals as we are real with him about what's happening inside us. He himself is the salve for our wounds.

When God heals us, we grow. We're different now, having encountered great pain and discovered God's love in new ways. Through loss, God reshapes the lenses through which we look at life, clarifying our vision and purpose.

Amid all his losses, Job desperately clung to God. He said, "My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow." The book of Job is saturated with the uncensored ramblings of a grieving heart.

God healed Job over time, partially through Job's authentic faith and emotional honesty.

"Grief is an Obstacle to Overcome."

Grief tends to be viewed as a hurdle on a track. Get over it, fast.

No sense in crying, so we trap our tears inside. The world tells us to pull ourselves together, so we shove our grief down a little deeper and learn to wear thicker masks.

As with the other myths, there are kernels of truth here, but the overall message is that grief should be set aside, stuffed, and ignored. This is how to overcome loss.

Almost 800 years before Christ, Isaiah described the coming Messiah as a "man of sorrows, well acquainted with suffering." In Hebrews it says, "Jesus, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame." For us, Jesus willingly embraced pain and loss. He enters our grief and feels it with us now. He leads us through our valleys, not around or over them. We overcome by grieving with Christ, thereby learning perseverance and endurance for road ahead.

"All Churches Are Safe Places for Hurting People."

We have mastered the art of double-messaging. We're extremely skilled at saying one thing while doing the something else.

We know we should be compassionate. Romans 15:7 says, "Accept one another just as God in Christ has accepted you." Yet, we tend to be experts at the opposite. We compare, evaluate, and judge. We put people in categories and create mental checklists of how they should behave. No wonder grieving hearts often feel misunderstood, rejected, and abandoned.

The New Testament is full of letters to groups of believers with relational issues. How they treated each other was a constant barrier to healing. We're all imperfect, wounded, and deeply flawed. Comparison and judgment come as naturally as breathing, especially when we're emotionally uncomfortable.

We must take heart. Not everyone is safe and trustworthy, but some are. Grieving hearts need safe people who will love them as they are. The best thing we can do is to become safe people ourselves.

"Grief Should Be Private."

Since grief is personal and individual, many believe it should be private. Grief should be tucked away out of sight, so it can be out of mind.

The message is that we should grieve alone. We can figure this out by ourselves. We stay busy and push ahead. We don't have to feel this pain. If our heart makes too much noise, we drown it in entertainment, shopping, food, alcohol, social media, or whatever happens to be handy. We don't want to be a bother, so we isolate.

Isolation is perhaps the greatest enemy of the grieving heart. We're created for relationship with God and each other. We’re designed to do life together. This includes loss and grief. When someone we care about is hit by loss, we are too, whether we feel it or not.

Jesus knows. He gets it. He feels our grief with us. He shares our pain and suffering.