Settling for someone who appears to meet the criteria of an "equally yoked" partner, but truly isn't right, can happen to anyone. Just because they look good on paper doesn't mean they are truly aligned with your values.
People may check the boxes of church attendance and general Christian values, but they might not all be living according to those values or in ways that those values mattered to you.
Perhaps they check the boxes of successful jobs, church attendance, and attractiveness, but they nurture time-consuming hobbies. That definitely didn't align with a desire for a family in the future.
Another person could be intellectually devoted to faith, but in reality, their emotional highs and lows keep them from always living out their beliefs. That would be frustrating to manage and could lead to many differences of opinion in the future.
Simply by reflecting on the different personal values of people, you can see that the essential boxes might be checked, but the details are not evaluated enough. A desire for a relationship or marriage could lead you to overlook some potential problems that the admonition of not being "unequally yoked" didn't bring to mind.
You will be grateful, however, if you do not settle. People grow and change over the years, and a spouse whose core values and attitudes are on par with what you want makes the many life changes easy to manage. Of course, you should keep some of the main requirements in place, but look deeper than surface value.
Look for convictions, not merely habits. Look for important character traits, not simply moods and activities that seem good. People change over the years, but if they are aligned in core areas of what matters, character, and outlook on life, they can weather those changes with grace rather than conflict.
Don't Settle
If you are dating or even in a serious relationship, do your due diligence. Remember that marriage is a lifelong commitment. That means it has to withstand many seasons of life. Each person's faith will be tested in many different ways as new challenges and circumstances arise.
Remember that Jesus did not merely examine people's actions but also their hearts. Church attendance and obeying the commandments look good on paper, but don't they reveal the heart? You need to dig deeper to see if your heart value systems align.
Remember that you will be serving, working alongside, forgiving, and loving this person for a lifetime. They are the main person you will be spending all of your time with, and their decisions will impact your future. Settling now means settling every day for the rest of your marriage.
How to Evaluate if You Are Settling
Ask heart-probing questions. Ask why they participate in the activities they do. Engage in questions that reveal the reasons behind their actions. Discover the core beliefs and perspectives that drive their behavior. The blessing of these conversations is that even if they reveal some shallow or non-existent thought processes, they begin the seemingly "good behavior." You could still reveal an excellent character if he is prompted to begin thinking deeper about these things himself.
Check your own heart as well. Are there warning signs that you purposely ignore because He seems to check all the necessary boxes? Write these down and talk with a trusted counselor or friend. Talk to people who have known him longer than you have.
Read through traditional marriage vows and evaluate the man you are interested in. The vows don't simply say, "I promise to be a good Christian." Many deeper character commitments are revealed in these vows. If they don't seem like a person who would love you in "good times and bad," or "in sickness and health," for example, then they might not be the one for you.
Tackle the tricky topics. Discuss politics, parenting, finances, recreation, education, and other hot-button issues to understand where he is coming from and expose any potential issues.
Essentials
Focus on the essential core values of the person you are dating—not to overanalyze, but so you don't settle. You can never know how someone's current interests and hobbies will morph, change, and grow over the years.
All of their core values and beliefs will influence who they become later. You will still align on the deeper things.
A desire for marriage and family can tempt you to settle, as can the culture around you. However, you are worth more. Take the time to discover the true person behind the personality before committing your heart.
