In the Same Boat by Don MacMannis l Family Relationships l How Marital Problems Affect the Kids l Family Chemistry and Interaction

An overwhelmed mom and dad arrived in my therapy office last week seeking help for their 7-year-old daughter, Madison. Madison’s teacher had referred the family because of her mean behavior with other girls on the playground. After meeting briefly with all three together, I excused Madison to the waiting room to speak alone with her parents.

Madison’s mom and dad had tried to present a unified front, but it became obvious that their marital conflict extended far beyond parenting differences. Nevertheless, they swore up and down, with one hundred percent sureness, that Madison was unaware of their tension. As it turned out, that was not the case. A few days later, on the way home from karate, mom stopped at a red light and glanced at Madison who was in tears in the back seat. Her daughter could barely raise her head as she said, “Are you and dad all right?”

The Discovery of Mirror Neurons

For decades, family therapists have observed how when family members interact, they influence and affect one another in complex and powerful ways, particularly with regard to mood states. Now, with the help of new brain imaging technology, neuroscientists have found the answer. Our brains are loaded with “mirror neurons.” First found in Macaque monkeys and 10 years later in humans, mirror neurons explain our intricate and intimate connections with one another.

These nerve cells are found in the premotor cortex and supplementary motor regions of the brain. Whenever we observe someone doing something, these cells respond, mimicking in our brains what is happening in the brain of the other person. Mirror neurons help us to understand why children learn through imitation. Now we know that our brains are truly social organs that constantly interact with others in an unconscious dance.

Families and Feelings

When we live together, the moods or feelings of certain family members can significantly impact others. The depressed mood of one member will permeate the entire group. Think of the impact that a crying infant, a sullen, withdrawn teenager, or a troubled adult can have on the household’s happiness.

Or perhaps you’ve had the experience of feeling perfectly happy, minding your own business. Then you meet up with your husband or wife who looks angry or upset, and they have the audacity to ask you why you are upset with them! Although misery may not love company, misery finds company quickly when mirror neurons fire. But the same is true if you yawn or get the giggles; you are sure to be joined by your loved ones.

So What to Do?

"Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean." -Goethe

Frustrating as it may be, the truth is that we can only change ourselves. When we take responsibility for our own personal role in the family dance, important shifts can take place. Remembering the way we affect each other can help reduce blame when the "air is thick.”

Tending to our own emotions, learning to center ourselves, and taking slow, deep breaths are actually among the most powerful interventions that we can make with others in our presence. This is especially true for helping to calm your child or partner, particularly when they are going through a difficult moment. They will gradually climb into your calmer mood state. If not, the likely alternative is that you will both be bathing in a sea of painful feelings.